Need Advice Please

Hi everyone, I need some advice. I have an appointment with a therapist in one week, but I've been going insane with my thoughts for the past month. I've had OCD my entire life--since early childhood. I've suffered through health-related OCD, HOCD, obsessive thoughts about death, schizo-OCD, you name it. Most recently, for the past month or so, I've also been having really, really bad POCD. While I've had POCD in the past, it's been way worse. It started with a groinal response (which I didn't even know was a thing). I recognized it as POCD until one night when I started panicking about it. I've been in a constant state of panic for a month straight.

I've been feeling so guilty because, at first, I kept it all from my boyfriend. I told him my fears and he said he's here for me 100% and that I won't lose him. That hasn't helped and it's like my brain's scanning my past for things that may be construed as pedophilia. Then, for some reason, I thought of when I first saw my boyfriend's cousin for the first time. She's 13 and really pretty. Honestly, I never thought much of her and I even took a trip with him and his family with her being there. I was uneasy because of my POCD, but never thought anything of it. One day, my obsession shifted.

I then became afraid that, because I thought his cousin was pretty, that I could possibly develop a crush on her/find her attractive. So not only would that make me (1) a pedophile, but (2) a terrible person because she's his cousin. I thought that, if this was true, I'd lose him for sure. That's been my obsession for nearly two weeks and it's eating me up alive. My sister didn't help because she, as a lesbian, doesn't see a problem and thinks I "may just be into girls." I said I'm afraid of losing my boyfriend and she said, "So what? if you're into girls you're not meant to be with him."

The thing is, I'm straight, I've always been straight and never had any desire to hookup with girls. I love my boyfriend and want to be with him, but now I'm terrified after hearing that I may be attracted to his cousin from my sister. Some days I believe it's my OCD, but some days it feels so real that I want to start sobbing and have even had suicidal thoughts at one point. I don't want to lose my boyfriend because he is perfect in every way--my ideal guy and soulmate. So, fellow OCD sufferers, do you think this sounds like OCD to you? I don't want to be attracted to her, but it keeps ringing in my head that I "can't fight fate" or "it's going to happen whether you want it or not."

I have no desire to ever be with her, any other woman, or any kid (POCD-related), for that matter. Let me clarify, I have no problem with lesbians in any way--I just want to be with my boyfriend and am so scared my current fear isn't OCD, but what's happening. I'm terrified and can't tell my own thoughts from my OCD anymore and I'm doubting everything I've ever been. Some days I think "yes, this is all my OCD." But some day's I'm in a constant panic. Sorry for the ramble, I just thought maybe someone could offer some insight or how to deal with this?

The fact that you've said that you have had plenty of themes in the past suggests you are probably straight and not a pedo! Not a diagnosis though. What your sister said is somewhat upsetting as that shows she has little insight outside of her world of actually being a Lesbian. Does she even know anything about OCD / pure O?

I don't know much about POCD or HOCD but it certainly sounds like you have them.
I think OCD is pretty good at giving us false attractions. I'm having this problem currently with several people. The latest is a girl at work who I found out probably has OCD too. We have so much in common and have become great friends and because she's younger than me I think she appreciates having me to talk to. As she's fairly attractive I've had the fear 'what if I fancy her?' and like you sometimes I feel like I do and others I don't. I don't want to be attracted to a friend because I don't want to have to pull away from a great friendship. But the fact I'm questioning whether there's an attraction or not I think means it's OCD trying to convince me there is. I'm gay anyway so it's not HOCD but I believe it's the same principle here. I find it very hard to separate 'she's attractive' from 'I'm attracted to her'.

That's an interesting perspective kah. I have a difficult time figuring out real vs false though. I suppose i should try not to ruminate on that until such time I feel more confident though.

Well I wonder because HOCD and POCD are clearly more common, maybe false attractions for the correct sex are less reported because it's harder to tell if they are real or not. But with me it's becoming hard to make friends because I'll convince myself I fancy the person. Almost every time, if it's someone attractive. They can't all be real and they make me feel so guilty. Anyway I don't want to hijack someone else's post but I do sympathise because in a way my experience seems similar.

" Does she even know anything about OCD / pure O?[/quote]"

Thanks for your reply! And no, sadly she doesn't. She just thinks that I just "need to get over it." And that eventually there's a point where I just need to say enough and get on with my life. Must be nice to have that mentality, huh?

Thanks for all your reply!

You have no idea how much that means to me. I guess now, I'm worried because every time I see her, I get filled with panic. I don't know if it's just because it's already in my mind that I'm anxious about this or if it's because I acknowledge that I like her, which in turn causes me to worry. I just cannot wait for my therapist appointment. I saw one through my university, but she made my fears worse.

Again, thanks so much!

Well that mentality is somewhat incorrect anyway. So not really nice. OCD doesn't just move on without putting effort into working on it without feeding it.

Her attitude sounds a bit like my brother's. He doesn't think OCD is serious, it seems.

And yeah, I get filled with panic every time I go to work and see someone I think I might have convinced myself I fancy, so i know what it's like. I hope the therapist can help.

kah80 wrote:He doesn't think OCD is serious, it seems..

Sadly, this is the view of many people who don't understand.