Sick of HOCD

Dear qazwsxedc:

Nothing stays the same. A mental state (thoughts, emotions) is not static. A label, like HOCD cannot "make" a mental state be the same, from now on.. the same, reliable, predictable.

Sometimes you feel fear, sometimes you feel numb. At times you think this. Other time you think that. It is not possible for that mental state to remain the same. For anyone!

Part of my healing in therapy was to understand that what happens in my head, the thoughts, the emotions do change like the weather, always changing so to not get alarmed by the changes.

To not be alarmed means to not think something like: "What is wrong with me? I was afraid yesterday but I am no longer afraid... this means I don't have HOCD and that maybe I am simply gay...etc."

It means: "Oh, I am not afraid right now. I was afraid yesterday. I will probably be afraid again (surely), so it is what it is, changing, as it is for every single human.

atina

It makes sense, but I've never seen anyone with HOCD to be so deeply confused.
If I say out loud "I'm straight" it looks like I'm lying to myself. A week ago, I would think of having a girl loving me and sleeping at my shoulder and it would feel good. I would imagine holding hands with a gay and it would feel awkward.
Right now everything is sooo numb. The girl I had a minor crush on, when I think about her it doesn't get me anywhere, I don't think I'm attracted anymore.
When I see a random dude in the street and think about dating him, nothing feels wrong, like it used to feel. When I see a girl and think the same, I try to want it but it feels numb. I think I'm really gay/bi, which doesn't makes sense looking into my past.

Dear qazwsxedc:

I think, like I wrote before, the other day, that you scared yourself for too long and this is why you are numb. You experienced so much prolonged fear on the matter that naturally you are now numb about things that scared you before. This is what happened when a person is too scared or scared for too long, the person becomes numb. It is a protective mechanism. Not an indication that you have changed sexual orientation. It is an indication that you've been scared for too long.

Hope, wish there is a way for you to relax in a way that is not harmful for you, a good way to reach calm.

atina

Thank you so much for having so much patience to help me. I will try to give myself some time and see where it goes. Hope it works.

Qazwsxedc,

I'm actually experiencing the SAME thing... THE SAME... COMPLETELY... I got so much relief of knowing that i am not alone and that this still is HOCD... Man, i started therapy 2 days ago and now i am feeling something better... Don't give up... We can't become what we fear the most... Hope you, me and everybody around here gets better in a matter of a tiny time... Hope you the best. Please, PM me, i would like to keep in touch with someone that is going through exactly the same as me. Spydey_Fan is in the same train to. Let's keep talking... Hope you all the best. Good luck and best whises,

OCDLearner123

Omg guys im scared. I'm scared im scared im scared im scared someone pls? Atina? I think I really am gay. I feel almost the same than those guys:
http://www.neuroticplanet.com/forum/vie ... =1&t=31273

And
http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/inde ... ic=16326.0

Holy $#%^ someone pls.

Dear quzwsxedc:

Tell me, tell me what scares you so much right now? Where do you feel the fear? How does it feel?
atina

Dear quzwsxedc:

I hope you are okay! I asked you where does the fear feels and how it feels because key when you feel fear is to observe it, locate it, pay attention to where in the body you feel it.. and how it changes and over time you learn that you can endure the emotion of fear and you learn it is not the end of the world to feel it, it only feels that way for a while.

Please write again-

atina

I don't know, I get extremely unquiet, feel as if I tryed to eat a pool ball (don't know if thia is the name in english). What if I like the male body? I think I do really
What if I can be happy being gay and cant be happy being straight? What if my attraction to girls will never be liks it used to be, and I wont ever be able to have sex with a girl?
I don't even want to imagine this I'm afraid of what the outcome will be

Dear qazwsxedc:

From my long experience with OCD it is never really about what we are afraid of: it is about being afraid. If it is not X we are afraid of, it is Y we are afraid of. The root problem is always the fear itself.

This is why I asked you how it feels. Like a pool ball you swallowed, you wrote. Pay attention to it, it feels like suffocating, does it? But you don't really suffocate. So you can and do survive how it feels. Pay attention: if you survive it, if it doesn't kill you, this fear feeling, maybe it is not so dangerous...

You are focusing on the topic, on the WHAT is it that you are afraid of, being straight or gay. But this is not what OCD is about. It is about fear.

Relaxation techniques, deep breathing, guided meditation, exercise... and psychotherapy for insight into the child that you were and what was scary then (and still).... all these can help tremendously, over time and practice...

atina