Pure-O? I'm so scared I'm a bad person. PLEASE HELP ME :(

I really need help and I'm so scared I have pure O. I'm 19 and only started developing symptoms a few months ago and now it's overwhelming. I'm obsessed and terrified by the thought that I'm gonna be a sexual offender. It's a ridiculous thought but I can't stop thinking that it's true. I'it started when I got upset over an episode of sexual curiosity when I was around 14 I think. I shared a bed with my nephew who is 6 years younger than me and one night I touched his penis and put his hand on mine because I was very curious about what it was like to touch and be touched. I was a very innocent child, didn't even kiss someone till I was 18!! But anyway this was a ONE TIME thing and was done purely outta curiosity. I never planned on doing it and never felt attracted to him and only did it because we shared my bed. I wouldn't have done it if he wasn't in my bed. Then a few months ago I started to convince myself that I was a child molester, abuser and a paedophile. This really upset me so much and nearly made me suicidal. I spoke to my therapist and even the Samaritans and they assured me I wasn't any of those things but now I'm still scared that I committed a horrible crime and sin and that I'm holding a terrible evil secret. I feel that I don't deserve any good things or happiness and that I deserve to be in prison. I get lucid thoughts then where I know I'm blowing it outta proportion and I'm not bad but I then tell myself I'm only making excuses for my behaviour and trying to make excuses for my terrible thing I've done. It makes me so depressed and I already have anxiety and depression for years. I feel like I'm a liar and if my family found out they'd hate me and everyone would hate me. I feel so horrible and the sad part is that I know I'm a really really good person who wouldn't and never did hurt anyone intentionally. I just can't stop obsessing over the thought that I'm an evil criminal monster who deserve nothing but punishment and hell. I keep comparing myself to abusers and child molesters/paedophile like Josh Duggar and Jimmy Savile. I HATE myself over feeling this way and these thoughts.

You probably know how I am going to answer, because I think you understand you haven't done anything wrong. But I know how our obsessive thoughts can bring us down.

What happened between you and your nephew (wow, you must have a very older sister or brother), happens a LOT in younger kids.

But it is clear you are suffering something outside of this, and this particular issue is coming for the ride, and used as ammunition to sabotage yourself.

I'm sorry for your pain. I would try and work with your therapist to create tools you can use in these times. If you haven't seen a Psych, maybe now is the time.

Otter.

Thanks for your reply.
Something I didn't add into the post was that when I touched his penis he was asleep and still to this day doesn't know what I did. That's makes me feel so bad I think. My sister is 30 now but when she 16 she got pregnant with my nephew. He was like a brother to me because I was 6 when he was born and we basically grew up together in the same house.

teardrop_ wrote:Thanks for your reply.
Something I didn't add into the post was that when I touched his penis he was asleep and still to this day doesn't know what I did. That's makes me feel so bad I think.

I know how you feel. I understand that because he was sleeping can make you feel worse. When we are being self-damning over an event, we tend to pick and choose how we perceive the event, discarding parts that make it more reasonable, like: you really didn't harm your nephew in any way.

I remember those days of suffering like you do now. My family and friends didn't understand how I could be the way I was when the facts clearly indicated that there was no foul in what I did.

But we are complex creatures, and things aren't so easily "cleaned up".

Have some compassion for yourself. Try to ease up on being hard on yourself. It will get better. It did for me.

Otter.

Thanks for your kind words. Can I ask what it was you felt bad over?? Are our situations similar?

teardrop_ wrote: Are our situations similar?

Yes. Except mine was prolonged.

teardrop_ wrote: Can I ask what it was you felt bad over??

Oops, I missed this.

It was fooling around (not intercourse, or anything that serious) with someone close to the family, when we were both very young. We were both about the same age.