HOCD or am I gay?

Hello,

I don't really know how to start, so...yeah...I guess i'll give a short introduction first.

I'm a 19 year old guy, and for my whole life, i have been interested only in girls (i mean that i've only been attracted to girls). I remember the first time I had a crush on a girl, the first time that I had sexual thoughts about girls, etc...Whenever I thought about a relationship, or pictured my ideal partner, it has been (with) a girl.
Only, I have never had a girlfriend, and only kissed a few girls in my live, but that never really bothered me because I have a lot of friends who never had a girlfriend before, and I don't think that that is rare.

But there was one of these friends (who never had a girlfriend) of whom my friends and I sometimes 'thought' that he had little 'gay-characteristics'. It was not that he was acting in an extremely 'gay-way', but sometimes he had little characteristics. I said 'thought', because we weren't sure at all, we thought he might be gay, but we couldn't tell for sure because he also only had crushes on women (as far as we knew), and only kissed girls. Around november 2014, he came out of the closet, something my friends and I didn't find a problem, because there is nothing wrong with gay-people.

Not much after that happened, I started thinking to myself, something like: 'It's weird, he only kissed girls and had crushes/fell in love on/with girls (though he never had a girlfriend), but now he's gay. I also only kissed girls, had crushes/fell in love on/with women and never had a girlfriend before. Does that mean that I am gay?'

At first, I immediately told myself 'what the f*ck, no I'm not gay'. But a few days later, that question popped in my head again: 'Am I gay?'. I started asking myself that question every day at first, then every hour, then every moment. I then became very nervous whenever the question popped in my head. It became even worse when 'Am I gay?' turned into 'I am gay'. That sentence always came back, all the time, I couldn't get it out of my head. I started to become even more nervous, couldn't eat well for some days,...It became worse and worse. With every man that I saw on the street I asked myself the question 'Do I find him attractive?', later also the question 'Would I kiss him?'. I never really answered that last question, because I always started to 'panic' or became really nervous, etc. Strange thing is that it seemed that on the first question (Do I find him attractive), the answer was 'yes' almost every time, although it seemed that I wasn't saying that, but my mind. Even if it was an ugly, old, fat man the answer would be 'yes'. It made me crazy, I didn't understand what was happening to me, I always liked girls and suddenly all I could think of was that I am gay. I started to become afraid of it. That is the moment (I think it was around january 2015) that I googled 'afraid to be/become gay' and that I found out about HOCD. In some way, it made me feel relieved, because I thought I had found an answer. But the questions/ideas kept popping up in my head, I also started to feel less and less attracted to women, which made me even more nervous. After some googling, I found out that that also is one of the characteristics of HOCD. Still, it scared/scares me a lot.

For the past year, i've had ups and downs (but in general, i didn't feel happy, or even really motivated for all kinds of things). Sometimes the ideas came back in an extreme way and did I think/believe I was gay (and became very scared), other times I thought/believed that I was straight, but still always with these questions/ideas in mind. The thing that I sometimes think a man can be goodlooking really scares me. But when i'm feeling better and I picture my ideal partner, it always is a girl.

I just want to feel/look/talk about girls the way I used to do. Really, I remember talking about girls and looking at girls as one of the best things there was. I don't think that there is something wrong with gay-people, I just don't want to be it. That then makes me think that I might be in denial, which makes me think again that I am gay, which makes me afraid again, etc. It all makes me insane and unhappy.

Not sure if these things are important but:
- I don't know if I am susceptible for OCD in general, and I don't know if this is a form of OCD or just gullibility, but I remember that as a kid, I've had times that I turned the light of my bedroom on and off 3 times before I had a test. I thought that otherwise, if I didn't, my test would go bad.

- As a kid (around the age of 11), I've also been to a psychologist (I think it was a psychologist, i'm not sure though), because I used to vomit whenever I had a test, because of the amount of stress I had for these tests. I had that much stress, because my teacher had said that if you didn't pass on the tests, there might be the possibility that you had to do your year over again


Thanks for reading this, I hope someone can help. And sorry for my bad english, it's not my first language...

This sounds like OCD, not homosexuality.
It's a common thing for people with sexual orientation OCD to feel like they are losing interest in the opposite gender. The thoughts popping up saying you find another man attractive are normal in HOCD, too.

It sounds like you have HOCD buddy. Stay strong, you will get better.

Alright so first off, dont worry about anything that has to do with your friend. He knew what he was doing. He was pretending to be straight on purpose. Thats what being in the closet is. He knew he was gay but talked about girls to cover it up. So dont worry about that. Second, could very well be OCD. We cant say here for sure but if its been an ongoing problem then go to a therapist. It helps like you wouldnt believe. If youve always been attracted to girls and never guys, youre straight, Bottom line. Its just a matter of overcoming OCD or whatever it is internally thats bothering you. Just relax man, you'll get better in time

Well but I'm very scared that I am doing that as well now, i mean, when I talk with my friends about girls I do sometimes think 'dude, you are gay,...', however I also do think that that might be the 'HOCD'? I then think those 2 things at the same time. The thing is, I can still look at a girl and think 'damn', but it doesn't really 'do' anyhting to me anyomore...
I'm scared that I am 'in the closet' as well, without really knowing, but I really don't want to be. I just want everything to be as it used to be.

And, whenever somebody talks about 'gay-people', I become very uncomfortable. Like I don't know how to react, and when I don't have to react, I simply don't, like I try to pretend not to have heard the sentence or question or whatever they were talking about.

I also constantly think that other people think I'm gay. Nobody ever told me that they or someone thought that I am gay, but I just think that they are thinking that. Even people on the street, people I don't know, who look look at me when I just walk passed them for example, I always think that they think 'he is gay'. Or when I've had a conversation with people, I also check on how I talk, like how my speech sounds, what sentences/words I use,...

I forgot to say all of that in my first post.

Thanks for the answers and help.

Please, if anyone could help me or could tell me what to do, please tell me...

Thanks everyone!

brianm1 wrote:Please, if anyone could help me or could tell me what to do, please tell me...

Thanks everyone!

Easy.

1. Stop believing your thoughts. You can. Thoughts will pop-up in your mind, just ignore them.
Be calm and look at this like at a PERIOD in your life. Do what people suggest you to do and HOPE (this is very important).

2. Start loving yourself. Look at your personality. Look at yourself in mirror. You're the closest person to yourself, you are the person who have your dreams, you are the person you want to be now and who you'd want to be later. You are YOUR ideal, so LOVE yourself. (this is referred to everyone)

3. Find a psychotherapist, if you didn't find yet. This is very important. The therapist will prescribe you necessary treatment and will lead you in the correct direction. He (or she) will help you solve your inner problems.

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! This is just an illness, like gastritis, or flu, or diarrhea, and should be treated so! But this illness is affecting your BRAIN. It is distorting your vision on the world!
The world is not BAD or GOOD, the ultimate truth is impartial! You create the world that you live in, by developing a perception of it.
BE STRONG! You CAN be happy! And if you WANT to be happy, you WILL be. That's it.