HOCD or am I just in denial

I'm a 21 year old male. I used to watch porn a few times a day until about a week ago where I noticed I sometimes couldn't get aroused. That's when I started to worry that I might be gay. My libido came back a few days later but after a lot of agonizing thoughts. It was fine for awhile, then I saw a photo on instagram of someone I know not wearing a shirt and posing about his gains, I started to get anxiety after seeing that.

A few days after that, I keep having that image flash in my mind and I would get anxious every time that image comes up. Every time I felt like I am attracted to guys I would open porn with women to check if I would get aroused. Sometimes it would work, sometimes it wouldn't. I would also look around when I go out and see if I would be attracted by anyone in my surroundings.

Last night, I decided to face my fear and open abit of gay porn to judge my reaction. There was no arousal or erection but my heart started to beat real fast as usual, I could also feel the area between my balls and my taint tingling whenever gay images flash in my mind. Man that was a big mistake, I couldn't sleep at all last night because I kept sub consciously think about gay images and I went into a panic attack the whole night til day. On and off falling asleep with an erratic heart rate. I would not get erect but I had the same feeling as trying to hold on to pee(if that makes sense).

I need help I am really terrified. A bit of background, in the past I may have thought of one or two guys being good looking, but I had crushes on 3 different girls and dated one.

Hey there!

Short version.,..

Doubt you're gay....

Groinal tingling means nothing. That could be anxiety or excitement of a non-sexual nature. If I'm working on a machine that could take my hand off, and I stick my hand where it shouldn't go, I've noticed the exact same sensation. Doesn't have to be sexual.

Best thing is to stop checking...

Empirical evidence suggests you're straight.

OCD isn't going to go away, just because I offer some reassurance.....

Expect the doubts to continue. OCD is very stubborn. My strategy is usually to choose a stance, and stand by it no matter how I feel. I'm not gay. I often feel I am but I know better. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it...

With practice not allowing yourself to dwell on it, care about it, be frightened by it, it will get easier to deal with the thoughts. It's a simple strategy, but very hard to start doing. But don't expect these thoughts to just disappear. They may persist, but that doesn't make them true hon.

Thank you for the reassurance, it's just that I never felt such fear in a long time...

I know. And OCD eats it up like a beagle scarfing puppy chow.

The biggest trap is seeking reassurance... from me, or anyone. Yes, I can't help it, I WANT to reassure... and I give it the old college try from time to time. But OCD, when ppl are really bad in its grip, twists every thing I write, until I'm beside myself. So... I've gotten to where I just tell it straight. You have to decide you're not gay. Period.

And stick to it. because those intrusive thoughts are probably not going anywhere.

I've had harm OCD intrusive thoughts about killing myself, pets, loved ones, for forty years. Those thoughts, are not going anywhere. I have, learned to not let them bother me, much. Accidental harm is another matter, I'll drive back several miles, hating myself the whole time, to make sure that bump wasn't a person (it never is, imagine that). But murder? I had to learn not to let those thoughts bother me. It gets freaking old, after a while, thinking you're going to kill the person laying next to you in bed. I can write this, now, and admit it, because I just decided I didn't care anymore. I don't care. I'll worry about it, when I wake up in a pool of someone else's blood. Until then, screw it. Best two words for OCD. (rhymes with DUCK) It. I think I'm gay, all the time. And I am. But I'm also straight. I'm bisexual, in fact. but I get my own little version of HOCD... oh I'm gay, I'm gay, I'll never be happy with a girl... all I have to do, is watch my favorite burlesque Youtubes, or an old movie with Jayne Mansfield, or just remember, hey, what do I check out at (the mall, Walmart, etc.). Oh. Yeah. I check out girls. Granted, I occasionally check out the dudes, but what do I INSTINCTIVELY look at? Nenas. every time. That doesn't sound very gay to me. Besides I've taken every sex test out there, and I'm always smack dab in the middle. Those are FACTS. Not how I feel. Not second-guessing. Not testing- because even if I were NOT Bi?*** Looking at porn, any kind of porn, is going to produce a response. Sex is sex is sex, and there are plenty of straight guys out there, who look at gay porn, because they've burnt themselves out on the 'regular' stuff. And you can condition yourself to a style of porn. One day.. I'm going to test that theory, and masturbate to nothing but photos of giraffes. because I want to prove, I can generate a Pavlovian-style response to giraffes on a computer monitor.

So you mustn't 'test', and don't worry about groinal responses. Ever time I hear the words, 'groinal response', it sounds like fingernails on a blackboard. Screw the groinal response. Extreme anxiety, such as putting my hand where it doesn't belong, in something that can remove it in an instant, makes exactly the same feeling in the same place you described. And sex has nothing to do with it.

And OCD will stop at nothing, to get what it wants. It needs fear, loves it, bathes in it, dresses up in it, wraps itself luxuriantly in wonderful anxiety. It will make you think you're gay, any way it can. It will even let you get satisfied it's gone away... oh no, it hasn't, sweets. It's waiting. To catch you off balance, with an out-of-the-blue thought, that brings false peace crashing down, once again. It's really good at that.

And so... reassurance, doesn't fly in the long run. Nope, for myself, what works is just as simple as a decision. I'm not killing anyone. I'm not gay. I didn't leave the car window down. I didn't, I'm not, and I don't care, and so what? and those thoughts can go screw themselves, and hang the consequences, show me where I am/have done/am doing what is trying to scare me, and then I'll be scared. Until then, I can't be bothered with idiotic thoughts that I don't even want to have, so I'm going to ignore them, like any brat, they'll get bored and leave me alone for a while.

(*** and how do I know I'm Bi, and the folks with HOCD aren't in denial? Well, you might be, hon, but I never had an intrusive thought OMG what if I'm Gay? what if I've the hots for another guy? I did have the hots, and I liked it, and it felt natural, and I didn't get scared by it, I wanted more of it. I tortured myself for having the thought, ofc, because you're not supposed to be gay, at least, in 1977 you weren't- which is something else entirely, although OCD will twist this paragraph to mimic the same thing)