***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

I was talking to my therapist about my thoughts and I can almost realize how ridiculous I sound... Almost.

I was reading through some post and I was like "why can't I find anybody with symptoms like mine" than I thought oh God I really want to be... Not straight but than I said well no you just want reassurance. It's quiet funny I've really had this urge to suck a guys.. you know what, but at the same time I don't know if I could actually do that or not. I'm so envious of people with ocd everybody has doubts and there absolutely certain that they dislike there obsessions yet with me... I don't know. What I do know is that when I feel primarily straight I feel so happy, like whatever shackles that where holding me down have been released, but alas good things don't last forever, eventually I start feeling more gay and I get depressed I start saying "I wish I wasn't like this". I wish I wasn't attracted to men I know it's wishful thinking but I hope this is OCD. But men are so attractive I can literally pinpoint exactly why I'm obsessive it seems most people with ocd can't.


What is it God is it OCD or is it sexual identity because I honestly can't tell at all and if it is sexuality related, well than f off for handing me this cruel fate.

I can't even logic my way out of this I want to tell myself I'm not attracted to men, yet my eyes don't lie hahaha.

I feel like I'm in the worst predicament possible why can't I just be comfortable with the homosexual portions of me that do exist, yeah ok maybe I don't want to do the nasty with a guy but how about the rest of it, just why oh why can't I be comfortable it's so hard I just want to be comfortable I swear being gay these days sounds better than what I'm going through. (sorry if I triggered anyone)

Sorry for making so many posts I just like to vent I'm not sure if it helps me but I still like to do so

I just realized that I tend to get good feelings at the idea of being talking with my therapist about accepting these thoughts and feelings though I'm not so sure what this means don't it kind of makes me a tad more anxious

I’m feeling the absolute worst today so someone on a discord server that I’m part of was found to be sexually roleplaying with a minor a few years ago. They were a minor themselves, both now and at the time, but I feel so sick. Someone had mentioned loli when talking about it and I felt myself just freeze. None of them know the true extent of my OCD and what triggered it this past time but I feel more disgusted with myself than ever before. A small part of me wants to tell them what happened but I know it won’t be received well, because in no way will it look like an accident on my part. Even if I tell them that I would never hurt anyone nor ever had the desire to, I just know it will not be received well. So I’m never going to tell them. It’s not an all the time thing, only occasionally. And I only didn’t start feeling super scared and horrible about it until this spike started. Before that it was a horrible something I just vowed to take to my grave. For the millionth time I wish I had never looked at that damn shota. Part of me wonders if I really didn’t know or understand what it was or I was just telling myself that. I know I’ve never wanted this.

And it increasingly feels like I’m becoming used to the thought or starting to consider if I actually want them with each passing day. I don’t want this. I really don’t want this. I don’t want this to be happening. I wish I had never looked at that stuff.

It used to be if I imagined anything sexual it was with guys I knew were my age or older, always. Now if I try it’ll always try to insert a kid, a minor, or just try and say that an of age person is a minor.

Also part of me wonders if I have developed a sex addiction without noticing. I don’t ever think I have, like I don’t ever feel like I NEED to masturbate or that I’m desperate. But sometimes I’ll have this thought like “you’ll do anything to get off, won’t you?” But I never follow through with it.

Feeling bleh today. This morning I went and took my car to get an oil change, and when I went to pick it up there was a lady getting something out of the back seat of her suv. I looked over and saw two little feet near the bottom, and for some strange reason my mind thought she was changing a diaper and I felt a strong urge to look for some reason?????? Why????? That’s not right?????

It kinda stuck with me for most of the day, and just as I felt I was getting past it, I dunno I suddenly I guess started testing myself to see if I did like any of these thoughts that I’ve had and I felt this part of me that comforted me (by feeling like it was a part of me that was still vehemently against the thoughts) just disappear, and now if I try to reassure myself that I’m not I feel like a freaking liar and don’t even feel like I know if I’m not anymore :/

This probably all looks like a crock of nonsense to the rest of you. And I know, I’m reassuring myself, bad bad bad. I know I’ve probably had this kind of thing happen in previous months (that’s how this thing always works).

I’m just so confused and feel awful

And now I’m getting false feelings (at least I really hope they are false) about a kid in a video game I’m currently playing. I’m pretty sure I’ve never had this before with this particular character, although my brain is telling me I have before. I don’t think I have, and really hope I haven’t. I don’t want it regardless. I was kinda able to shake it off last night like right after this kid appeared in the game and somehow reassured myself there was nothing to worry about, but I’ve just been thinking about it off and on today and feeling worse about it as time goes on

But like I said I know I haven’t felt this before with this character, and in fact I’m usually largely indifferent to him. Hell sometimes I’m a little resentful of him because of choices I made in an earlier game that led to his existence (from these choices his father is my character’s love interest, but I’ve been planning some things to circumvent this in my headcanon). And the funny thing is I’ve seen countless drawings of him and never had any sort of reaction to it, but when he actually appears in game this suddenly happens???? You make no sense OCD, and I wish you would stop it

My demon brain: no you don’t. You’ve grown used to it so much that you want it to stick around.
Me: I’m not listening, la la la la la

-- Wed Dec 01, 2021 10:33 pm --

And now I’m getting false feelings (at least I really hope they are false) about a kid in a video game I’m currently playing. I’m pretty sure I’ve never had this before with this particular character, although my brain is telling me I have before. I don’t think I have, and really hope I haven’t. I don’t want it regardless. I was kinda able to shake it off last night like right after this kid appeared in the game and somehow reassured myself there was nothing to worry about, but I’ve just been thinking about it off and on today and feeling worse about it as time goes on

But like I said I know I haven’t felt this before with this character, and in fact I’m usually largely indifferent to him. Hell sometimes I’m a little resentful of him because of choices I made in an earlier game that led to his existence (from these choices his father is my character’s love interest, but I’ve been planning some things to circumvent this in my headcanon). And the funny thing is I’ve seen countless drawings of him and never had any sort of reaction to it, but when he actually appears in game this suddenly happens???? You make no sense OCD, and I wish you would stop it

My demon brain: no you don’t. You’ve grown used to it so much that you want it to stick around.
Me: I’m not listening, la la la la la

-- Wed Dec 01, 2021 10:40 pm --

I don’t know why that posted twice…

Aaaaaand of course after I had a pleasant dream (sort of, considering we were in a dangerous area) I had a thought along the lines of “you like and want the thoughts” and had a feeling like my “heart” agreed and now I feel bad. I was already kinda feeling bad because of like SO OCD crap :/ eugh

I think it’s one of those times where OCD is just throwing anything it can at me. Just a while ago I was listening to a streamer playing the new Pokémon game and I got an overwhelming feeling of wanting to find romance in that game, but most of the characters are kids, and my brain was like “so?” And it got me worried. Ugh I hate this.

Ahh sorry I’ve been posting so frequently. I just feel like I need to vent. And yes I know this is technically a compulsion. You would think if I wanted to get better I would stop, but it’s like an addiction.

I just feel so gross. It’s like I feel as though what I know has made me happy before was fake, when I’m pretty sure it’s not. And feeling like im just actively just accepting the thoughts as fact and feeling none of the resistance that I used to feel, which had comforted me :/ which is funny because I know I had a dream the night before last involving my more recent celeb crush, and it was very lovely. And of course I’ve got the peanut gallery that is OCD saying “yeah and? Doesn’t change the ‘facts’”

Ugh if I try to do my repeating compulsion of saying “I’m NOT a pedophile” I keep getting this thing trying to constantly interject like “why are you still doing this? You know you are” and other things along that vein. Like a feeling that I’ve just given up and am just fighting it to “keep up appearances” which I don’t think so? And then the feeling like I’ve learned to like the thoughts and feelings, it just feels like Im saturated in that :/

In all actuality I’m probably just exhausted from constantly doing this.

Ugh and I keep getting interjected thoughts of those damn shota comics and I hate it. I just feel all around not like myself and I feel like a horrible monster (even though I know I never actually did anything).