Hocd or repressed gay male : /

Ok i've been obsessing with my sexuality for the past 3 months, I remember my first crush was on my teacher when i was about 4 years old. I have many crushes since then all of have been girls. I have had relationships but nothing too serious. I lost my virginity when i was 16 years old. I still remember it like it was yesterday the joy i felt after was probably the most joy i've ever felt in my life. I also jerked off to straight porn since i was about 10 almost every day. I would have spurts throughout my life where i would just not masturbate for awhile. I also was molested by a boy at the age of 6 i dont really remember how it felt or how it started but i always felt ashamed and gay because of it, but i knew i wasn't because i didnt like males and i loved females way too much. Now this where all the obsessing over my sexuality ties in. I was hanging out with one of my close friends smoking weed having a normal conversation. I was making eye contact with him and it just started to feel weird so then my heart started beating really fast and i thought ohh noooo ! i must like him. I then said to myself no way I'm just overreacting there's no way i like him. So then i went home later that day and fell asleep and tried to hangout with him the next day but my mind kept saying i like him when i have no sexual or romantic desire for him. I just considered him a really good friend and we shared a tight bond. My anxiety was through the roof so i just left his house abruptly and made up some bull $#%^ excuse. So i just kept obsessing over this and ultimately cut off all ties with him. Then i just started to check whether i was attracted to guys and theres where things got 100000x worse. I literally felt attracted to every male i encountered and started have unwanted intrusive thoughts. i called out of work for 3 weeks and didn't eat and couldn't sleep, i was in severe depression (still am)i started to get groinal responses and that spiked me tremendously i thought i was officially gay despite the fact that i crushed on girls and when i mean crushed i crushed like i literally love females so much !! i could never fathom how someone could be gay. At first these thoughts disgusted me and made me feel ill now i just feel neutral to them like i dont feel disgusted but i generally have no desire to be gay whatsoever. My life feels like its pointless and i should just kill myself but i could never do that because one of my biggest fears was dying. I told my parents and brothers about and they all say that im not gay and im just obsessing and if worst case scenario i actually am gay they would except me, but that doesnt make me feel any better because i could never accept being gay like idgaf about gay people before this i was not homophobic at all. Theres actually a gay kid at my job and he's a cool ass dude i have no problem with him. When gay people would be brought up in a conversation i would be like hey well theres more girls for me so why should i care. I literally cried more times than i could recall because of this nonsense. Eventually i looked up men naked to see if i was aroused but my penis didn't get hard at all but it felt like i was aroused i just dont know, but when i look at naked females my dick gradually becomes erect. I also watched gay porn like 7 times but every time my penis is soft. Im just really lost and confused and need some insight please someone help me i just want to be the old me i dont even recognize this person i've become.

Anyone ?? :///

Give it time not everyone reads every single post 24/7.

I know but I really been buggin out I didn't even sleep last night I feel that the naked images of men and the gay porn has scarred my brain permanently and most of all I'm really sad cuz like I said he was my best friend literally, he was one of the guys that really valued friendship and was always there for me no matter what. Whenever we would go out to bars we wouldn't have lots of fun and he would buy me drinks and sparked me on endless amount of weed. He was the big brother I always wanted, even though I have two older brothers but we weren't close mainly because of the stupid $#%^ I did in the past and feel like somehow even if I repair the brotherhood it's not going to be the same. I feel this incident has ultimately changed my life completely and I'll never be that cheerful optimistic guy I once was : /

-- Sat Feb 06, 2016 6:34 pm --

I meant to say would have lots of fun*

People don't just turn gay. They're born that way. You can't get hard looking at blokes, but you do when you look at naked chicks. That doesn't sound very gay to me!

Im so scared i don't know what the ###$ to do !!!! My head literally hurts from thinking about this $#%^ it doesn't matter what i do I'm never distracted from this #######4 I can't focus I'm a freshman in college I haven't even adapted to the college curriculum yet and this $#%^ is making it even harder. I literally want to die i hope somehow I get into an accident and just die I'm tired of constantly being scared and worrying about this I don't see the light at the end of tunnel I don't even think therapy will help I think it will just just be a waste of time and money. The sessions are $200 an hour since they don't take my type of insurance. I cry almost every day this whole thing seems like a nightmare that I'll never wake up from this nightmare. I couldn't even enjoy the Super Bowl yesterday and there were actually pretty girls at my brothers house who I would be attracted to if this wasn't bothering me. My brothers friend made it even worse by saying I heard your gay bro, and I didn't even deny it I just said who said that I was in complete shock and severely anxious. The only person who could have told him are my brothers who I told about this. I'm too sad to even be angry at them but at the same time I'm pretty ticked off like my own blood could betray me like this.

If you went most of your life being straight then it's likely you're straight and it's just the OCD messing with your head, making you worry. The marijuana probably triggered that event between you and your friend since it can increase social anxiety/paranoia, which will make you worry more. It can also increase heart rate, because smoking anything in general will do that. So you had a normal physiological reaction to smoking, then got excessively worried about it and had a panic attack, then let that panic attack affect your later actions. Sounds like you could have OCD and maybe possibly Panic Attack Disorder. Being molested at a young age probably doesn't help with your paranoid thoughts about being gay. Do you have a therapist you can talk about your past with, who specializes in OCD? That would probably be most helpful step for you right now.

If you're attracted to girls then you're not gay, you're at most bi. And who cares if you're bi? You don't have to act on any same-sex feelings, and it sounds like you aren't even attracted to guys, just worried that you are. If you were attracted to guys you wouldn't be worried if you were or weren't, you would KNOW and just be worried about other people finding out. I'm bi myself and don't even question it, despite having OCD, because I simply know that I'm attracted to both sexes. What I AM afraid of is telling anyone except one or two close friends, because I know most of my family and freinds would be weirded out by it, aside from one of my groups of friends and maybe one of my brother and mom. You told your mom and not-too-close brothers (one or both of which sound like a jerk(s) for telling their friend(s) something that's so personal and worrying to you) and seem more worried about whether or not you're gay instead of if people will find out you're gay.