OCD and sexuality - please help

Hi out there!

I'm a 23 year old bisexual girl, who since 3-4 months ago have suffered from servere POCD (or at least, what I hope it is).

First of all, sorry for my lousy english, I’m from Spain, It's my first time writing in a forum, and my story is quite long, but I still hope some of you will take the time to read it:

I grew up with my mom and dad, who almost as long as I remember had a very bad marriage. My dad suffers from ADHD and a psychosis, which only became worse and worse through my childhood. From I was around 8 years old 'till they got divorced. The house was always boiling with tension, verbal and phsyical fights (not against me or my brother). It was a very tough time, when they got divorced - life was chaos, since my dad couldn't realise he was sick and tried to win the custody over me and my brother by kidnapping us, harrassing us and so on.
I developed Anorexia, and was very sick for a year. After that my dad was put in the hospital, and I managed to start eating again since my life was more calm (I must have been around 12). At the same time I started to do a lot of compulsions (counting, having to do things to they feel right, touch the walls and so on). I didn't put much attention to it in the beginning, but that was my first experience with OCD.

At age 14 I started to party and drink a lot. Soon I started to have sex with A LOT of guys (It's clearly to me that I wanted closeness/confidence) - all of them not wanting anything but sex with me. I lived with my mom, but over the last year we had developed a very bad relationship and were fighting all the time.
It's only within this (23) year, that I found out that I probably had anxiety a lot of my life. Back then (age 14) I didn't know, but what I knew was that my mood was going a lot up and down, getting very angry and feeling hurt by a lot of things, and a feeling of constant restlessness and feeling of not being able to be in my body as well as not being able to function harmoniously - I was a very unhappy teenager, that for many years tried to fight my selffeeling of being a "slut" do to all the sex I had as a young teenager. At that age I started to masturbate a lot, both to own fantasies, but also a lot to erotic stories and pictures - back then I remember feeling both very relieved and ashamed after every orgasm. I don't know why, but I most read stories about mature men and women (even elderly) having sex with eachother or with a younger person, age-difference (but not children) grown up's having sex with teenagers (14-15-16-17 years old), first gay/lesbian experience, mature lesbian, mature gay, transexual, BBW-stuff and probably other "bizzarre" stuff. I recently read about porn-addiction, and when I look back it looks a bit like that to me. Even today I sometimes use porn/masturbating when I’m anxious or restless, but now I don’t look for the more bizzarre stuff anymore.

Another thing is, that most of it doesn't interest me in reality, except for me being with a much older guy or woman (50-60) and the lesbian sex, but the other things doesn’t seem sexual at all to me in reality (I fx. never look at an elderly person, and thinks about sex and I find it very disgusting to think about their genitials)

I grew up, and started to live a (at least on the outside) happier life with friends, boyfriends, good sexual experiences, school and so on, but my OCD developed and was controlling my life big time. I had so many compulsions (the same as always but much stronger) and I could not even fill a dishwasher, open up a closet, going down the stairs, read a book, send a message or even speak without having to do compulsions. In this time I experienced a lot of ROCD, while being with my former boyfriend, intrusive thoughts about loved ones getting hurt, about people being mad at me and some other guiltrelated stuff. At the same time I had this “uncomfortableness” around children or the subject pedofilia, but it was not filling my head as it does now.

As the years past, I started to fight my compulsions, and today my outer compulsions is peanuts next to how it was when I was a teenager.

So now (23) that uncomfortableness around children changed in to severe POCD. I started to obsess a lot about the erotic stuff that I read, because a lot of it was about agedifference, even though it was not about children. I also obsess about liking the book Lolita, and not being totally scared about the relationship between them, as well as I obsess about remembering a couple of scary nightmares I had when I was younger about me having sex with a child. Normally I’m able to calm myself, but there are so many triggers, and the worst things is the groinal response - and it’s often that one, that feeds my OCD cycle. Most days it comes even from reading the word child, hearing a child cry or anything childrelated - even objects! It comes instantly, and feels like the way groinal response is described. Unwanted, not comfortable at all and like my whole body tenses and tries to avoid it. I used to try to check and test if I’m really aroused or it’s just anxiety, which I now try stop doing, which for me is so hard!!
I’m not scared of hurting or doing anything to child, and I’ve never fantasized about one or felt that I wanted to have sex with one (even though OCD makes me doubt the last thing sometimes)

Now I have an amazing boyfriend, who I want to have kids with and grow old with. We have good sex, and he gives me several different orgasms, and it feels so natural and tender to have sex with him, but for some reason I still fantasize of women when I masturbate or also sometimes when we even have sex. These lesbian fantasizes doesn’t scare me at all, I’m only scared if I’m not into sex with my boyfriend because of these other fantasizes, though I know he is the one I want to have sex with in reality. As you can hear, my life is all about sexual confusion.

I guess I just want to hear what you guys think. Is this OCD or do I have other problems as fx. porn-addiction, pedofilia or something else? If so how would you advice me?

I just want to say, that this forum have helped me a lot, and I appreciate all the help I have picked up in here in all my most terrifying moments.

Hey NAP -

That's a rough past, for someone so young.

Have you been officially diagnosed with OCD? It certainly seems like you have all the symptoms. Have you ever been treated (meds and/or therapy)?

Considering your past, it is not surprising that you have so many different issues going on. I think all of it is fueled by what happened in your family. I think you are right in assuming that it might be OCD and sexual confusion. But perhaps it is better to use the concept of sexual dysfunction instead.

Like you I came out of a bad family situation. And like you I was attracted to age-differences in porn and fantasy. And also like you they didn't involve children. My thing was older people. In fact, in my 20s, I dated a series of older women, about twice may age.

Anyway, all of it came from my past, for the most part.

I think you need to see it all as a whole and then work specific things. I really think professional support would really help. Maybe meds too. It will help slow down the compulsions and let you take control of things.

Regarding the POCD. You have to remember, almost all pedophiles don't fear being a pedophile. They may have other issues related to it, but fear of becoming or being a pedophile isn't one of them

Add to this, that you have had other irrational thoughts and ideas, and I think you can see that your issue isn't Pedophilia. But I know OCD makes it hard to stop thinking about, and forces you to check, etc.

Think about that support.

Otter.

Hi Otter,

Thanks a lot for your reply! Having a lot of anxiety these days, and I am constantly checking!

I'm not diagnosed yet, but I'm in the system now, and are going to see a psychologist within long. I've never been on meds or therapy.

What exactly do you mean by sexual confusion/dysfunction?

About that time were I read that more bizarre erotica, I remember feeling ashamed after, but not fearing that I was into doing any of it myself. At the moment my obsessions are fueled by the erotica I read, but at the same time I don't find it logically to put a link between age-difference and pedofilia. What do you think? Did you ever experienced POCD because of reading these stories?

Bests,

NeedAdvicePlease wrote:What exactly do you mean by sexual confusion/dysfunction?

Generally speaking, Sexual confusion/dysfunction means our interpretation and self awareness of sexual issues are not in synch and it affects our behavior.

OCD and sexual confusion/dysfunction can be problematic because they can mixed in with each other, leading one to believe that all of it is caused by either OCD or sexual confusion/dysfunction, when it really is more complicated than that.

At the moment my obsessions are fueled by the erotica I read, but at the same time I don't find it logically to put a link between age-difference and pedofilia.

I'm not sure I understand the above. Could you rephrase it.

Did you ever experienced POCD because of reading these stories?

I did not read erotica that concerned children, so I was never confronted with POCD. My taboo subjects had different subjects.

Hi Otter

What I mean is, that I never read anything that had to do with children or had any fantasies about children - but instead the fantasies was about age difference, also teenagers, but I don't find that problematic if it stays in the fantasy. I don't know if I'm right, but I think that I'm just turned on by all taboo stuff (when it comes to fantasies). I could be turned on by everything from my old doctor to an animal to a big busty woman or whatever. But still, my concerns are about pedofilia. Does that sound like pedofilia?

I'm literary shaking of anxiety right now, after experiencing some uncomfortable groinal responses today. I feel completely anxious about feeling this way, and I cannot imagine anything more amazing than being with my boyfriend and having good sex with him. I don't feel like I'm a pedofile or that I would have any interest in interacting with a child in any romantic or sexual way.

I guess it's just so messed up now, that when I see a child, I have to check if I felt attracted, and now it's almost impossible for me to figure out if I was or I just think that a kid looks sweet + I get these groinal responses, that feels similar to arousal, but just fills me with paralyzing anxiety and fear.
I've read something about, that groinal responses occur because you associate the object (kids) with sex. Do you or anybody know more about that?

I really don't know what to do about it, and I keep seek reasurance with my boyfriend. I told him everything, but he still doesn't think that I'm a pedofile, but I'm still doubting

NeedAdvicePlease wrote:What I mean is, that I never read anything that had to do with children or had any fantasies about children - but instead the fantasies was about age difference, also teenagers, but I don't find that problematic if it stays in the fantasy. I don't know if I'm right, but I think that I'm just turned on by all taboo stuff (when it comes to fantasies). I could be turned on by everything from my old doctor to an animal to a big busty woman or whatever. But still, my concerns are about pedofilia. Does that sound like pedofilia?

Pedophilia? No. Read that first sentence again = "I never read anything that had to do with children or had any fantasies about children".

I'm literary shaking of anxiety right now, after experiencing some uncomfortable groinal responses today. I feel completely anxious about feeling this way, and I cannot imagine anything more amazing than being with my boyfriend and having good sex with him. I don't feel like I'm a pedofile or that I would have any interest in interacting with a child in any romantic or sexual way.

Right. So then why would you even think (or fear) you are Pedophile? Well, because that is how anxiety/OCD works. It takes all the rational arguments and turns them into irrational fears. Groinal responses are completely useless when you are anxious.

I guess it's just so messed up now, that when I see a child, I have to check if I felt attracted, and now it's almost impossible for me to figure out if I was or I just think that a kid looks sweet + I get these groinal responses, that feels similar to arousal, but just fills me with paralyzing anxiety and fear.

I've read something about, that groinal responses occur because you associate the object (kids) with sex. Do you or anybody know more about that?

You have to get away from checking and groinal responses, they are only making it worse for you.

I really don't know what to do about it, and I keep seek reasurance with my boyfriend. I told him everything, but he still doesn't think that I'm a pedofile, but I'm still doubting

Doubting. That is what OCD does. To everyone but you it is clear that you are not a Pedophile. But since you are the one with the anxiety, you are the one who doubts. Your brain is in a state of fear. It is looking for the root of that fear. It had chosen Pedophilia this time. But it has chosen incorrectly. You have to reduce that anxiety. That is where things started. The fear of being a Pedophile is just a symptom. This is why so many people with anxiety disorders go from one fear to another.

I can't remember if you mentioned it in your first post, but you need to get with a professional at this point - methinks.

Otter.

Hi Otter,

Thank you so much for your replies! It's a rough night, so it's really appreciated.

I would like to hear you opinion on something. I've been reading in the paraphilia site, where people who see themselves as pedofiles, are talking about a feeling of being attracted to a childs body and behaviour. I don't feel that (even though lately I'm doubting it, maybe because of anxiety).
But I do find some excitement in fx. Lolita or something like that, but I feel it's about something else.. Maybe dominance, taboo or that it is simply forbidden?

I think these groinal responses I'm having is a pretty new thing (3 months or so), but now I'm just getting them all the time. If I really try to relax I can avoid them or if I'm with my boyfriend and he calmed me down, but sometimes even if I was not thinking about the fear of being a pedofile, I'll get them from hearing a child screaming or childish colors, a child bicyle or even from the word child. Is that normal/possible or does it prove that I'm a deviant?
Is it possible to have linked this subject with sex so much, that the brain just instantly makes groinal responses?

And also, is it OCD behaviour to test yourself by making up an imaginary picture of me doing something to a child, to see if you like it? I'm very scared of making those pictures, and when I do it I always feel disgust/fear, but sometimes I'll get a groinal response too, which ofc scare the hell out of me.

This is the worst thing! I'm actually able to feel fine, but then the groinal responses takes me to anxiety-hell.

You are so right about, that I need to see one, and will do as soon as possible.

Bests,

All of what you wrote is what happens when someone is caught in an obsession/fear about something that is not rational.

For many people (including myself), the taboo subjects we fantasize about, are just that - fantasies. We don't want them to happen in the real world. On the other hand, indulging in taboo subject matter can sometime get out of control, and we simply want more and more taboo for the sake of taboo, rather than focusing on one particular thing. This can begin to confuse us about what we really want to fantasize about.

When someone suffers anxiety disorders, like OCD, this becomes problematic, because the anxiety uses these taboo things against us. They begin to distrust that they are really just fantasies, and they are desires we want in the real world, and things spin out of control.

Back to the groinal responses. When you concentrate on something so hard, you are going to lose the reality of the what is true and what is not true. Your body is going to respond to the "wrong thought"all the time, simply because you are concentrate so hard on things.

You really need to stop reading the Paraphilia forum. You need to stop checking.

And also, is it OCD behaviour to test yourself by making up an imaginary picture of me doing something to a child, to see if you like it? I'm very scared of making those pictures, and when I do it I always feel disgust/fear, but sometimes I'll get a groinal response too, which ofc scare the hell out of me.

This is checking too. And again, you have to stop focusing on groinal responses.

You are trying to answer question that is already answered. But this isn't about being a Pedophile.

Consider a pot of boiling water. You are wondering what causes the water to become hot. So you spend all your time testing the water. You compare the hot water, to warm water, and then to cold, and then water with ice. Do you think you will ever find out what makes the water hot, by looking at the water?

Otter.

Otter wrote:OCD and sexual confusion/dysfunction can be problematic because they can mixed in with each other, leading one to believe that all of it is caused by either OCD or sexual confusion/dysfunction, when it really is more complicated than that.

This is worrisome.

Sexual confusion/dysfunction is not the same as sexuality and identity.