Intrusive thoughts feel real

Hello,

my intrusive thoughts felt so real today, like I wanted them. I was in a shop today and there was a little boy and I got an intrusive thought about him but it felt so, so real. However, it made me feel anxious and sad,, I almost started crying. I am doubting that they are even intrusive thoughts. I think that I am a pedophile in denial and the thoughts only make me feel bad because I don't want to admit I'm a pedophile. I think I will never get rid of them, I feel like they are taking away my happiness. My fear circled around arousal before, I was afraid of experiencing arousal or a groinal response or whatever but now I would rather want these sensations instead of these thoughts.
I'm sorry for rambling but I just needed to get this off my chest. Maybe someone wants to share their experiences?

Dear tanja:

When I was a child, older child, I used to think about torturing babies and young children. I felt I was crazy or bad, or both. But I enjoyed those thoughts. I was a very angry child myself, very angry and thinking of causing suffering to those children made me feel better. And worse.

I understand now why I had those thoughts. I am glad I didn't follow through with such thoughts. It is scary to think that some people act on such thoughts. I wouldn't be sharing those with you except I am hoping that could somehow be helpful to you.

I didn't follow through those thoughts. This is what makes me feel good now. I don't feel bad anymore for having had those thoughts because looking back they only existed in my brain and had no power outside of me. This is such a relief for me.

atina

Thank you.

The point is I don't enjoy the thoughts and I don't want them. But there are moments when they feel real. Now thinking back of it I know that I don't want to act on them etc. but in the moment it popped up the thought felt real.

Dear tanja:

I don't know what you mean by thoughts feeling real. Do you mean that you think what you are thinking is really happening? Can you give an example?

atina

Hello atina,

I mean: at the beginning they didn't feel like my thoughts but the longer I have them the more they start feeling like they are becoming a part of me and that I will never get rid of them.

Dear tanja:

So you feel that a thought that was random may become permanent and you won't be able to get rid of it. This is distressing. I experienced that kind of fear the night before last, that I was having my OCD come back as intensely as it used to be. I had to calm myself down. I did what I was taught and worked for me in the past: I got to the calm part of my brain, and from there I looked at the scared part, and said: PART of me is scared. And I stayed at the calm part, observing the scared part. Until I was not scared.

atina