***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

I can't remember if you're currently seeing a therapist or counselor, but you know you ought to be, if you're not... I hate seeing you spend your best years on these fears, sweetie.

I don’t know what’s going on with me right now. It keeps fluctuating between “I feel like I’m a pedo and I hate it” and “I don’t feel like one, thank god” but I don’t get the warm happy feelings that I get around guys my age or older anymore and it feels like my brain is now wired to be like “no you never liked that, you’ve always liked minors.” I don’t understand what’s going on. I know realistically it can’t actually change anything (at least I really hope not. It almost feels like something did change and I hate every bit of it” I was happy as I was, put me back like that. And my brains like “no you weren’t. You were faking it” or it just straight up “forgot” what the feeling felt like.

I know I wasn’t hallucinating all that.

I think part of what screws me up is I saw a post someone made about how some in the closet people “choose” who to have a “crush” on and like are even convinced of it themselves after a while and I worry that’s what’s happening. I worry that I was just pretending and I made myself like older guys. Not just with the pedo thing but like just guys in general. But then why have I daydreamed about meeting my celeb crush copious times and loving every minute of it? Why have I fantasized about the cliche rock star and fan falling in love with each other and loving it?

Also I feel like…like I can’t just feel anything anymore, that my brain immediately goes into analyze mode and like everything got really meta for some reason. I’m just really really confused and feeling things I really really don’t want to feel. I just wanna go back to how I used to be and be normal again. (Now I really don’t want that last bit to be read like I’m only caring about what society wants. I really don’t want to be this. I guess I should say “I want to be MY normal again”. This is not MY normal)

Yes I do have therapy, but she was out of the office this week. I did message her during my breakdown. We’ll talk this week and see what happens.

But my brain feels all scrambled and out of sorts.

Yep that's it I'm depressed again I honestly sometimes don't like it when I occasionally lose my attraction to men it's weird I don't but at the same time I can't imagine living my life being attracted.to men though I can't conceive of a world where these feelings and thoughts are gone and even if they did I'd still be able to have my head looking over the fence into LGBTQ-ism earlier today I was angry for not being able to just be ok with it and it kind of scares me because that doesn't sound like ocd but nothing I'm dealing with sounds like OCD

I'm going to my doctor's in few days and I'm really scared I have this urge to omit certain details from the doctor, I know I shouldn't and I'm going to try my best to talk about how I'm feeling, but how do I say I find men attractive and I've thought about men while masterbating without it sounding like an identity crises. I mean surely anybody with OCD reading this would think that I don't have OCD and as much as my brain wants me to think that it's OCD I always have to tell it that it's not. I honestly feel better believing that it's not OCD than thinking it is, anyway getting off topic. There is no way that my doctor will think it's OCD, now I was diagnosed 3 years ago so maybe she'll use that diagnosis in her judgement but still im not relying on that I literally masterbate to men. Sexually I'm not the same person I was 6 months ago. I'm just scared because I'm going to become hopeless and depressed "welp I guess that's how things are" is what I'll have to say, I'm honestly more worried that it's going to be mixture between OCD and a sexual identity crises.

I'm OCD, and I'm bisexual, and I think you have OCD in spades.

Don't omit anything when you speak with them, please!

Today's been somewhat rough I hope I can have a semblance of normality at some point in the future, I don't know I feel like one of those people that are told there something all there lives than one day they figure out that there not that thing so there whole perception of themselves has changed, I hate that I find men attractive, I want things to go back to normal but at the same time part of me doesn't want that to happen. How do I put this... in the past six months I've been able to look over onto the other side of the border and in fact I accidentally fell over somewhat and now a part of my body is on this side not all of it just a part of it and more than I'm comfortable with I want to go back onto the side of the border that I was on and my hope is that with time and patience I'll be able to climb over but at the same time the part of me that is on that side doesn't enjoy as much as I use to even if I can go back over I'll still know how war torn this side is and that will always be with me and I'll never be able to experience freedom and prosperity in the same way I did before (if I'll ever be able to experience.it again) part of me doesn't.want to and I think I might.enjoy war I'm not given the opportunity.to fight so when I try to envision it my mind it feels kind of good which I hate but at the same time I don't think I'll ever be able to fight to my fullest extent (in other words I get angry that I can't just go through the concept.of Intercourse with a guy and I just want to do it because I know how I feel I know that I'm attracted.but I can't do it)and that makes me angry, envious, depressed and hopeless.

I hope that wasn't to confusing lol

I go between feeling like it could be ocd and feeling like it's not and when I feel less anxious the attraction to men is still there sadly. I swear my life is ruined I don't look forward to things anymore, I don't want to do anything and I just like men in someway as well. I get annoyed at my attractions to women as well. Sexuality just makes me feel sick these days. Whenever I see a attractive person it makes me anxious. My life for the past 7 months has been hell why does it have to be this way l. I'll never be the same again. It saddens me to read the post on this site (and on others) they all seem so confident that they dislike there thoughts, I don't, I do like my thoughts kind of it makes me so envious that people are able to be like that. I wish I didn't like them.

I hate posting but I can't resist the urge

I would honestly be more miserable getting over this than staying in the depressing and stressful state I'm in now because at the end of the day I'll still remember what it's like to find a man attractive the MEMORY will still be in my mind no matter what happens that will always be there and there is NOTHING I'll be able to do about it but hey it's consistent with my old desires I guess Asians men are the most attractive people out there. I'm so angry why did my mother have to give birth to me at such a young age she could of had an abortion why does life got to be so cruel. Though part of me thinks it was obvious even when I was 14 people with ocd wouldnt. Find men/women attractive I since my first episode have always admired men, though it was only during the episodes when that was the case, I just want to get rid of my libido or whatever controls sexuality, I've come to hate everything sexual.

I hate that I’ll be playing a video game and suddenly feel like I remember having an inappropriate thought about kids in this specific location of the game, but yet I don’t really remember ever having one. If that makes any sense. I hate that I have this feeling of “you’ve always liked that” when I know it’s not true. And I hate that I get these feelings that I’m actually considering, which before I would get so upset and sick to my stomach. I know it’s the OCD just being like “yeah you’re not anxious enough it must mean you like it”. I know I’ve definitely never had fantasies about kids or teens. If I did have any about teens it would have been when I was a teen myself. And I don’t ever really remember having any.
I hate that I’ve become so much less certain than I used to be. I know, it’s what OCD does. And I hate it.

I’ve also been Lowkey worrying I’ve developed a sex addiction, but I don’t really think I have. I mean I do read a lot of things that involve sex, but I’ve never had the constant feeling like I can’t go without it. I will have days where I’m just not in the mood for anything sexual and just wanna read purely cute adorable things.

I still kick myself about having ever looked at that Shota, because I know if I had never done that I wouldn’t be in this awful situation. But again I know I can’t say that for certain, since I could have ended up with the theme anyway, but I just know that that’s where it started. I feel like I have been traumatized, and in a way I guess I have. OCD is traumatizing.

Here I am again:

I was supposed to go to the doctor 's 2-3 weeks ago but my mom and I both forgot about it so I'll be going next Friday it's going to be the longest week of my life

I feel like people with ocd have a vague fear of something specific, like I could end up fearing that I'm going to fall into a sinkhole for instance I have no evidence that this will happen but the mere possibility would be enough for me to freak out. I don't feel like that he'll I don't even fear it I know exactly why I'm stressing out and it's over an attraction to men I hate it I hate men because of it and the worst part about it all is I still find women attractive.