Hocd ruins my life

First of all thanks for the possibility to write you. I am a 22 years old Male, which suffers from HOCD. i tr to make my story short and hope you can give me some nice advice. My first OCD starts with thinking aboz cancer 2011. I read 24 hours on the internet something about brain tumor, because 2 uncles of me died with this cancer. So i was afraid and after visiting the doctor was everything fine. I stopped thinking because, i got an answer.
2012 : One day suddenly the thought came in my mind , am i gay. Because a guy looked at me intensive. I was in panic try to watch gay porn to check myself but no chance it was not my thing. Only dig that i could see was in a hetero porn, and the enjoying part was to watching the girl during the sex. Their faces , and so on. I was in panic, 24/7 checking, thinking about it. I also visited a prostitute do sura that i can have normaly sex with a women. WTF??? after that i was afraid to get HIV from this SAFE CONTACT and HOCD was in second plan. But yes sometimes i thought how it would be when i am gay ( NO SEX;KISSING STH. With a guy ) just the possibility and i thought ok would not the end of the world . I started with University and was still afraid to have OCD, when i talk about sexy girls with my friends, sth. in my head says come on dont fool yourself you are GAY. and i was very afraid, but it dissapperad after 8 Months of checking, fighting and crying.Because i got in love with a girl. it was very nice to spend time with her. I watched at clock if she doesnt answer me, had butterflies was happy. and yes ocd says still you are gay. BUT i say come on ###$ you dont disturb me i am happy, after that i dont give it attention and everything was fine. I was happy with my sexual life could watch again porn without fearing beeing gay or fear of the mens genital. Really once i want to force my self ( 1 year after surviving ; TO CHECK ) with how it would to give a blowjob. But nothing happens i just laugh and was happy and say to myself let this crap ;D. During the time i got again the fear to get a illnes . Again cancer and this time Morbus Hodgkin. 1 year checking going to different doctors and after get the answer that im healty everything was okey.


This year 2015 : I got a girlfriend, ( im still with her ) our first meeting were awesome time flies like a race car when we have spent time together. But one day we talk about a friend of my who my girlfriend thinks he is gay. I say her no, he has many girls and she answered me that she know a lot of guys who takes an alibi girl to show that they are straight but are secretly gay. BOOOOOOOOOM my head starts again : Maybe you are one of this guys you got in the past this thoughts but maybe that was not ocd you are in denial. I was in panic , couldnt stop checking other guys. Everytime the answer was no, and i say to myself that i should close this questions very fast because i know i had this one time and it can get worser but NOW after 6 Months of struggle i do not know if im still straight or love my girlfriend it makes me sick. I can feel something like an erection when im thinking about homosexual stuff and that makes me more crazy. Its not a normal erection with happiness like when i have it with girls but something in fear and panic that i can loose myself suddenly and act on it. During this panic atack phases i just want to avoid people want run very fast home because i think i will do sth. bad.
Sometimes i really start to believe im gay but just not accept it. 24/7 thinking about it the last 10 days makes me tired. I have the fear to loose my wunderful girl and life and identity. And sometimes the voice says to me come on just accept it than everything gots worser, and sometimes it says to me you are thinking about that you like it, and sometimes i force myself with thought which includes i like them but during this kind of thoughts i fall in a deep hole and start trembling and yes im very confused. I dont know what could rescue me.

AND NOW SINCE 2 Weeks i get allways ,,groinal response'' when im thinking about some situations for example with a good looking guy , but this is just with fear i can feel it.Its like you know you will get hard but its not a pleasure Also i got a groinal response when i told my girlfriend i love you. I can feel the fear , its like somebody gonna rape me during the anxiety and this is making everything more complicated.I just want run away and hide me under my bed

Please help me , i think i will lost my girlfriend and will get gay. During writing the last sentence i fall down in tears.....

Don't worry buddy I've been through hell on this one and been out clean the other side.

I've had the works with HOCD...Intrusive thoughts, groinal response...etc etc.

The only way you can make it better is by accepting the thoughts and the slim possibility that you could turn out like that.

When you do that, the fears and anxiety eventually fade and you wake up and think. What the hell was I worried about?

You can get through this.