Severe Postpartum OCD

I have had terrible OCD for the past ten years or so, and have been struggling with it my whole life. Anyway, I just had a baby on Feb. 6th, and immediately she became the love of my life. She means everything to me, and of course OCD targets what means the most to you, and my kid is no exception. I have horrific images of myself dropping her, stabbing her, a whole plethora of insane and brutal things, and obviously these are things that are sickening and terrifying to me. I know it is my "harm-OCD" acting up in a major way, but that doesn't make it any less traumatic. I keep thinking, if I literally just moved my arms for a split second, I would drop her and she would die. And then the thought strikes me--what is preventing that split second action from happening? What if I have an impulse and somehow give in to it?? Like I said, I know these thoughts are due to my OCD, I know the mechanisms behind them, I know that they are due to faulty wiring in my brain (and not, say, coming from some outside entity, as might be perceived in a case of postpartum psychosis). Anyway, I've been stuggling terribly and having panic attacks. I feel like I'm a very natural mom and I love my daughter more than I ever thought it was possible to love somebody, and I don't want my OCD to cause me to be a less effective mother. I don't believe I have PPD, just anxiety, but the anxiety is causing me to feel incredibly depressed and hopeless. My OB already increased my Fluvoxamine dosage three days ago, so I'm hoping that will help. If anyone has any words of advice or reassurance (which is counterproductive, I know, but it can help sometimes), please please respond. I need to talk.

I'm sorry no one has responded yet.

Those are only thoughts, you won't act out on them! I can tell you love your daughter so much, and I'm sure that's why your OCD is giving you these intrusive thoughts.

We tend to have the most intrusive thoughts on the people we love most.

I've had OCD my whole life and kept it well managed until my kid came along. Then I experienced EXACTLY what you're talking about. Same exact thoughts about the arms. And yes, it was very traumatic, even though I knew what it was.

I have recovered from this particular theme, and from the depth of my OCD, which was at the worst I've ever experienced about 9 months after our baby was born. Some of the most frightening moments of my life, and I've had plenty of legitimate frightening moments. If I can crawl out of that place, you can too.

"Brain Lock," by Jeffrey Schwartz helped me tremendously, along with regular talk therapy that stressed CBT. I was fortunate in that my therapist was an OCD sufferer as well. I've also been taking 60mg of a prozac generic.

I was prepared to fight the harm theme, so after awhile my OCD took up a theme I was not prepared to fight (Existential OCD), and that's what really did me in. But I connect it all to the post-partum stuff, even though I'm a dad. Our boy was a preemie and had a really rough start, and now I stay at home with him. But now we're doing okay.

Hope your recovery is quick.