ROCD: Fear of liking someone else? I need help, please! :(

Hey guys...I really need some help.

So...I have ocd. I've been diagnosed with it for a year now. Compared to last year, my ocd is very low. I actually got to enjoy my Christmas and my 3 year anniversary with my boyfriend. I have had some obsessions but they aren't flat out awful like they used to be...well...until now.

So let's get right into it. I have a co worker that I'm gonna say his name is Matt. Matt is my brothers friend, and also my Co worker. He came to me for relationship advice before he left the state, and we talked here and there because I was always there for him. I used to fear that I would fall for him. Keep in mind, I am in love with my boyfriend of 3 years. I am moving in with him next month and I'm very excited. So, Matt left my job but came back a couple months ago. It was cool to have him back because I didn't mind working with him. We still talked once in a while and he's easy to make laugh, and I love making my Co workers laugh. I found out from my aunt, that my brother said to her that Matt asked my brother to invite me over since I always tell him I never hang with my brother. He then proceeded to ask how serious my boyfriend and I were. He seemed interested in me, but my brother said I'm very serious with my boyfriend. Matt said he didn't wanna screw up my relationship and wanted to stay friends. Prior to finding out this, I was scared of falling for this guy. I knew it was anxiety though, because I love my boyfriend and didn't wanna be with anyone and I fear constantly that I'm going to lose him somehow. So after I found that out, I freaked out. I started having the obsession thought that I liked Matt. I couldn't get it out of my mind for a long time, and it was bothering me. I had thoughts that I really liked him, that I would have went over to hangout, or if I were to break up with my boyfriend I would go date Matt and have a chance with him. I would spike and correct my thoughts because I didn't like the thought. Whenever I had romantic thoughts, it felt really real and it was making me believe that I liked him when all I wanted was the thought to be gone. And what scared me was when I could feel it like it was coming from my heart because I check to see how I would feel when I'd say it. This thought was obsessive and it made me feel really bad.

I had moments when I was able to dismiss the thought, and it made me happy. I officially got rid of the thought a week before Christmas, and I almost felt ocd free. I was happy, I was so in love. I could lay around and have a clear head. Christmas was great, my 3 year anniversary was amazing. We started to paint the house and I had so much fun with him. My head was clear. The thought would only be there when I was around Matt, but I was fine when I wasn't near him. I also went to the tattoo convention and had a blast , no anxiety at all. I was present the whole time. But then the doubt came back like I really liked Matt and I can't stop trying to figure out if my thoughts had feelings. And it's tearing me alive. I feel so guilty.

I just wanted Matt to be my friend. And I really don't wanna lose my boyfriend over my ocd. My therapist told me if I have to talk about this again and again we will. I need to trust my actions. My actions prove that I wanted to love my boyfriend and stay with him. To love him. To only feel for him. But my ocd told me I liked Matt and wanted to pursue a relationship with him. And I don't wanna think that I really meant everything I was thinking.

Can someone help me?

Congrats on moving into your new home.

We all notice people when we're in a long term relationship and that's normal. It's OK as long as you don't cheat or start lying to your significant other. You know if you love your boyfriend and I'm not going to give you any more reassurance on that front.

OCD tends to pick on what we value most, people we love, our moral integrity etc, from what I've experienced. It sounds like you're not the sort of person to cheat and we can never be 100% of the future.

Did anything external trigger the spike, or did the thoughts just pop up? Sometimes when I've had an obsession, it goes away for a bit and I feel much better, then it's almost as if it has to come back and really stick the boot in.

I've had similar relationship anxieties and I've been with my partner for 8 years.

Hey! Thank you SO much for responding. I'm currently laying in bed because I'm just so blah.

My ocd usually goes like this: I wake up feeling fine. It starts to be noticeable around 10am. 11 am I start getting anxious, 12pm I'm tired because I'm anxious. I get picked up at 2 pm and I feel ok and then up until 6pm (I'm with my bf then) I get very anxious and I could break down in tears. And I'm constantly trying to figure my thought out or correct my thought.

I feel like I've been through everything that rocd has to offer. For 11 months I feared I didn't wanna be with my boyfriend, then I was scared I cheated, was gay, and now this.

When this all was happening, the thought was obsessive and I did have romantic thoughts. But I always corrected my thoughts because I didn't want them and I felt bad. I also felt like my stomach drop, which I know can either A. Be butterflies or B. Anxiety. Sometimes I feel it's A or B. But I know that in my heart I didn't wanna leave my boyfriend to be with this guy. But my obsessiveness tells me otherwise. I do know that ocd can trick you into feeling things or make you believe things about yourself.
The only thing that makes me feel good is knowing I got rid of the thought and was able to live again. So even with the romantic thoughts, I was still able to say hey, this is my bf and I wanna be with him, and get over the thoughts. When they were gone, I was so happy. Which is the only thing giving me hope.

I just feel really sad and guilty.

You have nothing to feel sad and guilty about. OCD makes mountains out of molehills! All you did was have a male friend that you possibly noticed as an attractive member of the opposite sex.

If it helps, I struggle with stuff like this too. In fact, I've been going through a relationship thing for the last couple of days, but I worry that I don't love Mr Shark, which is nuts, because I do.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago that Mr Shark dumped me. I felt disgruntled the next day and started ruminating on what would happen to the house, how much I'd have to pay in bills if I was on my own and what size mortgage I would need for my own place and whether I could afford it.

Now, I feel so guilty that this was the focus of my worries. I was focusing on practical matters and not wondering whether I'd feel devastated. This has got me worrying that I don't love my fella enough (once again).

Neither of us have done anything wrong though!