So about me, I am 21 yrs old, I live in the US and I have suffered with OCD for the majority of my life. I remember when I was 7-8 years old, I would do certain things, and think certain things. Whenever I would see or hear about a sad situation in which an animal or human being is involved; for example, if I saw an injured bird or any type of animal, homeless person, I would draw them down in my mental book of happiness... Yeah, I don't know why but I thought that if I did that, those things or people would live happily ever after. That made me feel better, so I did it. I would also count things more than once, double check, spell out words/sound them out, tap on things! Those types of behaviors. I would question why I did them, and it was embarrassing to me, too. I was aware that I did that, but I just thought everyone was like that. Also, I would like to add that I was traumatized as a kid. My friends and cousins, some family members, they would scare me. I guess they got a good laugh from it, I didn't like it. Other more terrifying things did happen to me, but I wont go into those because they're too extreme
So they would like to tell me things like, the devil is going to get you, or a ghost, or at the time, the girl from the exorcist. They made me watch a lot of scary movies and just do things like that. If I didn't do as they said, they would call me names and it was just terrible, so I guess I was bullied too. Fast forward 5-6 years, I was in a better place for a while. I was still avoiding things that would cause me fear or anxiety. I had triggers like, avoiding certain numbers, letters, colors, words, drawings, etc. Anything that had to do with evil things would cause me to panic. I would have the hardest time forgetting things like scary movies, shows, drawings, pictures. If I did watch a movie, I would constantly have that in my head for days, sometimes weeks. Moving on!! I started noticing floaters (the debris in one's eyes) for the first time. They freaked me out so much! I started feeling anxious whenever I saw them, so I would always think of them. I fell into a deep depression, and the anxiety wasn't too great either. I would go to bed thinking of them and wake up thinking of them. I guess I was like that because they were and are always there. So at that time, I didn't know what was going on, I thought I had cancer or something. It was so distressing because they wouldn't go away, and I wanted SO bad for them to just go away. Just like intrusive thoughts, they wouldn't go away. I felt like I would never recover from the depression and anxiety and that I would always feel like that and never feel happiness (kind of how I feel now, but I will explain that later). Eventually my eye doctor said it was normal and that my eyes were healthy and the depression went away.
Now the current me. So over the years I have experienced everything that OCD has to offer. I have a list, but I fear that it is too long so I will list only some of them. I've had and worried about, false memories, harming loved ones, sexual situations or thoughts towards others (this really scared me because I knew deep down that I would never do anything so horrid), checking, aware of swallowing/heartbeat, twitching, intrusive thoughts, rereading, reassurance, pedophilia, schizophrenia, having every single illness and that I was going to die!!!! You name it, I've probably had it. Also, I believed everything anyone said or told me. Even if the topics or things said were silly or irrational. My OCD had me believing SO HARD that everything that I was thinking was absolutely true.
Anyway, I would like to talk about my current obsessive intrusive thought/image. So the thought or image that I have in my head at the moment is about my ex-colleague's face. Well as I said above, as a kid I was tormented everyday and that led me to avoid evil things, and well my ex-colleague was a Satanist. When I first found out, I was shocked. I would avoid him because well I was raised not to involve myself with those things or people because it was wrong. My family was very religious and some of them still are. I was told these things as a child and I did believe what the adults told me. I just simply thought that he was going to harm me or my family in any way or that he was going to curse me or something like that. He was pretty much private with that part of his life, and wouldn't really bring it up. He was polite and never said anything to upset me. It was just my way of thinking. You can believe anything you want, or live your life however you choose. I don't know if I was just ignorant and judged him right away because of that. BUT the anxiety was very real, so I would avoid. I had been working there for 2 years, this year would have been my third but, I had a panic attack and I had to quit. The panic attack was just from anxiety or I thought something and something happened, I DON't KNOW! Anyway, that was one of the worst panic attacks that I ever had. I thought I was going to die, so right after my OCD kicked in and told me that maybe it could have been him that somehow caused it. I dismissed that right away, however, that panic attack left me pretty shaken up and I didn't want to feel like that ever, so I got to thinking and ugh... So at first I would imagine his face and then the anxiety would come creeping in, and then more intrusive thoughts. I felt like I wouldn't be able to focus on anything other than his face whenever I did something. And I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life like that, thinking in that way. I felt anxious and depressed and just overwhelmed that I wanted to rip my hair out because I couldn't stop imaging his face. It has been a couple of days and I'm not on that his face thing anymore. Right now I fear more that I will always feel like this, that I will never get better, that at every chance of happiness or as soon as I forget about that intrusive thought, my OCD will be right there to tell me, NO! remember those bad thoughts and his face, and then I would fall back into the cycle. I really thought about it and its silly, it's a sill intrusive thought. However, the FEAR or anxiety is still there and very real, along with the depression.I don't know why I think this way, or if I will ever get better. Some of the other symptoms that I've had are depersonalization, panic attacks, other things. All I know is that I want my old, less anxious life back. I am not going to give up, I will do whatever to get better. I will also like to add that I have either overactive or under active thyroid disease. I have another appointment for that, but my doctor said that because of it, I could feel more anxious. I first noticed it 1-2 years ago, and have had it checked. Also, a lot of stress at that job, and just stress in general. What I want out of this is not reassurance, but to know that I'm not alone and that someone has gone through something similar. Maybe I could want reassurance from this, I don't know. I would like some feedback from you guys, or anyone. I hope someone reads this, otherwise I'm going to feel very alone
Thanks for reading if you have made it this far. I would like to read your experience and maybe ya'll could recommend treatment advice or if I should see a therapist. I self diagnosed myself. well I wish you all the best! Thanks!
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