blasphemy OCD

Hi,

Doing things in a particular order feels very wrong. For example: While i am writing this i have received a letter.
It's a very huge bill that i can't pay. So it's a very negative message that makes me
feel negative. so the thought that i get then is that doing something else (i was planning to do) with this negative feeling will result in a negative outcome. So still typing here feels wrong. Besides this, it's like i am ignoring a message from a higher being.
It feels like i am assaulting and disrecpecting God. This makes me feel tense and guilty all the time.
Btw i am not religious. But i do believe in God.

The story above actually went as follows :

When i was typing the example above, I really did receive a letter which i thought it must be a bill.
I saw it was nothing important when i opened the letter later that day.
So i could not send the message. Decided to wait untill the next day. With the thought that this event still might have a meaning and purpose.

The next day i 've prepared myself. Convinced myself that i know i've created this whole mind- puzzle and i am able to fix it.(btw i recently know about OCD). Right at the moment i was ready to start with an important task (i have postponed for years now),i really received a bill. From somewhere i havent even expected.

At that point it really becomes messy in my head. I leave the task and spend the day thinking what i did wrong (like which ritual i have skipped). Did this happen because i felt so good this morning, like, was it a punishment because i ignored a sign and became careless? asking this kind of questions the whole day f#$ks my mind up. I just can't answer this questions, i simply dont know the answers. I mostly get angry that this coincedences have to happen. It just makes
it hard to fix this disorder. And anger also keeps changing to guilt. Guilt, because of the reason i feel i might have been angry to God for no reason.

I dont know what to do, so i do nothing. All day long sitting and thinking. Exhausted from this self-creted-mindf#*ck-game.
Doing this for two years now.
Does anyone here recognize something similar?

good luck to all,

After reading my own story, i realise that i am searching for corfirmation. Corfirmation that i am doing the right thing. If i make the wrong choice/ dont follow the path like i am supposed to do, it will have catastrophic consequences. This thought actually could be handy if u look at it on a rational way. The problem is that i use it very irrational. I link events on a illogical way. Searching for confirmation by listening to my feeling at that moment, searching for any message in a song, on a writing, seeing a particular number et. etc.

The trick is so be mindfull at that moment, i guess. Recognise if its a OCD thought and ignore it. The tricky thing is that most times ignoring feels something like blasphemy. Like im being selfish by ignoring this thoughts and messages, being careless and choosing the easy way.
Have to work on the last one. Find out where and why i have created this way of thinking.

I dont know if someone understands what im saying with my poor English.. Still.. It looks like i make a little progress by writing and reading. Actually it was already a big step forward by knowing more about OCD .. I had no idea what OCD was untill few months ago. So thank you all for sharing your
story.

Peace,