Feeling contaminated by my thoughts :( TW!

OK. So I don't have POCD in the conventional sense. I'm 100% sure that I'm not attracted to kids. However, my nephew came out as trans a couple of years ago and I wanted to learn more about it, as I'm close to him and his mum (my sister). It was all good until I read that some people might think they're trans because they were sexually abused. Anyone with OCD can imagine how this could be a huge trigger for an obsession.

Everytime I saw members of my family I thought "What if they are a 'P' and turned my nephew trans?"). It just got worse and worse and now I can't be in a room with kids. I suddenly think "What if someone here is a 'P'?", or I go on Facebook and see a picture of someone's kid and think "What if a 'P' sees this?".

Every time I think of the 'P' word I feel it is tainting and contaminating me. Sometimes I think "Wow, I haven't thought of anything 'P' related for a while." Then it triggers me again.

I'm starting therapy next week, but I'm having a major spike right now. I feel that even thinking about the 'P' word could be a danger for me and is a sign that I'm some kind of deviant. Why would I even be thinking these thoughts? Especially around kids, wondering and worrying that someone in the room might be a 'P'. I feel as though just thinking the 'P' word around a kid is dangerous and harming the kid in some way. I know that's totally irrational, but those thoughts send me into a panic. Sometimes just the word 'P' randomly pops into my head again and again.

I'm also terrified that I might be wrongly accused of being one and go to jail for it because I've thought the 'P' word and my pdoc and psychologist know and think it's suspicious. I've just started getting another intrusive thought that I might have an illegal site in my internet history. Again, I know I haven't visited anything like that because it's the most evil thing and I'm not into it. I start panicking when I leave the house and suddenly feel an urge to check my browsing history.

I really worry that I'm going to the crazy side of OCD. I know a word can't have that kind of power, but it scares me witless. I can't even read or watch the news in case there's anything 'P' related on there because I feel it could infect me.

Sorry for rambling, but I guess I'd just like to know if anyone else has felt this way. Thanks if you managed to read that!

CloudShark wrote:I really worry that I'm going to the crazy side of OCD. I know a word can't have that kind of power, but it scares me witless. I can't even read or watch the news in case there's anything 'P' related on there because I feel it could infect me.

at least you know it's irrational, its a good sign. maybe just let them to send you into panic, for example, its OK to feel terrified that you might be wrongly accused of being 'one' just because you've thought the 'p' word. then you can really see, observe carefully, let your rational mind speak, prove that seeing the word,or thinking about it will have no effect on anything. it won't make the thoughts go away indeed, but maybe it can help you fight the irrational mind to some extent.

CloudShark wrote:'ve just started getting another intrusive thought that I might have an illegal site in my internet history. Again, I know I haven't visited anything like that because it's the most evil thing and I'm not into it. I start panicking when I leave the house and suddenly feel an urge to check my browsing history.

hmm i have similar problem. if stop checking 100% is too much for you, maybe at least try to force yourself not to re-check it over and over. make sure to check it only once

Thanks for taking the time to reply Torrent. I know how strange that all sounds. PMT is making it worse right now, but I've kept reminding myself that this is basically magical thinking which is a common error in OCD. My therapy begins next week and it can't come soon enough. Living my life in constant fear of the 'P' word is ridiculous.

I only checked once yesterday.