HOCD or "I can't (I WONT) accept my homosexual feelings"?

Helo, I'm 19 years old guy. You all say "Stop worrying, because you're not gay.".
But this doesn't help...
I feel anxiety because I lost my interest in girls, this really bothers me.
I feel that warm, sick feeling in my chest, in heart area, like I have eaten something wrong...
And I also gained strange attraction/admiration-like feelings towards guys, which I never had until my first spike hit me.

It was at night, when I was trying to fall asleep and my powerful imagination walked in. I started to see a scene of me trying to kiss my classmate friend... I shrieked into embryo pose and started being very anxious! I started thinking "THIS IS A GLOBAL TRAGEDY! IT AFFECTS ALL MY LIFE, NOT JUST THIS MOMENT!", and I started thinking about suicide.
I also don't have any ocd stuff, like hand washing, counting numbers etc...
For a time I thought I could be schizophrenic, and I was really anxious about it, same as with homosexual anxiety I think, and I also was thinking about suicide, because I didn't wanted to live if i couldn't be sane. (my mom has some kind of schizophrenia, but she's fine now)
I AM VERY AFRAID THAT I COULD BE GAY IN DENIAL! VERY VERY MUCH!
I AM LESS AFRAID OF DEATH THAN OF THIS!
Why I didn't realize that I am gay in my childhood?
Why didn't I love only guys from the beginning, so I could be prepared to this by now?

I had some homosexual games with my cousin, he's 4 years older than me, I was 9-13 y.o. and he was 12-16 y.o. (i'm not sure about our ages). I didn't like those games, he initiated them, and he always asked me if I want to stop, and I said that "YES", but I didn't cry or smth., I thought it was some kind of a WEIRD GAME, I was smiling like an idiot, but I didn't liked it...

I feel much anxious when I try to find a girl that I like have pleasant burning-chest love feelings for, and I can't...
Also I get more anxious around any guy! Like I feel that I have weird feelings to ALL guys, I'm afraid of that.
Those are attraction/admiration-like feelings BUT I DON'T LIKE THEM! ARGH!!! WHY!!!!
When I think of kissing or having sex with a guy, I feel some strange arousal-like impulses in my penile nerve on my dick head, not in my scrotum. (I'm really sorry for the details)
I have this impulses when I am anxious, but they don't make my penis arouse, they just feel like some electro-chemical pulsations.
Also when I watch naked girls pics on internet, I get aroused (penis inflation), but I don't get those impulses, it just rises.

I was thinking all my life that I was straight, now everything goes down the hill... I feel like I don't wan't to live anymore... just not gay... I'm afraid to become it myself, not how people would perceive me.

I don't want to overcome this fear, I don't want find out that I'm gay!

Also I don't want to suicide, because I love my mom too much and I feel that would've kill her... maybe not in direct sense, but her soul would die completely, because I'm her only child and she can't get another one.

I was on my first session with a psychotherapist, he was just listening to my story, he didn't say anything that eased my situation, he prescribed me some antidepressants Rexetin (Paroxetine compound, Paxil in USA), and he said me to take it for a month, 1/4 first 10 days, 1/2 next 10 days, and 1 for the rest of the time. (in the morning, because I was feeling sick in the morning)
Then he said that we should meet after a month again. Is it normal? I mean... Just pills?
He also asked me to think about if I want to continue our meetings, he said that I can answer later.
How do you think, should I?

I am on my second day on Paroxetine (1/4)

st4s1k wrote:I was on my first session with a psychotherapist, he was just listening to my story, he didn't say anything that eased my situation, he prescribed me some antidepressants Rexetin (Paroxetine compound, Paxil in USA), and he said me to take it for a month, 1/4 first 10 days, 1/2 next 10 days, and 1 for the rest of the time. (in the morning, because I was feeling sick in the morning)
Then he said that we should meet after a month again. Is it normal? I mean... Just pills?
He also asked me to think about if I want to continue our meetings, he said that I can answer later.
How do you think, should I?

I am on my second day on Paroxetine (1/4)

Yes, it is relatively normal. He is trying to reduce the anxiety with the Paxil (that is what I take). I assume he wanted to see how the meds worked first before moving on to something else. Here in the stats, psychiatrists tend to deal with meds. Psychologists deal with other methods of support.

So.. I guess no one can relate to this

Sorry no one else responded but here goes. I can relate in the sense that Schizophrenia and being gay were my two biggest obsessions so far as well. ive had others, but they were longer ago so i cant remember the severity, but the ones i can remember weren't as long. But heres the gist, you cant force yourself to have feelings for girls, but if youve had them before then youve got nothing to worry about. When you picture your ideal partner, if its a girl, then youre straight. End of story. Dont picture yourself with how you would react to being with a guy, it will just give you anxiety, its a compulsion and its possible if you do this long enough, you wont feel much of anything which will make you worry even more. This is all easier said than done, because i have an extremely hard time following the advice ive given you, which is why i still suffer.

Yes, rationally, and my soul would be calm and satisfied, if my partner was a girl, I'd give her all my love and I'd treat her manly. But that's all in theory, you know... I guess you're right. Last night I was trying to accept myself as gay, telling myself "yes I'm gay, that's it, I'm gay, stop worrying!", and I just got my heart beating harder than usual and couldn't fall asleep until 6 am. I wonder if a gay would worry about accepting himself gay. Or gays only worry about his acceptance in society? I really don't care about society right now, I'm kind of asocial, while my colleagues are going outside, socializing and so on. I'm on NoFap and NoPorn right know for a month, let's see how it'll change. Also I'm trying to react much more calm to other guys, just stop doubting and accept feelings towards them, and I noticed that I have no feelings of arousal towards men, just anxiety, doubt, and low self-esteem relative to them (perceiving them as dominant).

I also doubt if my past 5 crushes (all rejected) were real, I'm not sure if it was an obsession or "real" love. (not speaking about the true philosophical meaning of love)
I just... I don't know... I didn't masturbate at them at all
Also, in puberty period, I didn't masturbate at my classmate girls, or other girls of my age. At that time I was already all into porn, I could masturbate 2-3 times a day, my porn tastes were changing.
Actually when I watched straight porn, I observed that the presence of a penis in the video is disturbing me, I started worrying about male penises and switched to lesbian porn.
(i wish you guys don't get disturbed with my details, I guess we all know what porn is and can take it relatively serious for a while)
My porn evolution:
amateur -> lesbian -> flash porn-games -> incest comics <-stuck_here-> milf
Actually milf and incest correlate one with another, because it's NOT the idea of my mother that arouses me, it's the idea of a teenage boy having sex with a mature woman.
But now I doubt everything... I try to remember what did I feel in the past, I try to remember:
"Do I really felt love, or I just convinced myself that it was love?"
"Did I really get aroused by porn or it was just manual stimulation that was arousing me?"
My feelings of being "gay in denial" feel SO REAL!! I feel like I know that I'm in denial, but I just don't want to accept it!! I don't know... Maybe I'm fooling myself... But time will show.
When I think about all that "gay" theme, my life feels different, feels darker, feels more serious, I feel like something bad gonna happen, or is happening.
Well... Good luck to you all! I truly wish you all get better...

Dear st4s1k:

I am so sorry you are experiencing all this fear, all this turmoil, all those thoughts...

I had OCD since I was five or six and am now fifty five. I suffered a lot from anxiety my whole life, severe OCD including compulsions, torture.

I took psychiatric drugs for many years. Finally managed to get off all those two years ago and handled my anxiety using the skills I learned in psychotherapy which I started five years ago.

I am not anxiety free now, but it way, way better. Way better.

So there is hope for you, only I hope in your case, things will get way better sooner than it has been for me.

* I am female, so maybe this is why I didn't obsess on being gay. But I had plenty, oh so plenty to occupy me otherwise!

atina

Thank you for your response, Atina, I appreciate this.

You are welcome!
atina

dude i am in the same boat as you when it comes to the masturbation. I never jacked it to thoughts of girls my age or pictures on facebook. When i heard of guys who did i thought "why? theres porn" but dont worry. The general trend is that it is in fact girls so youre good on that front. People say that porn isnt a good indicator of orientation, and that may be so. But there is no denying trends. Take it easy man, me and you are similar and i see alot of how i felt not long ago in your posts. Youll get reassured on certain aspects, but others will pop up. For example, when this started i worried if the fact that i lost an erection with my girlfriend meant i was gay, i thought about it endlessly, decided that it probably didnt. Now im worried that the fact that i will notice good looking or well dressed dudes in public means that im gay. Its a cycle, and its just a matter of breaking it.