After 5 years of peace from thinking I'm a pedo I could not believe that it's even possible that this horrific obsession can come back in full force but it did. I was completely over the obsessions and I laughed at the idea that I once even thought about this kind of stuff.
After watching an episode of law and order where child abuse was the main topic I suddenly started worrying about the possibility of me being a pedophile again and if I could be attracted to prepubacent girls. Suddenly it's all I can think about and I'm completely consumed by the fear of the possibility. It's like a stupid donkey tapping into the same trap twice but there is absolutely nothing I can do to change these fears or reduce my anxiety. I'm
The whole chain of reasoning and checking for gronial response started all over again after I've been there years ago and lived with the certainty that I'm in fact not a pedo and I never was for all this time now suddenly I'm completely terrified and barely functioning because of these ridiculous thoughts. I'm noticing every little girl on the street or on TV and it makes me Anxiety skyrocket. Before that I would never even think about it twice when I saw a pretty girl.
Before I had pocd I struggled with hocd for many years before. I used to check gay porn quite a lot at the time to determine if I had any reaction to it. I would even attempt to masturbate to gay porn and sometimes it would even work and I'd be horrified for days about my reaction. When the obsession shifted over to pocd I started doing the same. I'd look for pictures of prepubacent girls, mostly girls in swimsuits and I remember stumbling over some borderline pedo pictures in the from of child modeling images where little girls wearing bikinis would be shown in suggestive poses. I felt really bad looking at this stuff and when the obsession passed I never looked for it again in these 5 years since then.
I have a lovely girlfriend for many years to whom I'm attracted to without a doubt I never fantasized about prepubacent girls in any shape or form before the obsession and in the years after the obsession passed. How can I get so confused again?
Now I'm doing the same stuff again, looking u these pictures, feeling like a monster, disgusted by myself and feeling like I don't deserve to be alive because I'm actually looking at pictures of prepubacent girls in suggestive clothing. Effectively I'm looking at stuff that real predators look at and I feel like I'm no different from them. What worries me is that I don't feel strongly disgusted by the pictures or by little girls in particular so I'm panicking that this might be a sign that there must be some from of attraction that is real...my hands are shaking as I'm typing this but I should know better. If in fact I was a true pedo I would have probably known as soon as I started being interested in sex.
I'm absolutely terrified right now because I looked up these images and according to European law even looking at children in swimsuits posing suggestively or searching for child abuse related pictures alone (preteen model, child model etc.) can get you convicted for child pornography so I'm freaking out and it's making things so much worse. It mean I didn't look at explicit child pornogeaphy but clearly these pictures are intended for people who are at attracted to kids. It feels so horrible and I'm worried that my ocd will force me to compulsively look up even more pictures....
As a matter of fact I have always been attracted to women my age and until this obsession I never had a doubt that I could be anything else than a heterosexual man attracted to mature women just like any other healthy person.
Things that I am doing that are bothering me a lot (please tell me if you had/have the same because of your POCD:
- Looking up pictures of young girls to see if I get a reaction or If I am sexually attracted to them
- Suddenly I notice every and each child and I instantly assess them for sexual potential. Meaning I actually look at their butts, legs etc. and get extremely uncomfortable because somehow I do think that I am attracted to their petite physique and cuteness.
- I get shocked that I notice differences in how attracted I am to different girls. Some girls just don't spike me while others seem to "attract" me more. I take this as proof that I am actually a pedo because why else would I see differences between them and assess them in such ways?
- I look at women my age and suddenly I feel like maybe I was only attracted to them because that is supposed to be "normal" and that in reality I might have always been attracted by children; so consequently women my age are now regarded as "second best" or as an replacement for my true desire.
- I catch myself looking at sexy women my age and wondering how they looked when they were younger and If might have been more attracted to them when they were children.
- When I am at the beach I look at kids in their swimsuits and actually secretly hope to see a pretty child so I can look at them; i am not sure anymore If i do this to check or if I am actually enjoying it!?!? and it is terrifying; thinking that It may actually be only terrifying because peods are so frowned on and that If it was okay to be a pedo i might actually enjoy it?!?!
- My mind is telling me that there is clearly a real attraction there because why else would I look at children that way and most of all why would I notice sexual aspects about them (butts, body etc.) and have such a strong reaction?
At the same time it makes no sense, how would I have such a long time without any problems in that regard? Why would I have sex with women my age and masturbate to normal porn for all these years and enjoy it If I was truly a pedo?
Then there is the topic of exclusive and in-exclusive attraction. Some Peods are attracted to both kids and women their age. So maybe I am someone that falls in this category (which is equally terrifying)
Anyways sorry for my rant but I really feel like a monster, ashamed of myself and disgusted by myself. I normally try not to seek reassurance but this obsession and what it makes me do and how it makes me feel is much worse than all the other countless obsessions I've already been through.
Thanks for reading and hopefully you can help me find a ray of light in this dark place I'm at.
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