TOCD or just me?

Hi, I'm an 18 year old girl.
For the past few years I have been struggling with something but I wasn't sure what it was. It all started a few years ago when I first watched a movie with sex scenes in it. For the next few days I started worrying about feelings of arousal and lots of thoughts and panic filled my head.

I got over it after a while. A few months later I first heard about homosexuality and after that I spent months having thoughts and worries in my head about being a lesbian and it made me feel depressed and scared and I cried a lot about it. I had these images in my head and these thoughts and I started evaluating my life thinking it was the reason for some things in my life like not being comfortable with one of my relationships and things like that. That also faded.

Then I saw a tv episode of hollyoaks of where Jasmine wanted to be a boy and that's when my brain went "oh my god, what if that's me?" it made me miserable and I was so scared about it. It was constantly on my mind, it made my body feel weird and just genuine made me frightened. I have always loved being a girl, dreaming about myself as one, loving make up and stuff like that but I was a bit of a tomboy growing up.

I liked dolls and pretend kitchens and stuff but I also liked pokemon and sports. I still am a tomboy in the way I dress. I love jeans and jumpers but I want to wear dresses I just don't have the confidence. I have really low self esteem. I've always had a massive crush on every hot boy I saw so I am sure I'm straight but sometimes I don't mind the idea of being with a girl, but is that just hocd? When I started college the boy thoughts went away for about a year and then when I left they came back. It started off as a cycle of all three obsessions, the arousal, lesbian and then boy.

I wasn't thinking of the other two when one was on my mind. For the past 6 months I have only been having the boy thoughts and it's making me miserable. It makes me feel weird in my body and stops me from being able to enjoy everything I used to. I don't recognise myself in the mirror sometimes and I feel really disconnected from myself and my mind and body.

Anything with the topic of transgender or gender fluid triggers these thoughts so I try to avoid things it could be mentioned on. These thoughts make me feel physically sick and I've actually been up all night being sick and crying before because of it. I started associating everything with it, things I do, what I say and even questioning myself a lot about thing in the past. It makes me question everything and starts to make me believe in it and makes me start thinking I could be gender fluid or something but then it doesn't feel right.

I have little bits of relief when watching something that reminds me of my old self or looking at old conversations. But it makes me feel like I can't have a future because I'll end up as something I don't want to be. I'm so scared of it all, I'm talking to a therapist online but he hasn't diagnosed anything and I don't know what to do anymore, it is ruining my life. Any help?

.