Pure O or sexual freak?

Hi guys, first of all I would apologize for my english. Is not my native language and I would try to keep my story as short as possible.

I think I have OCD since my childhood. My OCD has begun when I was 7 years old after a traumatic experience that I had. It was in my house where I live with my parents and the door to my room was blocked in one particulary night. When I realized that I can't leave my room I've start to scream and I was convinced that I'm going to die there, in my room because my father will never managed to break the door. Well, after a period of time I've developed an unusual habit. I've started to compulsively check the doors of my house, the taps and the lights. For one year or two years I had this habit and then it stoped. The thoughts that I'm going to die somehow simply vanished and I was no longer intrested if somebody will enter in my house and kill me if I don't check the door or my house will be flooded if I don't check the taps. What is intresting is the fact that in all this time I had only severe spikes and the obsesive idea that if I'm not going to check my house I will die. I did not follow any tratament in this period of time.

After that, when I was 13 years old I've developed some kind of Scrupulosity. I've forgot to mention that I live in a religious familiy. My mother is a very religious person and she taught me since I was little boy to believe in God. She taught me that if I'm not going to believe in God or pray to Him or go to church every Sunday, God can punish me and He could send me to hell. I love my mother very much and since I was little boy I've believed everything that she told me without questioning. I remember that I was in my bathroom when a blasphemous thought appeared in my head.Then, this thought came obsesive in my mind. It was about cursing God and I've couldn't stoped cursing God. I felt so awful and I've felt so shamed. I thought that God will punish me and I've disapointed my mother. In this time I've experienced intense spikes, guilt, shame, and some kind of fear, but this thoughts and compulsions also stoped after 1 year without tratament.

And finally my last obsesive thought that I have. Everything has begun last year in december. I had a disappointment in love. I had depresive thoughts and also suicidal thoughts. I felt like a $#%^, I'm sorry for my words. I felt so bad and I've begun to search something to free myself from that burden and I've start to masturbate watching porns. I've watched all kind of porn (heterosexual scenes) and also I had orgasm every time. After I ejaculated I felt so good and unstressed. I'm a person who have low self-esteem and have a negative perspective about my future and life in general and I identify myself as heterosexual.

But in one particular nights I've watched a porn movie where a transsexual (shemale) apreared. "I've done my job" as always and I had no moral issues. I don't know why I acted like this. For me such images are so disgusting and I never had such sexual fantasies. I felt asleep and next day when I woke up BOOM. In my mind appeared a thought that I like to have sex with a transsexual. In the next second I had a high amount of anxiety that I never felt in my life. I was scared and I had spikes and sexual impulses that I want to masturbate at transsexual porn scene. Then the situation turned bad and I've begun to think that I'm gay or bisexual, bi-curious and I don''t like normal women anymore. In this period of time I had a date with a girl and it was wonderful. For 2-3 days I forgot about my intrusive thoughts, but then again the thoughts reappeared.Also I visited a psychiatrist and he gave me Xanax for my anxiety. He told me that if my anxiety is not reduced by those pills he will give me antidepressants. The problem is that my anxiety is gone but my spikes and intrusive thoughts are there. I want normal life but OCD is so tricky. I have thoughts that is not actually OCD and I'm a sexual freak, that I was never a heterosexual but anything else and without anxiety everything appear so real. In this time I've watched transsexual porno scenes to see if i get arousal, at work I look at my women fellows to see if I get arousal. Is so embarrassing sometimes.

Now I hate myself and I really hope that I have Pure O and I'm not a sexual freak with some hidden kinky desires. In the past if someone asked me about the last think that I doubt, surely my answer was my sexuality. I want to live a normal life,I want to have children and a beautiful wife, a real woman if you understand. I appologize if somebody feels offended by my words but for me "normal" is heterosexual. I wonder if somebody have the same manifestation of this disorder as me. This is another form of HOCD and this disoarted somehow manage to trick me? Now I have spikes and thoughts that actually I'm enjoying my new sexual passion and this is my main goal in life. It sounds very stupid. Please help! Thx for reading. I wish you good health and a long happy life.

The problem is that my anxiety is gone but my spikes and intrusive thoughts are there.

If you have spikes and intrusive thoughts, your anxiety is not gone. That is like saying, I have no gas in my car, so I only drive a few miles a day. You can't do one without the other.

STOP WATCHING PORN! Yes, an organism can cause a momentary lessening of anxiety, but ultimately porn cause a lot more anxiety over a period of time, because your body and mind wants more and more of the anxiety relieving orgasms. Worse yet, certain kind of porn becomes "dull" to your mind and you need different kinds of porn (more taboo) to get you off. It is a vicious cycle.

Did you tell your doctor everything, including the HOCD and the Scrupulosity? Did you tell him everything? There is a pattern going on, and I think you need a diagnosis, and long term treatment. Xanax is good for spotty anxiety.

Otter.

Otter wrote:

The problem is that my anxiety is gone but my spikes and intrusive thoughts are there.

If you have spikes and intrusive thoughts, your anxiety is not gone. That is like saying, I have no gas in my car, so I only drive a few miles a day. You can't do one without the other.

STOP WATCHING PORN! Yes, an organism can cause a momentary lessening of anxiety, but ultimately porn cause a lot more anxiety over a period of time, because your body and mind wants more and more of the anxiety relieving orgasms. Worse yet, certain kind of porn becomes "dull" to your mind and you need different kinds of porn (more taboo) to get you off. It is a vicious cycle.

Did you tell your doctor everything, including the HOCD and the Scrupulosity? Did you tell him everything? There is a pattern going on, and I think you need a diagnosis, and long term treatment. Xanax is good for spotty anxiety.

Otter.

Well, thank you for your attention. So my anxiety is gone now. I don't know if my anxiety is gone because I've took Xanax or because I've watched in a obsessive manner transsexual porn movies and somehow I've developed resistance to anxiety, but looking at that kind of sexual acts do not scare me, like in the past, The problem now is I still got that spikes, obsessions I don't know how to call those brain commands that makes me to compulsively check my sexual orientation or to see if I'm horny or not. This is the problem and of course this problem leads to another problem. If I don't have any form of anxiety and I still watch or have those thoughts with transsexual is because I'm polysexual, pansexual, gay etc? This is an insane "ritual", an endless cicle. Tnx again for reading.

p.s. Forget about that psychiatrist. He gave me pills (Xanax). I've told him: "Sir, if I develope an obsession?", then he told me: "I'm gonna give you, antidepressants". Bleah....

They cannot force you to get meds if you don't want them.

jdd wrote:They cannot force you to get meds if you don't want them.

Well ofc I don't want to get meds. I 'm afraid not to develop an addiction to drugs. Anyway, without my anxiety symptoms I feel like I'm polysexual or worse... . I've start to believe that I don't have OCD and I' m a paraphilic freak.

Hi Stefan, I have a feeling you're German? If you are and want to talk to someone, shoot me a PM.