Pedophile/Hebephile? Depressed and thinking about the end.

Hi

My names S and I don't know where to turn. I'm so down and depressed, I can't go on like this anymore and I've no where else to turn. If you're reading this, please hear me out. I need to discover who I am, and I need help to do so. Here goes.

So I'm 18, a 'normal' teenage boy in many people's eyes. I go out, I have friends, I serve my country, I drink, I go to the gym. See normal. Apart from the fact I don't know if I'm a paedophile, or a Hebephile.
I'll put it out there straight away, I have obsessive compulsive disorder, fully diagnosed by a medical officer/doctor, and I've had CBT in the past, I've also had sexual obsessions in the past but this is just too much.
So I put that there straight away so you can basically decide if you want to stay or go because I've seen how many people put OCD pleas on this site but I think they do go about it the wrong way, it's normally a mismatch of emotions and fear so it's hard to make sense of but I'm genuinely looking for an opinion so I can accept who I am, I want to move forward I want to live, if I'm a pedophile/Hebephile I want to learn to live with this, but I need to try and discover this myself first.

like I've said I'm not sure if I'm a paedophile/Hebephile or not I'm going to say paedophile from now on just for ease but I mean both. So I've had a history of sexual obsessions with OCD but managed to get over them and I'm going to tell my story of my child hood and everything leading up to this present day but all condensed.

So since I was a kid (13) I've been watching pornography, it started off with Lesbian porn and solo porn of women and slowly went to normal pornography men and women as I matured and grew up. As I was growing up between the ages of 14-15 I suffered from HOCD, well I know it's not called HOCD officially, it's just OCD with a homosexual obsession, but we'll stick with acronyms. I had a girlfriend at 15, the same age as me, who turned 15 in June and I slept with in July of that same year as we were both 15 year olds, now the age I'm thinking I could be attracted to is around the 14 year old mark. I was with her on and off until I was 18 and slept with other girls during then all of appropriate ages. Fast forward from 15 to around 16/17 and this is when this started. I think I remember watching an episode of law and order with a story line of pedophilia before this started but I'm not sure. I remember thinking I was attracted to a girl of 13 when I was 17 but I've never had anything before that, always into girls my own age and always appropriate pornography. I have had other sexual obsessions along the way just to throw that out there.
Anyway I do have my checking now, feeling I need to check if I'm attracted to ages 13/14 and I do this through masturbation and I can climax to these thoughts. I also get to the point where I'm like I give up I'm a pedophile and I'll say I'm going to accept it and go and masturbate to the thought of a 13/14 year old girl and I can do that but I'm wondering if that's another check, because I say I accept it then go and masturbate almost to see, but at the end of the day I can climax to these. That is the reason I'm here.
I do constantly obsess over this and want to check but at the end of the day like I said I can climax to these, I have always slept with appropriate ages though, I've slept with around 15 different girls the youngest when I was 15 being 15, when I've been 18 the youngest being 16, and the oldest being 34, I definitely had a definite attraction to curves and things when I was younger as I went through a milf porn stage. But now, no, I can't get off to that anymore.
I know there is the term non exclusive but I feel like I can't accept that it's either on or the other.
Also I am afraid to be around the ages I think I could be attracted to, I honestly would walk in the other direction if I was told there was a room full down the next corridor. I've also asked myself the question if I had no chance of being caught and it wasn't going to have any mental repercussions or anything on myself or the girl, would I act, and I don't know.
The major thing for me is when I get fed up and I'm like it looks like I am I'm going to go and masturbate to it then, I can climax.
I'd love to hear the opinions of you guys, I just want to get my life back on track, if I'm a paedophile I want to live my life and be the best person I can be.

Many thanks

I have obsessive compulsive disorder, fully diagnosed by a medical officer/doctor

That's all I needed to hear.

That, and the level of worry, and checking.

First off, I will concede the argument over in Paras that we are designed to glom onto young females at the peak of their fertility.

So yes (I'm male, BTW) I notice teenage girls. Does that make me a Hebe? Naw.

Remember, once your ocd gets you to checking, it can make you believe anything. Think you feel anything, including groinal (I'm beginning to really hate that word) responses. Still doesn't make you a pedo/Hebe.

Since OCD loves to twist things, like checking, masturbating to thoughts of 14 y/o girls is inconclusive. For one thing, that's fantasy. If you can't say you'd do it in a world with no penalty, then you have the possibility it's pocd or fantasy making you feel like you get off to those thoughts. A good example- I'm a latent bisexual. I've never HAD full on sex with another guy. I fantasize, I obsess. Is it just taboo fantasy? Is it hocd? No. Why? Because in a world with no repercussions, I'd do it with a cute guy in a New York minute.

While I'm on that, I think fantasy and masturbation are a bit plastic. I remain totally convinced, I could get off to photos of giraffes, if I did it often enough. Pavlov's dog.

You know to ignore the thoughts, hon. You just have to have the willpower to start.

snaga2.0 wrote:

I have obsessive compulsive disorder, fully diagnosed by a medical officer/doctor

That's all I needed to hear.

That, and the level of worry, and checking.

First off, I will concede the argument over in Paras that we are designed to glom onto young females at the peak of their fertility.

So yes (I'm male, BTW) I notice teenage girls. Does that make me a Hebe? Naw.

Remember, once your ocd gets you to checking, it can make you believe anything. Think you feel anything, including groinal (I'm beginning to really hate that word) responses. Still doesn't make you a pedo/Hebe.

Since OCD loves to twist things, like checking, masturbating to thoughts of 14 y/o girls is inconclusive. For one thing, that's fantasy. If you can't say you'd do it in a world with no penalty, then you have the possibility it's pocd or fantasy making you feel like you get off to those thoughts. A good example- I'm a latent bisexual. I've never HAD full on sex with another guy. I fantasize, I obsess. Is it just taboo fantasy? Is it hocd? No. Why? Because in a world with no repercussions, I'd do it with a cute guy in a New York minute.

While I'm on that, I think fantasy and masturbation are a bit plastic. I remain totally convinced, I could get off to photos of giraffes, if I did it often enough. Pavlov's dog.

You know to ignore the thoughts, hon. You just have to have the willpower to start.

I've had those thoughts too. I felt like I had to tell someone to make sure they kept children away from me so I didn't hurt them or do something sexual. I know it's OCD. But when a spike happens, you can't really perceive reality. It's obscured by the delusion of doubt that the condition creates in your mind. Honestly, if you have been pre-diagnosed with OCD, then it's likely the problem in this case. Sometimes, OCD likes to play with you, once you get used to it one way, it's twists into something else to obsess about.

Thanks guys, I think it's the fact that I sort of say 'f this fine I am one' and then go and masturbate to the thoughts of younger girls and I can get off to it and enjoy it. After I do though I feel relief and for a brief period I don't think I am a pedophile/Hebephile, It's strange because when I say okay fine I am one I have to go and masturbate like I don't have the urge and I'm not in the mood or anything and I sort of check to see if it's a checking compulsion I'm doing because I relate checking to OCD, so if it was a checking compulsion I could link it to OCD but then it doesn't feel like a checking compulsion, it's so confusing.

Of course it doesn't FEEL like you are checking. That's the sinister nature of OCD, it makes the unreal seem completely real and hurls logic out the door. No matter how hard you try to justify it, your brain will find someway to outwit logic. But what you are doing is seeking alleviation from your obsession. Everyone has their own way of dealing with it, and sometimes those compulsions seem completely rare or uncommon. But our mind always finds a way to deal with the anxiety and stress we are creating for ourselves and in your case, the masturbation, in the case is how you deal with it, because the act itself sorta dulls your sex drive for a short time after. The fact that you are AFRAID you are a pedophile, and feel guilty about it morally, tells me that you probably aren't one.