Are those even intrusive thoughts? (POCD)

Hello,

I think I might have POCD. I will see a psychotherapist in January so I hope things will get clearer then.

My anxiety level is lower than it was two months ago and I don't have to stare at every single child anymore to check whether I am attracted or not. I still have to check for arousal mentally but my groinal responses/false arousals aren't strong anymore. Even though I try to stop this mental checking it doesn't really work. I tell myself, "I won't do mental checking today." but then I end up doing it anyway.

What I am most concerned with right now are my thoughts/images. I used to have thoughts that were clearly intrusive and that I couldn't identify with. But now they feel different. To be honest, I am not really disgusted by them. They make me feel distressed and anxious but the main reason why they make me feel this way is that I am afraid I could act on them even though I don't want to and never did. I am afraid that these thoughts aren't intrusive thoughts but in reality secret wishes or desires. Maybe I feel different now because my fear diminished?

Has anyone any ideas?

Yes those are intrusive thoughts, the ones that you think you are capable of acting on is similar to what the biggest fear with mine are. Any thought that you don't want that is bothersome if I'm not mistaken is considered intrusive.

Thanks for your reply!

The worst thing is that these thoughts usually emerge when I am near children. In such a situation I am so focused on them and fear that I might actually act on them and want them. The fear usually diminishes after some minutes, especially when I am distracted by something. When I am more calm again I can behave and think normal again until another thought of this nature pops up. After having such a thought I usually have to test myself mentally, I have to replay this thought over and over again in my head. Even though I don't feel aroused by them, I think: "But what if I would be aroused by it in real life?"

I have a theory: these thoughts are usually similar to what I read online (e.g. in the paraphilia forum here), heard in documentaries about the topic or what I used to test myself mentally. Could it be that I kind of stored them in my head and they pop up in situations with children? Is something like this possible?

Dear tanja:

Something happened to you when you were a child, an emotional injury, may not at all been sexual. There was fear involved. You dissociated from the fear because your body, brain was overwhelmed, too much fear. This fear does not stay down, does not go away. You kind of forgot the injury, no thoughts about what happened in real life are connected to that repressed fear.

So the fear roams around in your brain, looking for the lost thought. But that thought (what really happened) is gone. The fear NEEDS a thought because only by having a thought of what caused the fear, can the fear dissipate.

So it finds a thought, this thought or that thought. Give it the real thought and healing will take place.

atina

Hey tanja, i have also been through POCD, and every single type of OCD for 4 years, but ive defeated it and moved on, but i want to share with you advice on how to deal with the OCD. A fear of being a pedophile, all this is is nothing but an obsession in your mind, simply a thought you cant get rid of, but then the obsession attaches to your emotions making it feel real, or even maybe making you feel aroused at some point. OCD will make u feel the need to doubt everything as well as you have been, and you said your also afraid of acting on these thoughts, regarding that what you should know:

First of all you will never act on the thoughts, because simply being here out of fear shows you never would, no matter how much your told you wouldn't do it will only be temp relief, you will find yourself constantly asking over and over if you will do it or not. Because thats what OCD does its an obsession.

All you need to do here is train your mind to overwrite the OCD emotional part, by constantly telling yourself that you are not a pedo and this is just your OCD, there are many tactics used as therapy to be able to deal with OCD obsessions i can share with you if you need.

- PM me if u needs halp.