So frustrated right now

I'm so frustrated right now and I'm so sick of this. I know I only have OCD for several years and others who have it for decades have it worse but I hate this so much. I want to turn back time and I want to feel normal again. I just found a therapist who is really nice and seems to understand me but at the moment I feel horrible. I know I have so much to look forward to but because of OCD I can't really enjoy it.

I also started obsessing about this: when I started looking for a therapist I had to fill out an online-form to contact a certain one and I had to say what my issues are and I wrote something like "maybe OCD (fear of being a pedophile)" and now I fear that the therapist thought I'm really one. He knows my name and my e-mail address and it really stresses me out that he does. I don't want anyone to think I'm a 'P'!

I'm sure if they thought you were actually a 'P' they would say that. At least to a point where it would matter. Mine actually suggested maybe I was gay or bi.

I never visited him. I only filled out this form to contact him and be put on the waiting list but I never got a reply. Now I'm thinking that he didn't contact me because he thinks I'm a 'P' and doesn't want to treat people like this. I know that even if he did think that it doesn't really matter because chances are low that we'll randomly meet somewhere, he'll remember my name and think, "Oh this is this pedophile who contacted me!"

That must have been horrible and very spiking!

I can totally understand how you feel and what's going through your mind tanja. I'd be thinking the same if I'd have filled that out and never got a reply. I'm sure you have nothing to worry about, although I know saying that doesn't help.

I've spoken to my psychologist, psychiatrist and CPN about my POCD and I'm still terrified that I'll get a knock at the door from the police, wanting to check my computer for illegal stuff. I worry all the time that they really think I'm a 'P'. I even phone them sometimes to ask them whether they will have to report me to the authorities. It's crazy, because I know I'm not a 'P' and my browsing history would just be stuff about personality disorders (my other obsession) and this forum.

I got my first appointment through for the OCD therapy, it's in a couple of weeks. Let me know how your therapy goes. Your new psychologist sounds like a good fit for you.

Take care. The fact that you've filled in a form for therapist mentioning POCD obviously means you aren't a 'P'. Real 'Ps' don't go telling random strangers about it.

Thank you so much for your reply, CloudShark!

I know that even if he did think I'm a 'P' it wouldn't have any effect on my life but it still bothers me that he knows my name and e-mail address.

That's more extreme than my fear of anyone thinking I'm a 'P', it must be very exhausting. My POCD fixates more on fearing that I'm really one. I know I'm not attracted to children but the groinal responses, intrusive thoughts etc. make me doubt it again.

That's good news! Is it with a new therapist or the one you saw before? Please let me know if you have any news.

Yes, I'm really happy. She'll be on vacation soon but after that I'll see her on a weekly basis.

I'm not surprised it bothers you. Being a 'P' would be the scariest thing ever and people who really are 'Ps' are the most reviled and feared people in society. That's why your OCD has latched onto it. This guy doesn't think you're a 'P'! I can understand the fear though.

Your POCD sounds very exhausting too. I'm so glad to hear that you'll be seeing your therapist soon. Thanks for your posts on here. POCD is so terrifying. I know all OCD is awful, but this theme scares the $#%^ out of me more than any other.

I'll be seeing the same one as before. She's really good.

Yes, it would be the most horrible thing ever, it would destroy my whole life. I'd rather be anything than a 'P'. I think one more reason why it affects me so much is that I have a younger brother and I just want to be a good sister to him.

It's good to hear that you'll be seeing the same psychologist as before and that you're so happy with her!

Thanks tanja. You aren't a 'P' though. You're just scared of being one. People without OCD would be scared of becoming one, only they don't obsess about it. You aren't dangerous!

Thank you so much for your supoortive words!