I'm becoming a horrible person...

I'm so mean. Especially to my parents. I lash out verbally at them when I'm on the phone with them if they don't listen to me talk again and again about my anxieties and my obsessions or if they say something I don't like. And I worry it's getting to the point where I just like being mean. Where I get pleasure from knowing a certain thing I say will hurt. But I don't want my parents to hurt. Sometimes my harm ocd gets involved when I get so irritated that I think "ugh i just want to kill them" but I don't want to. But I worry maybe I do. Maybe I'll get so angry to the point that one day I will. And I would be a horrible person if that ever happened.

I am venom. Pure venom. My poor parents are old, struggling with money and health issues, arguing constantly because of me. And all I can do is ignore the problems they try to tell me they're struggling with and focus on me me me me my obsessions my obsessions my worries my depression me me me me. And that is beyond unfair. And when I get angry my first response is to say "you don't care" when obviously they care. I'm a horrible person. Why am I even making this post? So that people can tell me "oh no you're not" when it's obvious that I am. That I would rather throw myself a pity party than care about the people that care about me.

My mom calls to say "i don't know why you enjoy getting angry with me and putting yourself down so much. sad." Hangs up almost immediately after that because not like I can respond with my roommate in the room. Then I get angry again and worry that I'm just so angry I'd want to kill her. I can at least live the knowledge that she is miles and miles away and safe. At least from me. I love my mom and would never want anything bad to happen to her. But I do get so incredibly angry with her. And I just feel like I'm gradually becoming more and more of the horrible person I never wanted to become.

I wish I could just sleep for a really long time until I woke up as a better person and life was how I wished it would be. I'm so tired. I miss everything that I've either already lost or am pushing away. I don't deserve to be alive. I am scum. Like real freaking scum.

I can sympthize with you, as I've had similar thoughts in the past. The best advice I have is to pray about it. I'm still struggling with OCD but not at the point that I once was. If/when I'm in a more stable frame of mind, I realize that giving in to these thoughts make them worse. If I dwell on the fact that I'm thinking these horrible thoughts, it makes them more persistent. Instead of dwelling on them, try doing this: ask for forgiveness for these thoughts, and move on. Don't try to do rituals to make these thoughts disappear, simply move forward. Acknowledge that you do not want these thoughts and move forward. If you truly want to do right, you will get help. God will not forsake you. Prayers for you, my friend.