HOCD or "I can't (I WONT) accept my homosexual feelings"?

jdd wrote:Well yeah that's the basic premise of the fear. But don't gay people worry about that too?

What do you mean bu that? I don't quite understand.

jdd wrote:( game development would be nice but it's currently a pipe dream)

Wow, I like game development too! =)
But do you know that you need a team to make a good game?
I'd like to go into game development, but it seems to me not very important. I want to be useful to the society and engineering seems pretty interesting to me. My main desire is to be an INVENTOR! (:D stupid right?)

jdd wrote:Don't judge and tell me I need to get out more because I know that and was trying to before this took over my life.

I don't judge you. I never judged you before, I just expressed my opinions. Sorry if you take it like that. I don't have any right to judge you.

I really like your dreams! And don't give up on game development It's a pretty cool industry!

P.S. I'm just after a 30 minute meditation and I feel pretty damn FRESH and satisfied
Also I feel like I managed to control my body temperature, and to control my blood flow (I'm not 100% sure, but I felt some changes)
It is possible to control your Autonomous Nervous System (ANS), for example your Breath (lungs).
Lungs are like the bridge from ANS to SNS (Somatic Nervous System), because you can still control your respiration, but when you don't think about respiration ANS takes care of that. So by developing a feeling of control over ANS through Breathing, you can develop a feeling of control over other mechanisms in your body. (like blood flow, temperature, heart-rate, digestion)
It's all about concentration and patience.

I don't believe that I can control objects with my mind , I'm not that naive.
But I believe that my brain is the CENTER of all my body, and I believe that I can find a way to control it, if I try. Because my consciousness "lives" in the same place as ANS. Why shouldn't I be able to affect ANS somehow? =)

I mean it is literally the driving fear that you and possibly I have. But everyone is different therefore you can't and shouldn't compare others symptoms because that doesn't help you in the long run.

I have some progress. I started to accept my feelings. I do not accept that I am gay. But I accept all my feelings, all groinal responses. I just don't give them any meaning, I say "it's OCD", I just convinced myself so. I will stop resisting my feelings, I wanna see where it would lead.
There are two possible outcomes:

• My unwanted (but accepted) feelings will become stronger.

• My unwanted (but accepted) feelings will disappear. (because I accepted them, and there is nothing to trigger them anymore.)

Don't get me wrong, I still don't want to be gay. It is just a stupid "principle" that "I don't accept myself as gay", that's it. (and yes I'm stubborn)
I just want to find out what are my true feelings. Because chances are that I am straight, and I really want get rid of HOCD. Because if I'm straight, I want to become "normal" ASAP.

If I will find out that I am gay, then this is "the end". I will be disappointed in life, I will claim myself as Asexual, and I will practice meditation and abstinence. Easy!

P.S. I'm an engineer in blood, I always find a satisfying way!

Right. And my therapist has said a few times " nobody wants to be gay"

Hey, jdd. Here's a video about Ego Syntonic and Ego Dystonic thoughts. You may find it interesting.
(it's not about homosexuality, or any sexuality)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoJuvH8lsQA

Hey Ive been struggling with this stuff for the last 4 months like crazy so hope you don't mind if I join in. My symptoms are identical to yours so don't want to reiterate. I actually got HOCD in 2007, went on anti depressants and they worked perfectly. I was symptom free. I came off meds in 2013 and then I got other forms of OCD like religious ocd, food ocd etc. To cut a long story short,, when my other ocds diminished by themselves, my brain reverted back to HOCD in Oct 2015. So I'm struggling like mad with it now. I don't wanna take meds because of all the side effects but Im gonna have to I guess. I gave up my job as I had just qualified and couldn't deal with all this crap and now Im having 6 months off to try and relax my brain. Its been week one and Ive literally been going through every search page on HOCD in google.

You guys seem to have covered the main ones. Ill post as I go, as I just can't be bothered with writing all my ocd obsessions.

http://www.ocdbaltimore.com/hocd-sexual ... esponse-2/

Also I have decided to take up CBT for the next few months, if I can last that long as I am borderline being hospitalised.

I did a Skype session with OCDLA and with Fred Penzel . I need to quicken up on the sessions but if you want I can tell you word for word about each cbt session so you can follow too.

Like you say, I don't wanna admit being gay and want it to be OCD. But this is so damn tiring. I would think suicidal is a better way to describe the feeling.

Hello, thanks for the reply!

Justin23459 wrote:I did a Skype session with OCDLA and with Fred Penzel . I need to quicken up on the sessions but if you want I can tell you word for word about each cbt session so you can follow too.

I'm not so sure... =\
One part of me is very curious about this sessions, I don't even know what people do at this sessions.
But another part of me is telling me that retelling "word for word" would be just a waste of time, because people are different, and if there was an universal CBT for all HOCD'ers, there wouldn't be necessity for individual therapy.
I just don't want you to waste your time and effort telling everything "word for word".
But it would be nice if you could describe what are you doing at this sessions and what elements were most helpful to you, and also I'd like to know what is the main goal (main idea) of CBT related to HOCD (of course).

I have been reading around the subject of OCD which seems to be helping me a bit. Previously I was just focusing on googling HOCD and reading every article, even though it was googling HOCD that made me aware of these articles. I downloaded a book called the Imp of the Mind by Lee Beah and also watched the youtube series on OCD: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51wGc_hFOUc and they both seem very helpful in helping me understand my thoughts. Im guessing this is what CBT is about. Understanding the behaviour behind the thoughts. Im not in a great place at the moment as Ive quit my job because of OCD and have been struggling with this for 10 years, albeit different themes. But HOCD has now hit me twice, both devastatingly. The first time I had it, I got on meds, which pretty much solved the problem. But this time round I didn't want to go back on meds. I preferred other options like suicide if Im honest but thats another story.

I don't think it's helpful or wise to paste your sessions. Might also be frowned upon by your therapist since that's giving away free sessions to others? Plus each person has different symptoms and everyone's hocd is different because nobody is alike. If you're that suicidal you should seek help though.