Almost No Hope Left. HOCD

Dear HOCD-scared1996:

I may have done it already, in a previous post to you, so I may be repeating myself. I will share with you some of my experience with OCD in hope it may be of some help to you:

Night after night, day after day, since such an early age, five or six, I don't know. So many fears, so much fear. I don't know how I made it. i don't know how a person survives all that fear, but I am alive so many years after. Fear. And I did rituals to neutralize the thoughts, so many rituals for so many thoughts. It was very time consuming. A thought-> fear-> ritual-> temporary relief.

Did I say "temporary?"- yes, temporary. Then at thirty, not as a result of therapy, it just occurred to me, well, if I don't perform the ritual what will happen? It doesn't make sense, I said to myself, that a symbolic ritual will "please the gods" and nothing bad will happen to me. So I experimented not performing this or that ritual and nothing bad happened as a result of me not neutralizing the thought with a ritual.

Years passed and my fear continued, at the tender age of 50 I developed anorexia. My fear didn't have a time-limit and didn't figure I was too ... old to develop anorexia.

Fear. At one point, quite recently, I figured what I keep being afraid of, what i think will happen in the future already happened. That is, what I fear is yet to happen, happened. What a concept. But really, it did. I just didn't know.

What I know now, is that the greatest pain a person can experience is the pain of an innocent child, that is when I was a young child, unprepared to be hurt, unsuspecting... I was all loving, eager to please, and then the worst happened: the person I loved the most, needed the most, hurt me and threatened to hurt herself, over and over again. I didn't know when she was going to kill herself. She said she was going to. That was my first fear. And then there was the fear of her attacking me, verbally and physically, anytime. No safe place. I was stuck in a war zone, death in every corner, collapse, attack.

It happened. And I kept thinking it is yet to happen. The fact that she did not die did not mean horrible things did not happen to me. The threat that she will die was bad. It kept going, the fear that kept giving more fear. If she killed herself, it would have been a one time event. Her threats were many times events. The fact that she didn't kill me does not mean the threats that she will did not happen. If she killed me it would have been a one time event, and I wouldn't be here to post to you. The fact that she attacked me thousands of times were thousands of events.

I am in the process of placing these scary events in the PAST, clearing my present from perceived danger.

If any of this is of some help to you, please let me know. I would like to know either way...

atina

Thank you atina, your posts are helpful because they target the root of the issue. I know most of my posts seek immediate reassurance that my fears make no sense and i have nothing to worry about. But i think youre right in the sense that i need to target the disorder itself, though i doubt this obsession has anything to do with OCD quite often

Hi,

I have what I hope is TOCD. I never thought I was transgender before but I do now. I mean I can't get rid of it I feel like a girl. I never did before and my old self feels really distant to me now. In fact I feel I have a transsexual brain and transgender identity. I can't get rid of it. I try to do so many things its always there and now I don't feel any anxiety. I don't even know if I actually want to get rid of it now.
I actually think I am trans and even want to start taking hormones, never did before.

Why! Is this OCD? It doesn't feel like it.

Dear HOCD-scared1996:

I understand you seeking immediate reassurances that your fears make no sense. Wouldn't it be nice if someone could be there for you each time you are afraid and calm you down. I find myself doing it for myself this very evening... I notice when I am afraid and I say to myself: "I am afraid"- this in itself calms me down. Until the next time I am afraid, and I say the same to myself. I also say calming things to myself as if I was a child.

Post again...
atina

I find it so interesting how all of us OCD sufferers regardless of the obsession always feeling we are the exception and that we really are what we fear. I am a female and have been suffering with HOCD for 7 months, and this is by far the worst obsession I have had yet. Stay strong everyone!

OCDsuffer0404 wrote:I find it so interesting how all of us OCD sufferers regardless of the obsession always feeling we are the exception and that we really are what we fear. I am a female and have been suffering with HOCD for 7 months, and this is by far the worst obsession I have had yet. Stay strong everyone!

I feel like that literally all the time, it sucks.

jdd wrote:

HOCD-scared1996 wrote:It seems like im the single case of HOCD that the person actually ends up being gay.

I think that like every single day. I'm sure others have on occasion too.

Lisa1989 wrote:

It seems like im the single case of HOCD that the person actually ends up being gay.

Haha, we all feel that way. I have fear of being transgender and I also think it's true and I'm in denial and that I'm the ONLY person who really is trans when they have OCD about it. Yep. This means it's OCD. You aren't gay. You can't be. Gay people don't fear being gay.

Oh my God Guys! You made me smile for the first time! Such a relief!
And I also have that transgender thing...

Well, I feel that way most of the time so it's not really a relief for me sadly. But I feel no will to try things out because it still doesn't feel like me.

I also feel like it's not me. Even when I am happy and not thinking about sexuality at all, I don't feel like I'm gay, I don't feel like I'm different. Yes I find girls somehow attractive, but it's not as intense as anxiety towards men, that's what scares me. The feelings towards men are stronger then towards women. Also, I don't feel disgusted by women and I'd enjoy sex with them, but not as much as I'd like to enjoy... I feel that my feelings towards women are not enough! That's what scares me.
That's a fear about me and myself, about my own perception of myself, not the other's.
What the others would think about me, bothers me in the second place. I want to feel hunger and rush towards women, so I could say that YES I AM 100% STRAIGHT!
But I don't have hunger and rush towards men also. I wasn't in love in a guy never in my life. I just wasn't thinking about men that way. I had friends in my childhood and had no homosexual thoughts about them. I was playing with RC cars, pistols, bows, riding bicycles. I was searching for half nude girls in magazines when I was a kid, when even didn't know what an erection is.
SO MANY PROVES FOR ME! Just why?...
I start feeling weird sensations towards guys ONLY when I am anxious, but they feel so bloody real!
I could not survive if it turns out that I am gay... just no... it's not me...
I should've feel that I am gay from the beginning, not now! I will not allow this to happen...

(That's how I feel )

any help for me would be nice as I have been suffering from what I would like to hope is hocd.


bit of background about me im 21 year old male and never really had a gay thought before this dont get me wrong i could understand when a guy was good looking im not a complete moron.

had a few girlfriends in primary school and a few in secondary school never really went anywhere but i still enjoyed those experiences. *mod edit* fell in love with a girl but she didn't really feel the same way about me so i spent days crying feeling sorry for myself and all that.

did have some ocd fears when i was younger for example leaving the house empty and had to check if the doors were locked fully like 4-5 times otherwise i wouldnt feel satisfied, checking taps were off to make sure i didnt flood my house 3-4 times, checking stoves were turned off after cooking incase i didnt burn it down. also feared of dying before my football team liverpool played champions league final in 05.

but at the start i was really fearful of all of this $#%^ 2 months straight i'd say but last few weeks no anxiety but seems like i am just thinking these myself and the thought of leaving my current girlfriend brings me too tears i just dont know what i want anymore :/.

any advise?