Does this sound like OCD???

It all started off when I was about 10 years old when I always kept on checking a chicken coup lock over and over again to make sure it was locked so the chickens wouldn't some how nudge and run away, and this was the only thing when I was younger other than me constantly checking my Nintendo DS over and over again to make sure I turned it off.

I also used to shove my door repeatedly and checked my alarm clock a lot before I could go to sleep. But, somehow I'm worried as to why I don't do that anymore and I would try to replicate the anxiety I once had for it just to validate that that anxiety was real.

But I as I was getting older the anxiety started spreading things like I wondered if I was gay, although I was never sexually attracted to a guy in my life. I told people that I was bi but I still didn't feel an attraction to guys.

So on and so forth, I also have to be 100% factually correct about everything I say (Like when I'm talking to somebody about somebody else or writing an essay about something.) I will begin to feel extremely guilty and feel like a total liar if I don't know everything about something. And, if I don't know about everything that I'm talking about I would often tell them that I don't everything about it. (I'm worried if I'm being honest as I write this. )

Now here's my anxieties start attacking my identity really hard and about where I am at right now.

When I was about 14-15 years old (I'm 17 now.) I started wondering If I was paedo or not. I would often look at a child, mainly young girls, and wonder if I was attracted to them or not. I would often be able to shake the anxiety off and not worry about it.

When I was 16, a month before I was 17, I was watching some pretty smutty stuff on youtube. I figured I should take a break from watching all this stuff, so I clicked on this news segment about a 14 and 12 year old girl. There was nothing erotic about the video at all, but I still had a you know what (idk what else to call it) from the last smutty video I watched. So I started worrying if that news segment had turned me on somehow, so I watched it again checking for a "groinal response." I didn't get any. But checking for a groinal response one time didn't relief that anxiety for too long. I kept on watching the video over again checking for anything at all. But, it still wasn't enough.

I started feeling guilty and suicidal and wondered what was going on in my brain. I started, looking for answers online, and came across ocd somehow. I read some of the symptoms and I could relate to them A LOT. I still felt really guilty about what I did so I relied on my religion (Mormonism) to help me feel better. I prayed every night to help relieve that guilt for a little while, but it always came back. I would often whisper my prayers to my self so my mind wouldn't get intrusive thoughts (such as praying harm upon others.) I would also repeat my prayers if I felt like I didn't do them right.

As I started to focus more on religion I started get thoughts that distressed me a lot such as "What if this even isn't real?" I would then repeat a couple things to myself that gave me a sure belief in the religion. But the thoughts of disbelief came shortly after. I began to worry a lot and it was killing me.

Here's where I start going crazy

Soon religion became the only thing that I could think about all day. One time we were in the Christmas section of target and I jokingly said to my brother who's favorite holiday is Christmas "Christmas isn't real" sarcastically. But, after that I became afraid that I had committed blasphemy and I felt awful and bought a candle of San Miguel at target to show to God that I cared.

After that I became obsessed with health foods and thought in order to get to heaven I needed to my fruits and vegetables, so when to grocery I would only buy foods that I deemed healthy and were not packaged or canned. I also became obsessed with white clothing and thought it was the only color I should wear. So I also bought white vans shoes.

I also started having thoughts while playing the piano like "What if I play this song and it kills my brother?" and then I would play the song to prove myself wrong.

After all that chaos. the fear resurfaced of what if I was a pedophile and started feeling really suicidal. I would often look keep on looking at pictures of 6-12 year olds online to make sure that I wasn't attracted. But, the more I checked I felt scared and felt like I really was attracted to them. and the attraction to people my age had been fading and feels like it is almost gone. Then my brain would give me urges that gave me a lot of anxiety to watch cp and I have to keep on telling myself not to do it. I actually would turn my phone off and hide it away from me just to make sure I wouldn't do it.

And one time this thought of these two 12 year olds came to my mind that were bad and at first I didn't really react to it and felt like I enjoyed it but then like 3 seconds I realized how bad it was and I just started crying and contemplating suicide.

Is this OCD???

Dear uwicorn:

As a person with 50 years of OCD, everything you described is very much OCD. The way I see OCD now is that it is about excess fear circulating in the brain, looking for a thought to attach itself to.

So first there is the fear.

The excess, unsettled fear looks for a thought and it finds many, many... many thoughts over time. Usually thoughts about what is considered bad or sinful:

If I play this song, it will kill my brother.
I just said Christmas was not real, so god will punish me.
(Here is one that just came to me: I just typed god with a small g, then God will be angry with me and punish me).

It goes on and on and one.

And then there are the compulsions, the rituals as I call them, trying to prevent bad things from happening: you buying the candle as Target.

And the checking: making sure, again and again.

I am currently in the practice of ...when I notice a thought, I go back to the fear and say to myself: "I am afraid." That seems to calm me.

Because it is about fear.

Please post again, if you'd like.
atina

Thank you so much for the response Atina,

Sorry it took me forever to reply, but I really appreciate your help. I made an appointment that's coming up next month to get the help that I need. My main worries have been over what I believe to be POCD, and it just eats me up inside. But, hopefully it will one day fade or I can manage it. I will probably make another post about it.

Thank you,
uwicorn

Dear uwicorn:

You are welcome. I get a notice when comments are added to this thread so will respond if I get more of your posts here. As to another thread, I haven't so far checked the forum often and may miss the next post.

Best to you!
atina