HOCD or "I can't (I WONT) accept my homosexual feelings"?

jdd wrote:Thanks for the spike. I never said that mine wasn't irrational. Getting rid of the doubts has always been my main goal and you are putting words in my mouth now. That is what makes me more happy hence the reason to live for it. The depression would have existed long before the doubts started, but it didn't if you're going to throw that accusation. Also I go through periods where I doubt I even have ocd which is why it makes the obsession even more complicated.

I had some fears about harm coming to my mother when I was younger. And I also had the monster fears too. Plus cancer fears, heart attack fears, etc.

I'm really sorry for the spike. What triggered your spike? And how do I put words into your mouth?
I don't intend to do so... I am just asking. =\
How can you doubt that you have OCD, if you had all this fears? I guess you underestimate yout OCD.
I guess we both have OCD, and we both doubt that we have OCD Am I right?
If not, just tell me, I don't want to put words in your mouth.

You questioning if I even have hocd. And by suggesting thar line meant something else. Ocd is complicated, logically I know I have it. But it's a doubting disorder. And it's not uncommon to doubt you have it. Dealing with knowing I have it for a year and even longer untreated doesn't help. Plus trying to manage school work it becomes more difficult to stay focused.

jdd wrote:You questioning if I even have hocd.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.
I thought that you doubt that you have HOCD, it's my fault. I just wanted to give you a new perspective, and make you believe that you may have HOCD.

I'm sure that you have HOCD. Gays don't have crushes on girls and gays KNOW that they are gay.
You are not gay because you still doubt. I'M 100% SURE.
Internalized homophobia is when you KNOW that you are gay, but you try to suppress your feelings.
But you DOUBT your feelings, you don't KNOW that you're gay. It means that you're not gay!

You have to rewire your brain. You have get used to look at all men without any doubt. It's like jumping of a cliff. If you think too much, you will not jump, you just have to step without thinking. You have to learn to not fear other men and to not mystify them. When you see a man, you already should know that you will doubt. You have to PREDICT your doubts and get ready to stop thinking, just let your thoughts diffuse as they appeared. Imagine that all men are your friends, stop fearing them.
And God damn, please! Try meditating! Controlling your thoughts is very important with OCD!
Meditation is not some stupid ritual, or magic, meditation is training of your consciousness.
With meditation you get rid of Anxiety, Depression, Stress, you become calm and mindful, and you think in the present, not in the past or future.

I don't impose you to follow my advice, but I share it with you, because it helped me. I really don't want to say that I "care" about you, because it sounds gay. But I like to help people, really. In games I always play for supports and I do it very well. I don't really like to be support, because they are underestimated, but I feel like I'm naturally predisposed to help people.

-- Tue Jan 26, 2016 3:05 am --

It is hard to go through this alone, I know this, this is why I try to help, because I also don't want to go through this alone. All HOCD sufferers should support and encourage each-other, because if you go through this hell alone, you may give up on trying to get better, because there is nobody to tell you that it is something wrong with you, and you start to believe in your obsessions.
This $hit can last for AGES, you have to fight and kill the beast!

One year is not so much, I'd like to say. You may find someday that all your life is gone in trash bin. Start doing something. I really don't care so much for you, but for all those years that you waste in vain because of HOCD, it feels disappointing that you waste your life. I have this thing only about 5-7 years. And I don't want to have it anymore, I want to get out of this $hit, because I know, that I DON'T LIVE MY LIFE.

I also have the groinal response type which makes it more difficult to disprove the doubts.

Internalized is typically only for someone who has cognitively known their whole life but just doesn't want to be for sake of others or religion etc. Not just a random thought that popped up one day. Internalized is also not an official diagnosis just like hocd.

Idk I've had a difficult time convincing a bi person and a gay person that I'm not hocd and yet the doubt remains.

jdd wrote:Idk I've had a difficult time convincing a bi person and a gay person that I'm not hocd and yet the doubt remains.

Surely it remains, because it's IRRATIONAL
You can get rid of doubts easily if they are rational, you just get an argument and stick to it, but OCD is not so simple

-- Tue Jan 26, 2016 3:43 am --

Wow, I'm already "Consumer 5", I start perceiving it like a game LEVEL UP!

-- Tue Jan 26, 2016 3:44 am --

omg, I'm gonna miss this forum when I'll get cured! =) maybe I'll still visit it to encourage others

Yes and the thing is, I would not be sad or disappointed if I only have sex with women. But I would be if I couldn't at all.

I hear people saying they try accepting it but they can't or it doesn't help/work but what does that mean for most people? I've tried to accept it I think but I'm not trying to actually go out and be that if that's what is meant.

jdd wrote:I would not be sad or disappointed if I only have sex with women. But I would be if I couldn't at all.

That's also what I am talking about. I'm not as much worried about being gay as about not having "enough" feelings towards women.
But how do I define "enough"?
And how do I know how much "enough" is?

jdd wrote:I hear people saying they try accepting it but they can't or it doesn't help/work but what does that mean for most people? I've tried to accept it I think but I'm not trying to actually go out and be that if that's what is meant.

Yeah, I feel that subconsciously I don't fully allow myself to accept it. But should a normal straight person be able to accept that he is gay? I mean. I feel that we decide at some point in life "what to like and what to dislike", it's a continuous life-process of picking a side. But I still think that it is possible to have a world where nobody dislikes anything, maybe just accepts with calm soul things that he doesn't LIKE, but it doesn't mean that he should DISLIKE those things. Don't you think?
P.S. I don't say homosexuality is a choice, I talk about Likes and Dislikes.


Can I ask you again something? (you shouldn't answer if NO)

What are your dreams, desires in life?

What do you like to do? What are your interests, preferable occupations, maybe hobby?
Shortly, what do you LIKE?

Well yeah that's the basic premise of the fear. But don't gay people worry about that too?

To have a good job in the computer printing industry ( game development would be nice but it's currently a pipe dream), wife, house, maybe a kid and pets otherwise I'm not thinking too much about. Obviously computers are one of my main hobbies. Don't judge and tell me I need to get out more because I know that and was trying to before this took over my life.