HOCD ruining me

Hello my name is Nina and I'm a very confused girl at the moment. Now this happened to me in such a strange way I feel stupid even writing this but I know if I don't talk I'll only get spiked again later. Bear with me.

How it started
Ok it happened like this. I've always had really crappy luck with men. They only seem to want me for sex and nothing more and it really douses on my confidence and self asteem. Anyway After another recent fall out with a guy, I was heartbroken once again. I was sat there questioning myself wondering what's so wrong with me? Why can't I keep a guy? Then a sudden thought occurred to me "OMG am I a lesbian?" The thought scared me and freaked me out and I shoved it aside quickly. But after that I obsessed over it for ages. I'm losing sleep, I'm crying constantly and just can't stop thinking about it and the more I think, the more I'm worrying even more that maybe my thoughts are right. I don't want this! I've never ever been attracted to women ever! I'm not even aroused when I see a naked woman or a woman on TV yet I still can't stop worrying.

It gets worse....
I have a very close relationship to my best friend. We are very affectionate and we have even been accused to being lesbians we are that close. Suddenly I'm worried we are going to end up together. The reason that is is because I've got a fixation with horoscopes. Anyway I was reading my horoscopes and it said I was going to have a relationship with someone I know. I don't have many friends, most I fell out with so I suddenly got the paranoid notion they were talking about her. It's affected my friendship with her. I'm petrified of this because I'm not attracted to her at all, never thought about her in that way. Suddenly I get flashin images of kissing her or having sex with her, I block them out but they disturb me and scare me I just want to tear my own hair out and scream in dis pair. I don't want this, despite being hurt by men I still want to be with a man. I've always been attracted to men, never have I thought about a woman. Once me and my friend were affectionate, hug, sit on each other's knees, kiss on cheeks but now I feel uncomfortable with it and worry that she might be feeling something for me. So every time she texts I get paranoid about why she is texting me . What's worrying me is its getting worse, I've tried testing myself. Looking at naked pictures of women and had a mini panic attack when I felt a little niggle down below.

I'm crying all the time, the more I think the more I worry so I breakdown because I know this isn't me, I know I am straight so I feel like whatever this is, is making me turn against who I am. I don't want to go to work, I'm practically driving myself into a depression. It's getting so bad part of me just wants to go and down a bottle of bleach because I feel like I'm losing myself, I'm even losing my attraction to men and it's scaring the hell out of me. It's taking over me. I'm starting to resent my friend who I have been friends with since we were kids, every time I see her face in my subconscious I just want to punch it. Please please I need help. I've tried just letting go but I'm scared that will turn me into a lesbian. Like I'm in denial and I do want this, that my mind is just scared but I know that's not true. I know I'm straight. Please can someone give me advice on what to do ? I'm literally begging right now .

I completely understand. I have been dealing with HOCD for over six months now. I'm a girl who has always desired guys and dreamed of falling in love with a wonderful guy who would be my husband, which I still do think about when these crazy thoughts calm down. I completely understand your feeling of "omg I feel in denial!" It sometimes convinces me I actually am gay and in denial and that I could come out at any moment. The worst part when I feel that is I don't freak out right away like if it's true and that I accept it then after I start to freak out. This has probably been the hardest and longest obsession I've had so far.

My therapist has told me to just to let these thoughts be, to agree with them and just to let them be there. I know how hard it will be but it will become easier. I also got so bad with my compulsions I would check ALL the time to see if I was attracted to the girl, check scenarios, or recheck any images that would come in my head to see if I felt anything for it. I would check at least 5 times before I felt the "right feeling". I would also go online for reassurance many times through the day, especially on the rough ones. I could read something that would calm my nerves for 10 minutes but sure enough, the urge would come right back to go on it again. I stress so much please DO NOT get into the checking/reassurance hole. I easily racked up 5 hours throughout my day doing those compulsions. It will do nothing but feed it and make the obsession more convincing. Right now my therapist and I are working on cutting my compulsions down to 1 hour day and I can only do them within those hours not throughout the day like I normally would. And also on just letting the thoughts be and to stop attaching so much meaning to it.

I understand how hard it can be because it can feel SO convincing at times like if you just actually are gay all of sudden and you just realized it. That convincing feeling won't last long it'll so convincing one moment and then you'll be back to no I don't think so lol. It even makes these false attractions and urges towards other females, even my own mom! Urges that are totally out of my character like squeezing boobs, smacking butts, jumping all over somebody like they are your favorite candy. I was never affectionate towards females in that way, just a hug at most. For guys it was a whole other story LOL I would love to be affectionate towards them even though I was shy. It was never that way with girls. It is just a hard thing to go through and I completely understand! I know you can overcome it. Stay strong girl!