I don't know my own thoughts. Please reply, you guys.

I've struggled with intrusive thoughts for about 2 years now, but recently I've been really struggling one in particular. The thought I'm struggling with happened maybe over a year ago but about a week ago I started thinking about it and questioned if it was intrusive. I'm scared it was voluntary because I feel like my thought process went like this. "Ok hey I'm gonna think about this thing- WAIT WHAT NO THAT'S HORRIBLE" and usually with my intrusive thoughts I am suddenly overcome with them and I am immediately horrified. Could it still have been intrusive? I feel like the one I'm thinking about over and over wasn't intrusive because of the thought process. I feel like a horrible person. I feel like I'll never be sure whether or not it was intrusive and I'm just so tired of it all. I always feel like I'm being tested.

I've also been suffering with DP/DR recently and it makes me perceive things differently and question everything and I feel like I'm questioning whether my intrusive thoughts really are right or wrong. I know they're wrong but DP/DR is making my doubt so much because I perceive things differently.

So was it an intrusive thought? Can intrusive thoughts feel like they were voluntary? I'm honestly so messed up about all of this. I don't know why I'm suddenly thinking about it so much when I can't even remember over thinking it the first time I got it. Please help me, guys...