Suffering with HOCD for two years now. Feel like giving up

Been straight my whole life. Have made out with over 50 girls, have had sex with 14, am a 21 year old male. All started at 19 when I noticed I had weaker erections to porn. Ever since then I have had gay thoughts of me being penetrated or giving oral sex to a guy every single day. Before this first thought I was confident in my sexuality. Never had a second thought about it. Loved going out and getting with girls. I even went to an all guys high school and been with dudes naked in the locker room and never once thought twice about anything. I started using porn at 12 years old.

I remember when the sight of a woman's cleavage use to get me excited, now nothing. I exhibit all signs of hocd, I constantly analyze the way I act, talk, dress and look for signs of homosexuality. My brain will use anything as proof that I'm gay. I am bombarded everyday with flashbacks of porn and jacked dudes and their penises. I can't even fantasize like I use too about women without an intrusive gay thought coming in my head. My fantasies are always replaced by another guys penis instead of mine, or of me being pentrated. These thoughts cause me an anxiety type of rush, which if I concentrate enough on my groin cause me partial erections.

I don't want to wake up anymore. I miss the way I use to be attracted to women. I have been to therapy and an ocd specialist who had diagnosed me with OCD. He wanted me to take meds but I refuse at the time because I didn't want it to kill my sex drive with my girlfriend. Everyday is a struggle from the minute I get out of bed I am bombarded by these thoughts. It has cost me a relationship and so much joy I can be having out of life. I don't want to be social anymore.


I am constantly in my head analyzing myself from the outside. I have this paranoia that people perceive me as gay because I am an extremely good looking guy (not too gas myself up). I just don't know what to do anymore. I have tried everything. How can I be a man with these thoughts. All I ever wanted was a beautiful wife and family who I can protect and provide for. But these thoughts emasculate me. I feel skinny, weak, non assertive. How will my son in the future be able to look at me as a man if I still have these intrusive thoughts? I am hopeless. Just to add, I am the least homophobic person you'll ever meet. I believe in equality for all people of all sexual orientstions .

I see nothing wrong with being gay and don't have a problem with gay people. It's just the else thoughts are completely the opposite of who I am. They come from a little voice in my head that always puts me down, always says I'm gay no matter what I do. I am starting to feel more and more suicidal as days go by because I can't take it anymore . I want to go out and live life and have sex with girls like I always wanted to do. But I can't . Because these thoughts keep me isolated, depressed, in my head. The only positive thing is that I have stopped watching porn and masturbating. I am 60 days without porn and orgasm. I have seen better days being off porn. Days where I see a drastic reduction in HOCD thoughts and I feel horny again towards real women. Except its never constant . It will happen for 3 days in a row, and then I'm right back into the spiral of HOCD thoughts and depression. I don't know if this hell will ever end

Major spike post Jqm1445