Returning phase of POCD?

Hi all, let me start off by saying I have had what I think is POCD before when I was about 15/16 - I am now 18.

The last time it went away within about a week and between my spells I never ever think about children or double look at them or check for Gronial response but now I believe it's come back I do. I try to conjure images in my mind that no sane person should have to see if i become fully aroused and when I get the slightest twitch or gronial response I will become very upset. I also had a though this morning that it would be so easy to look up CP and was convinced that I was going to do it.

I know I would never actually do anything or hurt a child but I'll tell you what I think triggered this again. I coach a Football (soccer) team they are Under 13 age group so the majority of them Are 11 or 12 and yesterday morning after one of our matches I was trying to keep try the ball from one of our players and he pushed in infront of me and won it back and anyone that knows football knows if someone is shield the ball they push back towards you and he did this and rubbed against my groinal region, so I just went and sat down. It didn't arose me, nor did I like it, it Makes me very anxious and upset as does all accidental contact with children. Anyway, since the last time I've had this my "uncle" has been arrested for possessing CP ( I added the " " because I've met him less than 10 times and I've never really interacted with him and I've never ever been close to him at all) and he is really fat and a recluse. Anyway I've out on a bit of weight since I stopped playing sport and I fear I look like him now, I also 'scratch the same way he does and rub my face and my hair like him' according to me mother which just terrifies me even more.

I don't find children attractive at all, I had two girls played for my football team And they were attractive girls ( not in any sexual way) but you could tell they were going to grow up to be very good looking women and anyone would be able to see that, me thinking they were good looking made me think I must be a pedo.

Anyway if anyone can help please do, I hate this. OCD makes my life hell at times, just for the record I normally have extremely weird and irrational obsessions. Previously I have been terrified that nothing was really and it was all created in my mind, after watching insidious I believed that I was going to Astral Project and was terrified to go to sleep and then more common ones like fearing I was gay and a paedophile.

EDIT: I also forgot to add that I'm losing my sex drive, I used to wAtch porn around 2 maybe 3 times a day and now I'm not in the mood to at all. I can only really get aroused when being intimate with my girlfriend.

Hello David,

I had the same thought about watching CP (never watched it of course), I'm glad it's over now. It is very common to have this thought, many people with HOCD watch gay/lesbian porn to test their response. It's just another compulsion. I also had the urge to masturbate to sexual thoughts of children as a kind of testing.
And many people lose their sex drive when they have POCD or HOCD. That doesn't make them a pedophile or gay.
Are you seeing a therapist?

Hi.

I'm currently not seeing a therapist and yes I had them same urges you are talking about!