HOCD Back YAY! (UGH!)

Hello, so I'm a 16 year old girl and I've had OCD for as long as I can remember now. I suffered through a bout of HOCD at the end of my 8th grade year so I was 13. It eventually past and I rarely worried about it at all and was 100% confident I was completely straight. Now of course guess whats slowly coming back yep, HCOD, lovely. While its not as bad as it was when I was 13, I can feel the worries coming back again. Specifically I'm having this thought of "What if the only reason I'm not gay is because I'm scared its a sin?" like what if it wasn't for my religion and I just let loose. It's kind of hard to describe but I also feel this with Harm OCD, like if I wasn't a religious person what if I became a murderer. I don't know if that makes any sense, I tried to talk about it with someone close to me who also has OCD and they didn't really understand what I was trying to say. So any input? Thanks.

Dear worrylyfe9919:

I could engage with you in a debate of your most recent OCD thought for 4 hours, come up with the best logical arguments against the thought and if we are lucky you will be convinced that the thought is not logical. After 4 hours, I am exhausted but sighing with relief.

It can be five minutes later, the same fear that fueled the thought we just worked on, finds another thought to attach itself to. All that work for five minutes only.

Your brain is available, if you are not too busy otherwise, and if you are more anxious than usual, your brain is available to search and come up with an endless number of thoughts, replace one with another. There is no way for my brain to stop your brain with coming up with scary thoughts because it is your fear that keeps fueling these thoughts.

So, it is about the fear, not the thought, really.

atina

Atina is right, listen to her.

I know how much you want some logical reason, I know how much you want something to prove you're not gay, I know there are things in your head that tell you "you're gay, it's the only explanation", I know how confusing it is. I know because I'm going through this right now.
Everyday, and I say EVERYDAY, after much thinking, I get some relief because something must mean I'm straight, but the fear of HOCD backing again is always there. I fear HOCD, but I also need it, when I confirm to myself I have HOCD I know I'm not gay.

Everyday, I get some relief thinking "now that's it, I know almost for sure I'm straight". But the following day is just the same thing, my brain gets some new thought and this one MUST mean I'm gay. I get sad, I get depressed, I think there's no way out. And then I have to somehow prove again that I'm straight. It's not even working anymore, each day is harder to prove.
This means that no matter what logical solution you find, it wont last much. You must let it be. I know how damn hard it is, I know how much you may think "i'm different, I don't have HOCD, I'm really denying", but that's the way out.

I'm also 16, but not a girl. If you want to talk, feel free to PM me or reply here, I surely will answer.