HOCD and TOCD Enjoying Toughts

I got HOCD when i was 7.I always liked girls, but when a guy is handsome i think "damn that guy is handsome" but not in a sexual way, It came back 2 years ago...this is what i experienced

>Checking for numbers that might give a signal that i was gay
>Anxious next to guys
>Checking
>Even guys that i never notice before (even some ugly guys) started to feel attractive to me.
>Lost arousal to woman
>Depression
>Etc...
Then TOCD came
>I started feeling that i had boobs
>I started putting paper under my shirt to see if i liked having boobs (i freaked cause the feeling was that i really liked)then after some time, the feelings got weaker and then...over...
I lived my life normal, everything came back to normal, but it got back now 2 years later...here's what i feel
>Enjoying toughts (this got me lots of anxiety everytime)
>Thinking guys are attractive
>Checking
>Groinal responses
>Enjoying putting paper under my shirt again (guys the feeling of liking having boobs is too damn real)
BUT...
I don't enjoy wearing womans clothes (i tried it), it's specifically with boobs.. and i never had the urge to dress or to change my body when my OCD is more "calm"
Some gay toughts disgust me but some i feel like i enjoy it, some i enjoy but later it disgusts me, that i would like to be with a man...This destroys me completely, cause i'm completely confused...
One time my mind said "hey you would like to use a skirt" and i felt that i really wanted it, and i feel it sometimes... but i had a work in college against sexualism and i guess what... i had to use a skirt. I didn't felt nothing, i felt like "damn i just want to take it off soon, felt weird, not right". The thing is, i don't know what i am anymore, if i'm in denial...if i'm straight... if i'm transgendered...
I just want my normal life back, i want to like girls again and love being a guy (yes, i like being a guy, i don't let OCD touch that feeling cause i know it will say "you don't like it, you're in denial")
Some weeks ago i obsessed about guys with "sexy" body, guess what, i felt attracted, got over it, and today, i feel like "damn i was serious?" i feel normal, i don't feel attracted.

The question is... can HOCD-TOCD-OCD... make you enjoy the tought or have weird feelings? Like, for real? is that normal? I don't see people talking about "enjoying" toughts or feelings...

I JUST WANT MY NORMAL LIFE BACK...

Hmm, well OCD can give you false feelings toward something based on the fear.
Some people fear that they actually like the idea of hurting people , but the key word that is dismissed within the illogical OCD, Is FEAR ... people don't fear things they are , they only worry about coming out, and the consequences of doing such.
They don't have apprehensions of what and who they are, just worry over the consequence of it all.

My hand is trembling so much... the weird thing is, i don't feel like it is me sometimes... but man, it feels so real, the toughts, feelings, looks like i have no other way, that'll be like this forever.

Trigger possibility.

Sounds to me like there is some maladaptive thinking with the tocd portion here. Trans is another complicated subject but I think if you truly are trans, you'd likely have had a full scale fascination for it and potentially a hatred of men's clothing and not simply testing of you liked it or liking it for the fun of it. I'm not entirely sure the society part is fully translatable in tocd cases either. It's more about how society would treat you if you were trans rather than what they think of your apparel choices.

Not a diagnosis, but just some thoughts.

Maybe you've developed some sort of boob envy? Idk. That would not mean you're trans either. Point is, if you've never thought about wanting to be a girl for your entire life and then all of a sudden it's popped into your head, it could be just tocd.

The weird thing is, i have a "fetish" for natural boobs, or just big boobs... and if i see a friend of mine and imagine him with boobs it feels like "they would be better this way", and i don't feel the urge to do this, to put paper under my shirt, but i don't know, it feels that i like it, then anxiety comes... I don'1 want to be trans =C i like being a guy.

kidandy wrote:The weird thing is, i have a "fetish" for natural boobs, or just big boobs... and if i see a friend of mine and imagine him with boobs it feels like "they would be better this way", and i don't feel the urge to do this, to put paper under my shirt, but i don't know, it feels that i like it, then anxiety comes... I don'1 want to be trans =C i like being a guy.

Then be a guy, trans people don't like being guys (mtfs) If you want to be a guy then you can be one

I 'm totally confused =c

Nothing wrong with boob envy.

Girls get penis envy.

As far as the dudes go.... Could you be bi? There are many shades of bisexuality. Being bi doesn't mean you have to like both sexes in the same fashion, or equally well, or at the same moment.

HOCD and TOCD can mess with you, but I don't usually see victims of those particular OCD flavors say they enjoy any of the thoughts.

I'm a latent bi. My experience with guys is very slim, but I like to think about it. I really like girls and crush on girls very easily, but sex with a guy would be fun. To my libido, sex is sex is sex. I'm not turned off. Sometimes I'm angry with myself and disgusted for being that way, but the idea of rolling in the sack with a guy is not disgusting in and of itself. It's merely something I have chosen not to do.

Yeah, I don't know that I would say I particularly enjoy the thoughts. But that could also just be me saying that too idk.

Actually, i don't know if i like it or not... i don't feel any, any attraction to a guy's body, i think it's normal, i only get these toughts or fantasies for checking, when i'm normal, i'm okay, i don't think or fantasize about it. The thing is, the "what if" in my head start popping. The feeling of wanting to kiss a guy looks real. Or even the guy' s body starts to feel attractive and i want to touch it. It's not truly enjoy is more like... "what if i like the toughts" and the feels come.

-- Wed Oct 21, 2015 7:03 am --

And yes, when i'm calm i find the toughts disgusting... =c but then suddenly it comes and it says "your denial makes you think you're not liking but you like it" and then it becomes a loop. The fear of liking it ...oh man.