TOCD and sexuality

Yeah well my OCD just made me feel like I like my old HS friend that I don't see very often and I don't remember ever really feeling or thinking this $#%^ around this person in years past so wth... ? (I'm the same age as you Lisa so you'd think I would have remembered something during school)

Yes, maybe: I remember I was a tomboy until I was 10-11ish and then I started to grow out my hair and wear different clothes and all. I wore a lot of guys' clothes before and then I didn't want to anymore. Ever since I was 11 I presented as a female and I look really feminine too. But no matter what. I just think I've been in denial all those years.

One thing I don't understand. Why can't a person who is trans have trans OCD? Why can't I be trans because I fear it? Some people are the things they fear. Especially in this case it's not a choice and you have no control over it, whereas you can actively decide against killing your spouse for example.

Yes. The thought came up suddenly. The trigger was that a friend who was once in love with me and it wasn't reciprocated - said to me: "People with anxiety don't know who they are" so I started to wonder why I might not know who I am and that's how the trans thought was born. Based on childhood evidence and the fact that I posed as a man online for a long time. This way I didn't have to open up in real life and I could hide behind a fantasy. But regardless of that, I always wished I would meet my future husband eventually and I will give up on this online $#%^. But yeah. I don't fall for men very easily.

Because you would not be irrational about it. A person who is trans and has trans OCD will be fearing they are not trans but actually the sex they were at birth.

Maybe I'm just in denial. This is torturing me so much. It's unbearable.

There are no trans people who are scared of being trans and having to transition then?
Well, for trans people it would be cis OCD or something. But I mean actual Trans OCD, hence, experiencing the same as I do.

Well its the same as using HOCD for all orientations.

I honestly don't know if mine isn't real now though. Idk if its even anxiety. It also starts to seem like I've been dealing with this for longer than I could previously remember... Is that false memories working their way in?

False memories?

That's why I think you have to go back to that sudden, frightening, intrusive thought and focus on it. A sudden, intrusive, thought that produces only anxiety, is the mark of OCD.

Mixed emotions at that moment it time, might be an epiphany.

Just fear? I'm calling OCD. And nobody in this thread, to my knowledge, has described having a thrill at that initial thought of being gay, or being trans. Just fear.

(Not entirely true-since I'm in this thread, I did find those things exciting. And I'm still not either of those)

You have to look at that, and go by that. And realize it does simply not matter if intrusive thoughts tell you you're gay or trans every second of every 24 hours. They're just thoughts. Once you break that feedback loop and refuse to let those thoughts scare you, they won't. Those thoughts can not make you trans. If you're trans, you'll want it. If you're gay, you'll want it. Worry about that when it happens. Until then, no worrying. Don't 'accept' the premise of the thoughts. Just let them flow thru and back out. It's like background noise. Tune the $#%^ out. You can't go tell that neighbor to turn their TV down, so you tune it out. At first it's hard, but it gets easier.

I've tried I only remember fear and dread at the thought of being gay.

False memories in that my mind is trying to fabricate or alter memories of me thinking I've had this theme longer than I really have?

Obviously i did/do find the clothes exciting sometimes but the thought of me actually presenting as a female beyond that is a scary and not wanted thought.

Then to someone on the outside, looking in, Jdd, would be tempted to say you're not gay, and likely the clothes thing is just a fetish. From my side of your skull, that's what it sounds like.

Yes but the emotional spikes? Those feel pretty real now. (In reference to what I said above)

It's fair enough to label it as OCD. And I definitely have that. No doubt. But I wonder why so many posters here rely on just saying intrusive thoughts are OCD, yes, they are, but why does this automatically mean the thought isn't true? Like, I can see why it wouldn't be true if someone was scared of harming their child, because they can choose and will choose not to harm it and they're scared of it. But just because I'm scared of being trans doesn't mean I'm not trans and the thought can still be true. I don't feel good at this thought at all, but then I think it's just because I don't want to transition when I should. The thought is unbearable but I don't know why this means it isn't true.