HOCD- feel like I've accepted being gay? (trigger warning)

A lot of my anxiety his gone. But It feels like I've accepted it....

Here is my story, please read carefully.

As a kid, through my teenage years, was never really interested in girls. In fact, I rememberonce being asked what I liked in a girl when I was 14 and didn't know how to answer that. But the thing is, I wasnt really into guys either. Don't remember crushing on a guy or anything like that.

But I was into transsexuals. That's been a constant since I was a kid. I still enjoy transsexual porn.

But around 16 I start getting hit with these feelings. Some to girls, but at the time... possibly more to guys. I even tell m brother about this. But then after that, I get hit with a period where it was just women everywhere, man. It wasn;t that long, maybe a matter of days, but it was a really packed matter of days. That time was awesome. It was also around this time that I really started to get into lesbians (that, too, has also continued to this day). I first get hit with my first OCD like symptoms, including homosexual themed symptoms. Intrusive images everywhere, I think you get the deal. but the images also latch onto other topics, like obsessing over killing my father.

During this time(maybe around age 17-18) I do fantasize about women, particularly Claudia Schiffer, though with solo women I'd have to work it a bit more than with lesbians or transsexuals. But at the same time I'd have what feel like "crushes" on guys- though if the thoughts ever turned sexual it was a turn off. Don't know if I quite had that feeling for a girl.

And then every so often I would have a huge, panic laden "HOCD" episode.

So that's been my pattern. Fantasize about transsexuals, non-trans women, lesbians, have these "feelings" around certain male friends, followed by occasional stretches of OCD panic. Only had one girlfriend, for a few months, we never did anything but kiss. I did enjoy any moments of intimacy with her, but even then this issue persists.

So that's my sexual experience in a nutshell. Sounds pretty bad, right? However, notice one thing I never did- I never fantasized about guys. I fantasized about transsexuals, lesbians, Supergirl, *being( a lesbian myself*, but no guys, at least not as far as I can recall. The few times I remember even trying to do this it was during a period of OCD checking and kind of a fail. It feels like this is the last thing that's keeping me from "accepting myself", so to speak and this whole thing is driving me nuts. I really do fee like some of my periods in the past were just denial, but the fantasies about women felt rewarding and great, where I don't think I with guys I'm not sure it was ever something I was compelled to do. Maybe my intrerest in trans stuff is just some kind of subsititute?

So guys, how does this sound? Keep in mind this is in addition to all of my HOCD conditions (ruminations, intrusive thoughts, the weird "voice" speaking into my head, keeping a mental "checklist" of the things that I did that were straight, and many others).

Sorry if this is a tough read, it was tough to write too.

Anyone? Please?

Not sure. You could have ocd and ocd could be making the real you just more than it really is. Maybe you're pan? Maybe porn had affected you if you've watched it from a young age.

What do you mean the real me?

As far as porn goes I didn't start watching it until college.

I don't mean it necessarily is the real you. But like Snaga is bi but his OCD tells him he's just gay because of the gay side of him. So in a way it can manifest as such that it blows the real you out of proportion sometimes is all I was getting at. But there'd need to be something there for it to affect of course. If you really think you have accepted it you'd have to study your history from a non-OCD state.

Well I've sort of calmed down a bit from all this and am in a similar place to where I was a month ago. Was I in denial? I dunno. and I think that's okay for now. I do notice cute girls, I like looking at cute girls, and the rest will take care of itself, I think.

One thing I definitely need to do is stay away from EmptyClosets.com for a while. That place is just make my mental cycles worse.

The only reason an hocd person should be on that site is for potential exposure if you feel that would help but I think you're not using it as such.