Rocd or not?

hi. this is about Rocd, and i will try to explain what is going on inside me at the moment. i have not been diagnosed with rocd..

when I was 16 (im 23 now) I met a boy that became my boyfriend and my first in everything. we were together for 1,5 years, then he dumped me and i was absolutely broken. i really loved this guy. 1,5 years later, he took me back, and everything was good.

in april 2014 i was diagnosed with depression, which really took a toll on my relationship. i had so much doubt about it, and eventually i lost my feelings because of the medicine. or at least i think so. in january 2015 we broke up, and surprisingly i was happy about it. i dropped out of the medicine and i felt good at that time. i spended 6 months doing exactly what i wanted, had sex with different guys (sorry if i sound like a whore now, but i felt like i had a lot of catching up to do). after 6 months as single, i starting talking to my ex boyfriend again, and it just felt so natural, for 2-3 weeks we were so happy and in love (i think so?) but then the doubting started again. i doubted EVERYTHING. did i love him, did i have feelings for him, was he attracting enough, his height worried me (he is 7 cm taller than me), his personality worried me. i started comparing him to everyone, compared our relationship to everyone elses. i felt like i had to know how long people had been in relationships with eachother, at what age they met and how many partners they have had. i had a lot of anxiety and i cried every day, i couldnt function normally for a long time.

then 4 months ago i changed. i dont really have anxiety anymore. i still cry sometimes, but not as much as before. i still obsess about things, but its only his appearance and my love for him, and whether i want to have other partners during my life. the future is scaring me. it is not questions in my head anymore. i really just get a feeling and a thought that says ''i really dont love him, maybe i stopped loving him a long time ago''. and when i get that thought, i just feel almost nothing. i still compare us to others, compare him to others and i cant watch movies about love, i am afraid to go out with my friends, because i am scared that i am going to think ''i would rather be single'', when i get drunk (this has happended, and i felt SO bad the day after). i check to see if i can find any feelings for him, i look at pictures, or pictures him in my head to see how i feel. when he sends me a cute text message, or says something cute to me i just feel a little annoyed, and then filled with guilt because i dont feel the same way.

we are currently moving in together (i really wanted that 3 weeks ago) and it is making my obsessing a lot worse.. the thoughts are there most of the time, but they dont really create any anxiety. just a nagging feeling.

i seem perfectly happy on the outside, but i spend a lot of time reading online, seeking for answers.

one thing that hasnt changed throughout these last 5-6 months is that i really dont want to leave him, i want to feel the love and i want to live in a happy and loving relationship with him. but i am afraid that deep down, i really dont want to. and that makes me sad.

but am i settling????

i guess my question is, can rocd make you feel that you truly do not love your partner? that you are just staying because you ''have to''? i hope that what i am experiencing is rocd, and not my true feelings.

one moment i feel fine and happy, but then this thought ''i dont love him'' pops up, and the obsessing begins...

sorry for the long post.



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Anyone? It would really Help me..

Dear Anonymous02:

I think that you are afraid, afraid to be stuck with him, afraid of what will be and what will not be, just scared. The fear attaches itself to this or that thought, is my experience, first the fear, then this or that thought, but it is fear. Did you tell him about your fears, any fear about the relationship with him (or relationship with any guy)? That might help.

atina