pocd or not?

Hi so just signed up as ive been ruminating horrendously non stop and viewed many posts on the subject straight off any search engine result robert lindsay blogs etc and of course what it actually means//involves to be an actual pedophile all via tor (anonymous browser for drug markets etc) again as you can probably tell anonymity is very very important to me finally for some reason i have decided to bite the bullet and anonymously lay out my thoughts and experiences so people with some knowledge on the actual subject can dissect and give advice without me having to actually let anyone that knows me or would come in to contact with me irl now what is going in on my head...

SKip ahead past the blue text if you just want to read the pocd stuff

This is going to be a lonnnnnng post as theres a lot of background experiences and context to get through
Skip ahead to the pocd if neccasary

Lets start of the basics just a general idea of who i am my lifestyle and other mental health issues as well as context before this started happening.

Im a 23 year old male from the uk i live in a small town with my mother i have had chronic psoriasis and now as a result of that medication terrible terrible stretchmarks and arthritis i am now on new medication that lowers your immune system (Obviously this kind of issue invites ocd) I have been out of work(Not that any experience of such ive ever had has been anything but negative) first on esa for health reasons and now jobseekers since i finished uni a year and a half ago and have little to no social life, meaning i spend 90% of my time in the house apart from the same time everyday when i go shopping. This is as much as by choice as it isnt (Ive gotten to the point were people do literally nothing for me they just cause hassle and demand but give nothing back other than in my mums case household security other people would say thats a luxury and im taking advantage but i see it more as entitlement to a bare minimum of something decent and not #######5 in my life which is pretty much all other areas formally the only diagnosis i have is for aspergers (On a level i think this is inaccurate and actually i have a combination of specific attributes of various personality disorders that create a false profile of aspergers) or very high functioning autism basically of the level where im too functional to be treated like or have the limited intellectual function of serious serious autism so have all of the demands and expectations of a normal persons life but also not functional enough to maintain or achieve a normal average quality life basically im damned that im autistic and damned that im not autistic enough (obviously it wouldnt matter either way with ideological output of the current government here in the uk) i think you can probably guess what kind of childhood and adolescence i had based on that in combination with my own specific personality/idealized identity thats out of place with where my parents decided to bring me up its the polar opposite of where i probably would have wanted its cultural and intellectual suicide as far as im concerned but as youll probably get from all of this i dont feel i have the ability or motivation to do anything about this -

throughout childhood and adolescence i could tolerate and didnt exactly dislike most of the people around me but at the same time i never really connected with anyone nothing really ever happened was used most of the time (this is the same for my parents and rest of family) or got what education was really for - i did the bare minimum and for most people yould say i did above average even more so for someone with learning disabilities but at the same time i never truly cared for it or had a genuine reason to do it this is a metaphor for my wider life experience and work as well id guess. I then went to college (Different to U.S comes before university but after secondary school and studied media as it was the only thing people told me i was any good at i got the highest qualification you could get for that - college was better as there was more interesting people i had a bit of a social life i liked one or two people but i got the impression for them i was just an extra wheel so even that wasnt really that good or anything significant happened from a positive point of view. During this time i started derealising and depersonalising as soon as going to uni really came into mind

i then had a gap year were i planned to explore europe and prepare for uni unfortunately i couldnt get a job to fund that so that never happened so i had a lot of down time to do nothing and no real desire to do anything i had the beginnings of my ever present slide into alcoholism and all the time in the world to introspect/question existence lot of Nietzsche style god is dead and then latter irrelevant in the totality of existence kind of stuff and a lot of blasphemous anger directed at a any form of deity if there is one i went on holiday with my mum and sister to corfu(Greek island for family holidays and student/teen piss up holidays kind of reiterated my lack of a social life) during this time we had a drunken argument were she basically laid into me and told me people dont like deep thinkers and negative people basically that i wasnt allowed to be me or how i felt from that day on i decided i never really want to feel anything again i dont think i really ever have again i guess she forgot about it and i didnt make any more of it but i decided i didnt want to live there so i moved to my dads

i came back to hers for a period during which she made a throw away comment relating to freud and his oedipus complex i developed an intrusive thought around wanting to sleep with her later i moved back to my dads and it started happening about him ive kept all of this secret i knew it was all a lie no matter how strong or convincing i was dissociated from it so it didnt hit so hard during this time there was a female next door neighbour a milf who used to sunbathe in a bikini and once in a while topless i could see her from a window so i couldnt avoid temptation for ever and i repeatedly masturbated over her (Even now writing this i am getting a strong genuine arousal thinking about her but my brain on another level is bringing a image/contradicting me with pocd thoughts despite actual proof its directed at her and now diminished that thought towards her because it feels like its become corrupted ) - the only reason i fully went to uni is because i was told i would be kicked out if i did nothing with my life i then swore to myself that id do it but if nothing changed for me id throw myself of a famous landmark in the city of the uni i genuinely meant that - long story short it didnt (Everyone on the course was 100 % conventional standard middle class english teens preoccupied with adolescent social politics kinda like straight out of an American college film nobody alternative and really really clique, two of my roomates back at halls were some of the worse people imaginable aggressive and disrespectful alpha male "LAds" - where if they had a problem with something theyd give you all barrels, but if they did something it was like your making a mountain out of a molehill bro - they made mess everywhere never cleaned and stole food played cod through speakers at two in the morning etc) so what of the suicide i genuinely contemplated it then ended with a dark derisory laugh like hahahah i know you cant do it your trapped in this life and the level of $#%^ my suffering etc i actually find it comical on a level because its so absurd from the on everything was just a slog put your head down make sure you graduate go home try and recover and try again on some level i knew i was kidding myself and i could try as hard as i want but ill just give up its to hard to keep running an uphill battle you might as well take at best yoll have a crappy job that barely pays the bills a dingy sub par 1800's somebody died in it flat and keep this going because you have to its life and die mid 40s from cirrhosis still a virgin so whats the point in fighting it as of yet i barely see anything to prove me wrong.

Long story short dont get me wrong i had one or two good evenings out with acquaintances but that was it. I got used by girls on the course who just wanted free technology, i had a girl i would have liked to sleep with but nothing ever happened. Every module was a struggle to find people to work with then something went wrong and i had to do all of the work obviously the quality suffered as a result and i got a lower grade the individual modules however i excelled in by the last module i thought i was guaranteed a 2.1 or if it went well a 1st so on some level i slacked off becase id had enough of putting so much effort into something that constantly gave me ridiculous problems long story short i was very very close to not graduating because of other peoples bs and a technical issue even afterward the grade was so close to knocking me down from a 2.1 to a 2.2 im a narcissistic vain person so after all my sacrifice that would have been another kick in the teeth. During this time i developed a ritual where if i went out i had to see a woman before i could re-enter the house.

To summarise i would say i have a whole host of other mental health problems caused by my experiences or (lack of positive and abundance of small level never ending and beyond the realms of just logical coincidence negative experiences as well as other more serious problems) and intellectual struggle to come to terms with the human condition and my own existence. I dont believe that theres any reason for doing anything and any meaning we create for ourselves is just that, something weve created to distract ourselves and give comfort, from the existential nihilist total reality of the world. I believe this as a result of my ability to question my own existence as much as other people probably think this is a result of mental health issues etc its chicken and the egg both are a product of each other and both would exist without each other, i could probably have all the riches in the world and would still be unable to appreciate it. I dont believe ive ever head a positive emotion or experience in the way other people do there is always the sensation that this could be better or straight up not good enough yet at the same time anything negative is the most intense experience ever no matter how small fundamentally i feel life is a burden and if there was a deity im just that guy that has been chosen to get ###$ alll the time and never rewarded, just because somebody had to be and on the other end part of me doenst believe other people exist that everything is just code and information and that everything that exists and is just is that reality is fundamentally inauthentic and automated


This thread is obviously relating to ocd and pocd so im not gonna devote endless endless pages to every thing i feel - simply that i hit a switch around three years ago were that feeling of wanting to even be alive has been so fundamentally removed but at the same time i know i have absolutely no ability to kill myself i can barely tolerate stubbing my toe as well as the fact that no matter how #######5 this reality is there is always the possibility for whatever happens next to be even worse hence i am reluctant to live but at the same time unable to die whilst striving for it at the same time. Im sure you can probably guess the likely mental health ilnesses that come of the back of that and enhanced with the reality that life doesnt give a $#%^ about you but you are still expected to carry on with the slavery of survival and society i feel like my life is and will always be an endless uphill battle just to do everything people expect of each other and to get no reward and even if i ever did i dont id really get anything from it then throw into the mix the sure ridiculous nature of how negative experiences happen and how often they happen that goes against probability or coincidence - im waffling but all this info will be useful later


Now to the actual what i believe to be pocd and development of ocd tendencies probably a lot of irrelevance until the actual thing but please persevere

I got back home with the intention to recover and start again that id put up 3 years of hell sheer endurance so i deserved a year to recover regardless, but i just couldnt make myself do it i just dont see the incentive or actual ability to do so i knew there was a limit to how long i could realistically be allowed to keep doing this so obviously there was an underlying anxiety that really stopped me recovering and the frustration that still nothing had changed so never would- then another tip over the edge - around may last year i was a victim of banking fraud they took all my money and worst of all i later found out they had stolen my identity and applied for severall pay day loans - i had to report to police, i had to spend hours contacting my bank who eventually sorted it and re-embursed me but i would have to sort out researching and finding the payday loan companies from the bank statements weeks and weeks going round the houses trying to find the account and what they wanted from me this lasted for months until eventually they dropped the interest and just asked for the money back i did this and even now its not fully resolved they have recieved the money and confirmed but still once in a while i get a call from another department asking for the money during this period i was the stressed ive ever been my routine became later and later i felt like my life was on hold whilst i was waiting for it to end i completely went into a shell which im still not fully out of

i dont eat until 2am i dont go to sleep until past 3 am and dont wake till 2pm everyday has the same basic routine id wake up around 2pm watch tv and recover for an hour then i would go out shopping come home and masturbate watching normal hetero porn mainly milfs start cooking around 5 and eat lunch around 6 then watch tv start cooking dinner get that ready around 12am watch a routine scheduled series of family guy and american dad untill that stopped then ramsays kitchen nightmares and drink 4 cans of cider microwaving my meal around the end of the 2nd can then watch futurama south park etc finish eating and go to bed repeat every day but with different food to eat i was dissociated with all the freedom in the world and i loved it and if things are not done i cant do the next thing until the previous thing is done during this time i began a local individual employment support session the woman was very attractive listened to me and above all came across as genuine the perfect woman if i ever had the luck to find a woman half as good as her it would make up for the rest of the $#%^ life has put me through she added a dimension that made masturbating really good like id do it even more than i had before probably ten times a day this continued every day and i found videos that looked like her and masturbated every time before i had a meeting with her obviously i knew i would be an idiot to think there was anything mutual so it was just a private pleasure this happened with a female nurse that came to inject meds also but that was less often..

During this time i noticed women out and about like normal nothing ritualistic yet and would try to find porn like them this was spontaneous rather than necessary at this point.. Then my sister came home from uni for a period and my mum had time off work so they were there all of the time i couldnt do anything whilst they were clearly awake and around so more often than not the masturbating moved to after the first family guy american dad compulsion somehow before and during this period she somehow never managed to be around on her days off so i was still comfortable and able to do this hassle free but after this period and everything went back to normal both masturbatory routines persisted but i scrapped out the kitchen nightmares routine to accomodate it. Then my meetings with the employment woman stopped around june last year this moved onto me doing volunteer work i didnt really want to do this but i was emotionally blackmailed into it had to show some progress gardening weirdly i found a really good porno relating to this so i wanted to get a woman unfortunately i ended up getting a retirement age man who didnt really need or want the service i dont know why but instinctively i shaked his hand this instantly afterward i knew was a mistake as it intruded over my masturbation it ruined the above video and another woman that my mind thought looked a bit like him if he was a woman

in addition before the volunteering started there was an intrusive thought of a bestial nature id been out shopping and there was a woman with a Labrador i was checking the woman out and then my eyesight slipped over to the dog for a second and everything was horribly on show i couldnt get it out of my mind for 3 days and then it went this was in the week before the volunteering started during this period another form of employment service was started it was going ok for a month but i never had a full idea of what it was supposed to offer or what doing it or not doing it would leave me and obviously i brought up my suspected mental health issues and nihilistic ideas they brought up the idea of a mental health assessment and i didnt think anything of it at first then a week later my mother decided to randomly out of nowhere redesign the living room where i spend the most of my time she started repainting the room changed paintings and fixtures around my entire functioning in the room got completely changed around she then left half of the painting undone because the area needed to be re plastered 4 months later it is still undone during this period she bought a new sofa and i ended up with hers that caused a bit of a problem because i had never associated the previous sofa with her it was mine (This is where i masturbate)

so obviously in the back of my mind there was an association there i largely managed to forget it then i started finding the sofa unbareable to sit down (This was all in combination to the unrealised trigger that a mental health assesment was starting to come on the cards) on it was too large my body didnt feel right over the cushion gap the side cushions pushed into me too much my body felt stuck in one position this built up until i couldnt stop being irritable didnt feel like i could enjoy anything anymore and the constant tension wouldnt go away i got angry and angry to the point i would storm out the door i had arguments revolving around the fact id rather be homeless than put up with this $#%^ the rest of my life then the mental health assessment started gaining traction its important to note that i would rather suffer in silence than divulge everything in my head in an inauthentic clinical setting so this filled me with dread and anxiety on the level of the banking fraud. i felt like everything was becoming too real i couldnt eat for a 5 day period i lost interest in my normal activities found it harder to wake up had to back upstairs and panic in bed until i felt i could come back down again and try and endure it i couldnt focus on anything and i felt really difficult to make a decision on anything couldnt shave etc

I started feeling better ish when i resigned myself to the fact i cant change i dont want to be at the mental health assessment i will give the bare minimum but there will be somethings i take to my grave

first case of pocd

During this period i was watching porn and trying to find a woman on facebook i knew and had seen repeatedly irl i found her very attractive on facebook i struggle to stay hard if i dont have stimulus (Id started smoking cigarettes more during this period) so i kept masturbating and obviously as you can imagine with facebook i didnt think this through but loads of people put pictures of their babys as their display pictures i didnt think anything of it as my mind was in tunnel vision and i couldnt understand why i couldnt find her and i couldnt conceive how many people would have children as display pics everytime it happened my mind went ###$ sake whats wrong with you people why you have to put that as your display stop forcing them on people i gave up thought nothing of it because i knew i was looking for the woman. In retrospect i shouldnt have been so stupid and taken the risk the minute i saw i should have stopped but i was too focused on the woman i am still not 100 reconciled on this thats the type of mind have its unforgiving.

Everything was fine for a while i thought nothing more of it and then the mental health assesment was confirmed scheduled i went out shopping with my mum i was checking out a few woman and then out of nowhere a woman came round the corner with a newborn it was horribly vivid and i couldnt get it out of my head this began a minor i believe pocd episode i was more detached and dissociated mentally so it didnt cut as deep it wasnt as overwhelming as it is now the image forced itself on me when i was masturbating and trying to remember woman i had seen earlier in the day i kept going despite it happening as it wasnt intense enough that i knew it was being forced on me and i didnt really want it there in retrospect again i should have stopped but my masturbation over woman has become too much of a compulsion for me to stop.

all of the things that happen in pocd and obsessional thinking happened the fighting with your thoughts it saying and imagining terrible thoughts an endless loop, because i was dissociated and still had a greater strength in my identity the voice was less powerful it was easier for me to realise it was not genuine despite it saying so and i was able to more quickly get over it i knew the voice was bs and i just had to wait for it to stop.
Everything went back to normal apart from my stress went back towards the real problem of the sofa and the mental health assessment issue this was fine for a period then the mental health assessment unexpectedly got brought forward from this point i found it harder to masturbate to completion as woman on tv adult channels started becoming distorted and looking really masculine or just plain not attractive anymore this was in combination to me realising how bad my stretchmarks were and increasing sense that no woman would find me attractive and any experience if i ever had one wouldnt be entirely positive because of this beforehand id blocked this out enough i imagine im the worse person to be vain but i am thats what makes the mental health issues and physical appearance all the more painful

The day and night before the assessment was one of the most apprehensive days of my life and then i woke up with a sudden calmness i couldnt understand it it was like my brain was sequestered away from it and i was just going to get through it.
I walked in saw the therapist and instantly knew he was crap he walked in the cubicle with some scrap paper and a pen, nothing that is listed as should happen at a assessment on any mental health site there was no structure or organisation he asked me nothing about my life dismissed what i thought was wrong with me told me all his other patients are on his xmas card list and that his dissociation from being in the military was far worse than anything id experienced basically it was just aspergers and im a lazy and manipulative $#%^. I had no confidence that i would get an accurate assesment

my anxiety moved to waiting for the assessment what it could mean and what happened next

A MONTH AGO
My mums parents are starting to have health problems so she went to visit them for a week this was an opportunity for me to calm down and try and get back to a normal mental state during this time i stupidly decided to take a small sip of some brandy my mother had bought thought nothing of it checked back the next day panicked and watered it down i panicked and realised i needed to replace the whole brandy i went to go out and get it before she got back they didnt have it in stock so i couldnt replace the bottle they had a smaller measurement and i thought it would re-dilute enough but i didnt feel it did i couldnt make my mind up wether to confess or just hope to get away with i decided the latter but couldnt get other the anxiety on the way back home from picking the brandy up i had to wait to see a woman before i could go in the house i thought i saw a woman out of the corner of my eye but it turned out to be a young boy i thought ###$ sake saw a woman in a car and thought that was ok it didnt the image intruded but i continued anyway as i still havent learnt my lesson and that i could just ignore it that then i got an email about attending another work group that i didnt want to go to to start last tuesday that was 23 days ago and every day since when i have gone out theres has either been nothing but children prams or babys everywhere i go after every woman i see immediately two prams come out of nowhere then last week i attended the session id gotten the mental health assesment it turned out to be what i expected and not helpful the whole time this pocd stuff has been happening but on a low level then i finished the work group session and thought anything stressing you has stopped i was walking onto the bus home and i thought surely having a wank will be ok now and as soon as i thought that i noticed there was a pram with a baby horribly in my view now everything has escalated and gotten worse i cant say the word wank without having that image pop up i cant think of any woman without it intruding. Everyday everytime i use facebook somebody has liked or posted a picture with a child or baby there are adverts all of the time and now i cant stop noticing all of the family pictures around the house i look at them and there is no arousal yet my brain keeps telling me that im a peado and ive always been a peado and ive just been in denial or my brain has made out ive liked woman when all the time really i havent i no i woke up sexually pretty early and was very attracted to woman how can i be faking that for over a decade it makes no sense but my brain wont accept it its like the genuine part of me as become ungenuine and the ungenuine feels genuine it cottons on to that and goes around the houses so i have an even looser grasp of everything and the calmer and more rational i become the more anxious and unsure i became because it still feells like the voice telling me im a peado is genuine but im not fighting it as much this is breaking me down so much that i havent stopped ruminating all day everyday for the last week i look in the mirror and i dont see myself im struggling to eat i havent masturbated in two days as i wont to believe this is a really ###$ up way for me to change give up compulsions but i cant be sure ive even said come on then get hard go watch some you now what i dont even care anymore i cant deal with the anxiety or constant obsession and testing i know i don want to do it because i dont want it and i dont want to be scarred for life but the ocd tells me its just because i dont want to get caught ive had chest pain an upset stomache and groinal checking of course no arousal absolutely no erection whatsoever but my brain is telling me its hiding it from me on purpose id like to check my response to hetero porn but everytime my mind drifts to it all the images of babys etc and the one on the bus every time i say wank so i cant do it. When i go outside my brain tells me i want to see babys when im first off saying i want to see woman. Everything ive read tells me im not a peado but i cant get the intrusiveness out of the way. Even yesterday i thought id gotten over it had a hetero porn wank it wasnt perfect but i knew i was the woman then i go out instantly on the radio there talking about a footballer guilty of child sex offenses i get out of their and what do i see instantly another ######6 pram i know all i can keep doing is go to sleep wake up and see if it stops the next day i know im not a peado but its convinced me on a level that i would believe that and that even if this stops it doesnt mean im not

Ive told my parents im having really really bad ocd and intrusive thoughts but i refuse to divulge the subject matter i get people saying there not judgemental and all but i dont fully believe that.

This post is very long and hard to read because you don't really use punctuation marks etc. Would you mind posting a shorter version with only the most important information?