Relationship OCD..? Feel Like I Should Quit Dating, Forever

I'm sorry in advance if I ramble a bit, but my mind is all over the place on this topic, so here goes:

All but my first relationship have started and ended pretty similarly--I fall for the person rather quickly, get their attention somehow, start a relationship, then a month or two or three (if it lasts that long) into it I get doubts about them that plague me and I feel awful because I'm 90% sure they're not true, that it's just in my head and then I think "this person is so nice to me and so great, why do I have all these thoughts and doubts?".

I have pretty bad self-esteem and depression/anxiety, so I feel like I don't even deserve a girlfriend. Then I have intimacy issues and problems saying how I feel, and sometimes even problems feeling in general. Like sometimes I'm so in love then other times I'm just numb emotionally. My self-image also see-saws; sometimes my self-esteem is actually fairly good, but usually I put myself down and don't have high hopes for myself, feel I'm too awkward and annoying, etc. So I have all these worries and doubts about myself that make me always doubt if my partner actually likes me, but at the same time I have all these worries and doubts about my partner and if I actually like them, or if we're good for each other, or if we'll last forever--if I can't see us lasting forever then I get anxious and feel like I'm putting off the inevitable break-up and it would be kindest for my partner if I just ended it now instead of dragging it out. I have to constantly fight that thought for the rest of the relationship once it pops up, and it just causes more doubt and anxiety until it builds up and I can't handle it.. then I withdraw socially/emotionally from the relationship and once my partner feels like the relationship has changed and confronts me about it then I have an outpouring of my anxieties and often breakup at that point. It's happened again and again and after the last couple gf's I've told myself I'll never date again because it only causes pain for everyone involved. But then not long later there I go falling for someone again and steering the love boat over the waterfall of anxiety into the sharp rocks of heartbreak and self-loathing..

Only my first relationship (I'd had a crush on her since 3rd grade, we dated Sophomore year of high school) didn't end like this, and that's because she broke up with me after 2 months. In hindsight, it was probably also related to my doubts and worries, even back then as a 14/15-yr-old. I remember being at the mall with her and asking if we'd be together forever or something, and she said "I don't know, we're young let's just enjoy it now" which is actually the mature/correct response, but I remember feeling anxious about that answer. I probably scared her off with my anxieties like that. And now I guess I break off relationships before that can happen again? Or my doubts about my partners are just stronger now and I give in to anxiety easier? I'm not sure. I'm 21 now, so relationships have been a struggle for me for about 6-7 years, and I've noticed a pattern, and I believe I'm the problem here. Relationships seem to just cause a lot of anxiety and doubt and then eventually heartbreak, especially for my poor ex-girlfriends who've had to deal with my erratic mind. I'm all Casanova at first and then I'm just a heartless robot who tosses them away. I suspect it's anxiety related, and I've recently learned that there's a type of OCD that occurs in relationships.

Does my experience seem like it could be ROCD-related, and should I see a professional about it? I'm afraid of therapists because I have such a hard time opening up and explaining myself properly. I'm seeing a psychologist right now and am on 20mg Lexapro, 80mg Propranolol, but Idk if these alone will help me with my issue and Idk how to talk to my psychologist about stuff really, I've tried but it's hard to open up to him--I have an easier time with female therapists/psychologists. But I don't want to get a new psych right now and deal with introducing/explaining myself to a new specialist all over again...

Anyway, I just know I need to fix this thing that's wrong with me. I'm in a relationship at the moment, and so far so good aside from a few doubts, but not an intolerable amount of anxiety from them yet. I've just been depressed and reclusive the past couple weeks and I'm worried another anxiety attack/breakup is looming. She's been very kind and understanding of my mental illnesses, though my anxiety about having sex may be frustrating her. I think that's another problem from my suspected ROCD; I'm afraid to have sex or tell her I love her in case that makes me even more cemented in a relationship that I'm afraid I'll eventually ruin (is my thinking at least, I don't actually know why I'm so hesitant to have sex... I haven't done it in 4 years, she never has but wants really wants to with me). Um, yeah so there's my ramble, hope you can make sense of it and provide a couple tips. Or just a "I relate" comment would help me feel less crazy and broken lol.. Thanks!

Sounds like it could be... My ROCD manifests differently, I have a compulsion to have sex once a week because I worry if we don't we don't love each other and will break up otherwise.

But it does sound like there is a pattern and it's not just happened with one person, so it can't just be in relation to a particular person. I would definitely mention it to your psychologist.

How should I bring it up to my psychologist? I get so flustered trying to explain myself in real life. It's definitely a pattern and a me-problem since it's been essentially the same story for my last 7 girlfriends. I'm just unsure if it's ROCD or perhaps a personality disorder, or both. I've considered BPD since my self-image is so unstable and I switch from loving my partner to feeling nothing for them, but there's a few things that make me think not BPD and I think the feeling nothing is caused by my stream of doubts causing overwhelming anxiety which shuts down my emotions down temporarily, then I get really depressed in the aftermath. And if I had BPD I don't think I would leave them, but I guess with ROCD leaving them would be an avoidant compulsive behavior to reduce my anxiety?

We still do other sexual activities with each other except actual sex, I think that could be for a few reasons including performance anxiety (been a few years, it's her first time and I'm afraid of her expectations of sex being amazing or something) and fear of intimacy/getting more "stuck" in a relationship that I'm terrified I'll inevitably ruin just as I've done the past several times. I'm afraid to say "I love you" in case it makes her more attached to me because then the breakup would hurt her even more. So I'm causing damage by being aloof but I'm being aloof because I'm afraid that being very intimate will only increase the damage I eventually cause, due to this pattern I've noticed and am now terrified of repeating?

Bit hard for me to answer that as I have the opposite problem- I can't stop talking about myself as I like the attention. I do find if easier by text or email though. If you're nervous could you write it all down and hand it to the psychologist? Just an idea.

If there's a pattern which is affecting your relationships it's definitely good to talk about it sooner rather than later, I think.

I thought for ages that I had BPD too. I did loads of online quizzes that told me I was likely to have it. My doctor now seems to think that the OCD was making me think this. I still think I have traits but now I think that's probably as far as it goes. Either way, I spend ages puzzling over particular symptoms and trying to work out the causes of them, which is another OCD symptom in itself.

Weird, I *hate* attention lol. It makes me really uncomfortable and anxious. Hm, yeah I guess I'll try writing it down in advance and let the psychologist read it. I'll get so nervous just watching him read it though, maybe I'll give it to him at the end of my next session and let him bring it up the following session, though you're right, I should bring it up asap so as to prevent any major issues related to whatever problem I have :/

kah80 wrote:I thought for ages that I had BPD too. I did loads of online quizzes that told me I was likely to have it. My doctor now seems to think that the OCD was making me think this. I still think I have traits but now I think that's probably as far as it goes. Either way, I spend ages puzzling over particular symptoms and trying to work out the causes of them, which is another OCD symptom in itself.

Oh wow.. I didn't know this was related to OCD. I do this exact thing. I did it for BPD and I've thought I had bipolar disorder with hypomania before (now I'm not so sure, leaning more on cyclothymia if that), and currently I've been suspecting Asperger's and taking lots of quizzes for that and looking up dozens of articles on it and thinking about telling my psychologist about it. I thought maybe it could be why I have relationship issues, but then I found ROCD and it seems to be more accurate for me. I did find a picture of me as a 2/3 year old lining things up around the house though, which is apparently very common on the autism spectrum? Maybe I just overthink all my traits and symptoms due to OCD? I've only been diagnosed (aside from my old diagnosis of Bipolar Spectrum Disorder, which I now doubt) with Generalized Anxiety w/ Panic Attacks and Persistent Depression with Major Depressive Episodes. Could it be that my therapists/psychologists have been missing that I have significant degree of OCD? That's one disorder I don't think I've actually thoroughly researched/understand enough to ask my psych if I have it--I wouldn't know how to explain myself and how I relate to it.

Yeah from what I understand it could be the OCD making you think you have all these other things. It's difficult to know for sure though. How do you know whether it's the OCD or you actually have these things? I haven't figured that out and trying to figure it out for sure is, I believe, also my OCD needing certainty.

Good luck with the psychologist!

I think about that all the time--if I actually have anything wrong with me or if I'm just imagining it all. I guess all mental health issues are in the mind so "imagining it" is just a way of saying it's happening in your mind. But OCD can make you afraid that you have something that you don't have, but it's so hard to know for sure and then you think "...but what if I DO have it, and it goes undiagnosed and I never get better and only get worse?" That's why we need certainty I guess. Otherwise the "what if" just keeps building up anxiety. Thanks for the quick responses, I don't see my psychologist again for over 2 weeks but in the meantime I should try to write something down to give him. I guess I'll start with my concern over OCD, especially ROCD, and then discuss how it could be making me fear I'm undiagnosed on the Autistic Spectrum which is the root of my depression and acute anxiety, and go into my reasoning for that..