Self Harm OCD

Hi all,

I'm relatively new to the forum and am struggling. I am hoping someone can help me out with some experience/insight.

I have had anxiety and OCD for as long as I can remember. These two things were under control until I decided to taper off of my meds (under supervision of course) a couple of years ago. Last year and the beginning of 2016 have been rough with anxiety/depression. I currently have been going through a down period for almost 4 months. I have had some issues with self harm OCD before but lately I am doubting myself again. Because it's been going on for so long, I've gotten somewhat down in the dumps and haven't been too positive about seeing a way out of it (even though I know it will eventually get better once my meds stabilize and I see my new psychiatrist). My old psychiatrist messed with my antidepressant so much in December/January that I'm still trying to stabilize on 40mg.

My question is this - I have thoughts of self harm/suicide but the thoughts don't even form into anything (i.e. a plan to do something, time frame, etc). All I need to do is think of suicide and it gets my anxiety up because it scares the crap out of me. While shoveling snow on Sunday I was stressed and anxious because of my feelings and I thought randomly to myself "I'm going to kill myself. I'm going to kill myself". This of course made me even more distressed. I searched the web for hours this morning to compare actual suicidal ideation vs. OCD to try and reassure myself that I wasn't actually suicidal. If I found something that said anxiety can cause harm OCD, I felt relieved. I don't have any plans to do anything to myself - honestly I think I would be too scared to. But the mere thought of having the thoughts scare me. And since I am in a depressed place, I think it makes it worse.

Can someone please shed some light/insight/stories on this? I'm really in need of some advice. I love my family and my life, I'm just in a dark place right now and I really am hoping that this is just some form of OCD that is manifesting itself because I'm vulnerable. It's hard to see the light right now...but I know it's there.

Thanks!
J

Hey there, jjtuck.

How do you know for sure you're not suicidal, may I ask? to me you're either suicidal or you're not, but then again you did link the intrusive thoughts with OCD. I believe there's others out there that are dealing with/have dealt with this themselves, doesn't matter what the situation is, chances are there's at least one or two people that have also been in the same place.

I have a question; I can only assume that you want these thoughts to go away, is that true?
Also: are you actively seeing a psychiatrist or any other professional/s? (as of lately)

Hey corgis,

I don't identify myself with being suicidal. Like I said, the thought of it gives me knots in my stomach and I'm afraid that it might be true, which I don't want it to be. The thought of suicide scares me, it doesn't give me any kind of pleasure or relief to think about. They are more of intrusive thoughts because of the state of my depression/anxiety. I've done a lot of research on Self Harm OCD and I identify with a lot of the symptoms. One of them is constantly seeking reassurance that you're not what you're fearing you are, which I guess is what I'm doing here. I hope this answers your first question.

To answer your other question - yes, I very much want the thoughts to go away. I am seeing a therapist and a new psychiatrist on Friday.

Thanks!
J

A lot of people would be quick to admit that perhaps they are suicidal, that it's more a problem than merely a temporary symptom, if you'd like. I'm glad you recognise it as otherwise. being suicidal is never fun, believe me, I've dealt with it on the daily since I was just 11-13 yrs old. you seem rather confident in your answer to that question, which is a great thing, if I'm honest. you'd expect "I think about dying/killing myself a lot, but it doesn't scare me, there's some kind of relief that comes with it" to come from the mouth of someone that truly is suicidal, but it can be hard to tell. point is: a lot of suicidal people have little to no hope, but that being said, I do believe that you know how you truly feel, so I'll take your word for it. just try to stay safe.

I actually just read another thread with the whole concept of being suspicious that you are what you fear you may possibly become. it's definitely not a good mindset to be stuck in.

Again, you're showing hope and desire to find yourself an antidote.

All in all, wishing you the very best of luck with that. I've been seeing my current psychiatrist for a few months now, but met my psychiatric nurse just the other day. It's not always too terrible, so I hope you achieve healthy connection with your new psychiatrist. Let me know how things go if you're comfortable with sharing your experience. until then, good luck!

Thank you corgis! I appreciate the feedback. Yes, the thoughts of any kind of harm bring about immense stress and fear. There's no relief in how I feel when these thoughts come about.

Does anyone else have any input/advice?

Thanks!
J