TOCD or what am I feeling exactly?

Hey everyone!

I'm a 20-year-old homosexual guy (thought it'd be relevant to state the sexuality part), who has been dealing with anxiety for the last two years.
Now, I have never actually been "diagnosed" with anxiety, but I have had some sessions with my doctor (they offered me some "therapy sessions" of some sort, because I felt anxious) and talked a lot with my mom about it when I first got anxiety.
Prior to the day that the anxiety suddenly struck me (when I was 17), I have never been dealing with any psychological problems in my life, so naturally I was completely taken aback, and was very scared and confused. I was certain that I was going crazy, because I felt this sense of not being awake (You are all probably familiar with that stupid feeling of somehow feeling as if you are dreaming), and I kept looking for mental illnesses on Google, because I was afraid that I was becoming schizophrenic, or something like that, and kept looking at "symptoms of psychosis due to drugs", because I was completely convinced that my state was caused by that single huff of a joint that I had taken two months earlier - Which was completely irrational!
But talking to my mom helped me a lot, because I needed CONSTANT assurance that I wasn't becoming psychotic, although it, once again, was completely illogical, and I would even call her several times a day, while I was in school, because it freaked me out so bad..

And it was around this time, while she spent a lot of time helping me with my anxiety, that she accidentally asked me whether I was "satisfied with being a boy or not". (She actually meant to ask me if I was homosexual, but she was tired and formed the sentence in a strange way, which she didn't actually mean - So she corrected herself). Well, I told her that yes, I was gay, and she was very cool about it and all, so that was the way I came out to my mom, although I really hadn’t pictured coming out to her like that.
But for some reason, the first question she had asked me lingered, and I became very confused about that, too, and I kept looking for answers on the internet for whether I was transgendered or not, although, prior to that day, I had never considered it whatsoever!
I have never been a feminine guy (probably a bit metro-masculine? haha), but when I was little I always clicked better with girls and didn't mind playing with girly toys and dressing up sometimes as well - Like many other gay kids have done, I assume.
Due to the fact that I often played with girls, I was often bullied by other kids (it was always the same few kids, others treated me nicely), who called me things like "tranny" and told me that I should have been born a girl, which naturally made me sad and angry, since I didn't perceive myself as a girl. And this, I think, should be evidence enough to prove to myself that I am not transgendered, because I have never actually wanted to be a girl..
But then again, my head keeps reminding me of certain things from when I was small, which could prove me otherwise, such as the fact that I liked dressing up sometimes, wearing wigs and dresses, as well as a few occasions, as I recall it, where I have thought that it could be nice to try a be a girl. But on the other hand, my choice in toys has never been fixed at anything specific, because I also really liked cars, video games and these boys’ toys called ”Bionicles”.
Furthermore, I also keep recalling a lot of times when I played with my friends, and almost always chose to play a female character instead of a male character, and it makes me feel really embarrassed for some reason, although I know many girls who preferred to play male characters instead of female characters as well; And then another memory keeps popping up, which is my only memory where I actually consequently wanted people to misgender me, which was a time when I was 10 or so, on a games forum on the internet.. But when another member on the forum finally called me ”she”, I said that I was in fact a boy; so this memory actually turns into a strange paradox to me, and makes me feel annoyed, because I fear that I may have a suppressed idea of being a girl.. But then again, since I was kind of a ”pretty kid”, or at least had an androgynous face when I was 11-12 years old, I was once misgendered by someone in public, which made me annoyed as well, because, well, as I’ve stated, I felt as a boy!
So all these strange thoughts just keep popping up in my head, and it is as though I’m constantly evaluating and trying to logically settle my inner ”discussion”, except that I just keep throwing the ”ball” back and forth without actually ever coming to any settling conclusion.
Furthermore, I have never hated my body, and I don't hate it now either! Just before the time where anxiety hit me I actually really liked my body, and now I feel kind of neutral about it - Perhaps because anxiety has a way of making me feel a little more "neutral" in general in proportion to emotions, due to this feeling of being "outside of myself" or sometimes as if I'm dreaming, but I still don’t hate my body. And sexually, I have only ever fantasized about being with another guy with the body that I have/had, although I have a hard time having real sexual fantasies after I got anxiety.
But annoyingly enough, after anxiety came along, I have sometimes looked in the mirror to check if I felt that something was wrong about my body, although I didn’t think so, and other times I would even avoid looking in the mirror fearing that I WOULD feel something was wrong; Although I've never felt any resentment!
But these thoughts still annoy me a great deal.. I think and think and think almost all the time, as if I can't stop! I keep wondering if I want to have breasts, if I'd be happier as a girl, wonder if I actually hate my body although I know that I actually don't. Sometimes I can spend quite a lot of time researching gender identities on the internet, and whenever I read something about the way you can discover your gender identity (for instance that some people realize it late in life, or that you can, in fact, be in denial in proportion to gender as well), or even when I read about certain random celebrities like Caitlyn Jenner, I will feel freaked out and all confused and feel as if I'm unable to separate what I'm feeling from what a transgendered person feels, although I don't actually hate being me, or don't have an internal feeling of being a girl.. But the thought just seems real, somehow!
Another thing I can mention is the use of pronouns; I don’t actually hate or cringe upon being called ”he”, but everytime somebody calls me ”he” I will note it and sometimes start thinking: ”Did I like that?”, ”Would I have liked it better, if they had said ”she”” and so on.
The same goes for words like ”son” and even my own name, although I don’t hate being called either son or by my name, and never gave it any thought when I was younger; Actually, when I was around 14 years old, I really loved when my younger cousins said that they’d wish I was their ”older brother”, because I would get a sense of pride. And additionally, when I hit puberty I never thought what was happening to my body was terrible in any way.. When I grew a beard I just started shaving, it just seemed very natural to me, and for a long time I actually thought that my greatest physical trait were my hairy legs (a teenager’s mind sure is funny sometimes), and, well, although I had a fascination with long hair (such as wigs) and have experimented with makeup, although never wanting to wear it in public, I always liked getting a cool, short haircut and really loved wearing ”cool” clothes.
So I guess it’s only natural that I perceive these transgender-thoughts as a confusing paradox.

Furthermore, I have also had some periods where this worry/thought about being transgendered has disappeared for awhile, because it was replaced by other chaotic thoughts. For instance, there was a short period where I was so worried that I was a paedophile and that the police would come and get me, and yet another time where I was worried that the government was watching what I was writing when I chatted with my friends on Facebook (both of course stupid and illogical); I have even worried about suffering from male-pattern baldness for two weeks straight (this one is quite funny though), and whether I was addicted to pornography or not, after reading about a guy who was addicted to it!
Luckily I have managed to overcome these thoughts almost completely (for some reason it's easier for me to find a logic solution to these thoughts) but the one about transgenderism just won't go away, and it just feels like such a big taboo for me to talk about it; Not because I’m transphobic, but perhaps because I fear that if I talk about these thoughts, they will become reality, or that a psychiatrist will conclude that I won't stop ruminating unless I accept that I am transgendered or whatever.. Which makes me feel at unease..
Luckily I have learned how to control my anxiety, but unfortunately I wake up almost every morning feeling uncomfortable around my chest area (around my heart), while feeling a little anxious, although the feeling is never as ”strong” as it once was.. So do you think that it perhaps is possible to get so used to feeling anxiety that the sense of it kind of.. Flattens out, but still is there? Just like when you watch a great movie for the first time you will feel really fascinated, and then the more times you watch it the more ”neutral” the sensation of watching it becomes, although you still enjoy watching the movie? (Does this comparison make sense to you?) So my only way of defining whether I feel anxious or not, is by checking if I have heart palpitations, if I feel restless or by determining how strong my sense of "unreality" is!
So, summa summarum, I’m really tired, scared and confused by feeling these things, and thinking these thoughts.

Phew, this post got a lot longer than I had expected – Really sorry about that, I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.
But what do you reckon this might be? May this be connected to something like OCD, although I don't recall that I've ever shown symptoms of OCD before (the only things that pop into my head is the fear of talking in telephones when I was younger, and my fear of dogs), might it be Generalized Anxiety or what is this I'm feeling? I know that I shouldn’t ask for a diagnosis from people on the internet, but I just felt that I needed to ask and have a little discussion about it, or maybe get some advice.

Thanks in advance!
- Kazoo

22 year old male here, going through something very similar. pretty much the same, except i'm straight. Like you i also dressed up when i was younger, although i really don't remember it, except i dressed up as a girl for halloween when i was younger. I don't even remember wether it was my idea or not to be honest. However the best advice i can give you is just ask yourself, if you were given the option to be born again a female instead of a male would you make that choice. i really don't think i would, however with my ocd i'm obviously going to naturally doubt that answer. Sometimes i'll even ask myself a question in my head and the answer i fear comes across my mind, or i'll mentally recite phrases like "i'm a man" over and over again and then "i'm a woman" will pop up. i'll make deals with myself, like if i choose the right side the mens bathroom is at in a place I've never been than i must be a man. however if i lose these bets i spiral into anxiety or even get anxiety now when i see a woman bathroom sign. Before this i had the irrational fear of being gay, only to be replaced with this. Another thing that gives me a glimmer of hope though, is that when i do make those bets theres always this hope that it turns out i'm a man. deep down to the core. Idk if that makes sense to you, i want my outcome to be me being a man, i don't think a person who's transgender could honestly say this.

Hi Kazoo,

I'm really glad you put those things off your chest. I can tell you you're not the only one struggle with it. I also suffer from TOCD for 2 yrs and I'm also gay. The first time I had TOCD thought is probably when I came out (as gay). I watched some gay TV shows and they said gay guys are mentally girls, which freaked me out. I always afraid being gay means I'm not masculine enough which leads to me less of a man. I never identify myself as a masculine guy, but I don't want to be less of a man (or less of a human). I've also watched lots of transgender videos, but it doesn't erase my anxiety.

I can relate to most of your symptoms. Right now I'm very anxious around typical feminine stuffs, like high heels, makeups, dresses. And I'm always very conscious about my penis. It feels weird since I have TOCD. I also suffer from depression and anxiety for about 3 yrs.

What I can suggest is trying to focus on something besides TOCD. I don't know how often do you think of your gender identity before TOCD hit you. Not a lot, right? But now it's all you think about, 24/7. If that's what all we think about, then that'll be all we feel, anxious about our gender identities. Life is full of everything, and you can't let those themes consist of all your life. Also that's why it will be helpful to talk with someone, b/c you can sense someone besides you now, you can reconnect with this world.

If you can't find someone to talk to in real life, feel free to message me. It's hard to find a person can relate to your symptoms, but I can totally relate to you. We're suffering from the same stuffs. Hope we can get better day by day!

Hi guys, thank you both for your replies!

Jdog2323; When I read your reply, I actually freaked out - Kinda! (It's not your fault though, of course!)
I mean, I can relate to the thing about men's and women's restrooms; I do the same thing (somehow), I make sure that I enter the men's restrooms, and not accidentally the women's, because I somehow "believe" that that would make me a woman, or because I fear that I would enjoy it.. But what is there to enjoy, really? I mean, it's just peeing women, God damn it.. I feel like such an idiot!
But then you said the thing about you always wanting the outcome to be that you are a man.. And I've never thought about this, for some weird reason, - Which is why I freaked out and got convinced for the 10 minutes that I was in the shower just now that I MUST be transgendered - because I guess I just want to be.. Me.. And feel secure about my identity, as I did before!
I mean.. The thing is, I don't think my own gender identity has meant A LOT to me before all of this happened; It never REALLY has. I always knew that I was a guy, and I was completely fine with that, but my identity has always meant being "ME" more than it has meant being a "MAN" (to a certain extend, of course), and therefore, the thing you wrote made me think that since I have never thought about the outcome to be "man" it must be the opposite, and then my world small-scale-crashed for 10 minutes.
But then again, if my identity was "me" more than it was "man", doesn't that just make me.. A man, since I never wondered if my identity was the opposite? Does that make sense?
And I wouldn't just suddenly change to the opposite from one day to the other, would I? I mean.. That makes no sense to me, anyway; No sense at all, now that I sit here looking at my thoughts from the outside.

So it must be somekind of anxiety or TOCD, or whatever, that I'm feeling, because when I look back at the time just before all of this happened, I had some manly characteristics that I was very happy and proud of (for instance my jawline and deep voice), and if I was compared to a good-looking guy (lol) I would feel very proud too, because, well, it's acknowledgement, innit?
But recently, and this is a thing that has just developed over the last few months, I can even be afraid and anxious about TOUCHING my own jawline, because I fear that I will detest it or want it gone. Strange. Very strange.
(But mostly when I look in the mirror - not always of course, since I still have the occasional zit, haha - I actually am really quite satisfied with what I see; not that I want to sound narcissistic..)
So what is up with my mind?!

But I guess the question is then; How am I supposed to move over this/on with this? Should I, as you suggested, Summerhood1993, talk to someone like a therapist about it, and perhaps get a diagnosis, if what it is really is OCD?

Oh, and by the way, whenever I drink alcohol the thoughts mostly go away, but the day after I will feel absolutely blue, and my fears and thoughts resurface. Is this "normal"?

- Kazoo

Kazoo that makes absolute sense to me, and i guess when i said i always hope the outcome ends in me being a man. that's pretty much what i meant, just that i just am pretty content staying me, who happens to be a man. Just the sense that i've never felt that i should be some one else. It's nice to hear I'm not the only one who overly focuses on bathrooms. the other day, the mens bathroom was being cleaned and it sent me into a spiral, of me thinking that the universe was sending me signs that i really was transgender. Also i saw a GIF of a transgender and it made me freak out so much that i had to go put this transgender thing to the test, and tried on my moms bottom skirt thing and stuff my shirt giving me the appearance of a woman it didn't give me any sense of relief as i have read. however that relief only lasts temporarily until the next thing i see online , or in real life that in anyway could be related to me being a woman. I honestly don't think either of us are transgender, the worst part of all of this for me has been that the theme infiltrates my dreams as well. i don't know if you have experienced this, but it makes it feel like i just can't escape it. However i like what you said, about all you really wanting is to be the person that you were before all of this. a person who had a solid sense of self. I feel like i've completely lost that. I think if you're open to talking to a therapist and have the means to do so that it would be very helpful by the way man! It's always nice to get an outside perspective especially of someone who is trained and does it for a living to put a rational and educated perspective on your thoughts. It pains me to read that so many other people have to deal with this

Hi Kazoo,

Wow, reading your post felt like reading about my life and feelings at the moment.

I'm a 25 year old gay guy (I have identified as a gay male since as long as I can remember) and have recently been diagnosed with anxiety disorder. My anxieties used to be about flying, or being trapped in large masses. A couple of years ago the thought ""you will have to throw up" just entered my mind from nowhere and has been stuck there ever since. So basically these last few years being in a situation where there is no clear possibility to leave or go to the toilet without problems has been hell for me.

This February however, the thought "Am I transgender?" entered my head and hasn't left since. I really suffer from it, as the thought causes me lots and lots of anxiety. As you so wonderfully write, I have been in a constant need of reassurance that I am not trans, nor that I will have to undergo the operations etc. It's not that I have a problem with transgendered people though. However I never identified with them in the same way as I identify with gay men.

When I was a child I used to prefer playing with girls (as they were about the only children not playing football during school breaks) and I always felt that I was "softer" than most boys. I used to dress up as girls, but this was always for fun. I don't remember ever having the feeling of wanting to wake up as a girl. I don't remember ever feeling pain of having to wear boys clothing. I've always been fascinated by powerful women and consider myself a strong feminist. It's like I'm attracted to the feminine spirit, but not the female body.

However, the anxiety I feel causes me to CONSTANTLY reflect on my childhood and teenage years. Did I truly never feel the urge to be a girl? Was it really just only playful? Am I a feminist because I am a woman? Even writing this gives me anxiety.

I very much relate to your stories of CONSTANTLY being in a discussion with myself, so longing for the "final" argument, so longing for control and certainty. I also never had any problems with my body and can remember very vividly of being quite pleased with the way I looked and being quite pleased with becoming more manly over the years. Since February however, anxiety causes me to be afraid to look into the mirror. It's like my mind warns me that if I look, I might see a girl instead of a boy. I have become very aware of concepts as "man" or "woman". My mind is triggered to wory about gender, whenever I see these words in the newspaper for instance. Pronouns also trigger my thoughts. I don't feel bad when people refer to me as "him" of "his", but it has become a bit weird. I automatically wonder if I'd prefered people addressing me as "she" or "her". But I don't find the answer to the question. I only feel anxiety in my stomach. Funily enough these last few weeks I have been confronted with lots of "signs' of transgenderism. I would notice a report in the paper, or a character in a tv-series, or the waitress in my coffeeshop who happens to be transsexual. It causes me a lot of anxiety, because I start wondering if the universe is giving me signals or something.

I constantly try to find reassurance in the way I dress or the way I sit. In the way I walk or the way I talk. The only time my "trans" anxiety disappears is when it is replaced by another anxiety so it seems. Sometimes I also get the feeling of waking up from a dream during a second. The feeling you experience when you're having a weird dream and you wake up and start to realise that everything in the dream was fake. This feeling gives me so much joy, but it never seems to last. I fall back into the anxiety every time.

Anyway, I feel so confused and like I'm losing myself. Just at a moment where I felt really good about myself and my appearance.

Reading your story was really an eye opener for me.

Would you mind staying in touch to share our struggle?

Hi Belgianguy,

OMG, I can totally relate to your situation. It seems that some gay men are suffered from TOCD. Maybe we should start a discussion group about this lol. I've been suffering from TOCD for over 2 yrs, so it might be a long journey. I'm glad you come to this forum so early. Talking to someone about this can be definitely helpful. Finding a therapist can help you a lot. My therapist has helped me figure out lots of thoughts. Keep holding on and stay in touch!

Hi!

Wow 2 years. Have you been in therapy? Does it seem to help? I'm so relieved that people can relate to what I'm feeling and experiencing. The thoughts are so real...

Hi,

It's not that I've been miserable everyday in this two years, but there're definitely many terrible moments. Therapy is very helpful. If I could give any advice for myself when I just started TOCD, I would say finding a therapy as soon as possible. Any counselors/psychologists can help you to control your symptoms to some extents, and if necessary medications should be considered. I would also suggest meditation, that helps me a lot recently. And quit all those bad habits that give you temporary reassurances. Once you have those reassurances in your life, you're still out of your control.

I know those feelings are so real, and you'll question yourself in every way. But as times go on, the intensity decreases, and you don't care about it that much. Hope you can do it well. And do you think it's helpful if we establish a discussion group about gay men with TOCD? I just found out there's a group function in this forum.

I think that would be a great idea. Having a very bad weekend. Constantly looking for reassurances and constantly questioning every move and thought.

I' am in therapy, but it's still in an early fase. Really trying to ignore the thoughts, but somehow obsessing over them seems easier...