***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Kaleb28 wrote:I don't excessively worry about being gay/bi I excessively worry that I won't go back to normal

That seems to be a contradictory statement. If you really are Gay/Bi, then 'normal' wasn't normal, at all.

And if you're not excessively worrying about being Gay or Bi, then why worry?

I've tried not yeilding to my compulsions for the past 10 minutes and I feel imensly stressed

1. Because the things I fear seem more plausible (i.e. intercourse with a guy seems more titillating which is making me depressed)

2. (Essentially just point number one) it feel more likely that these attractions, disgust and erotic thoughts will stay with me forever

But in spite of that I'm trying to not to yeild and this just sucks but hopefully it'll be a productive step in the right direction.

God i feel that. Any time I think about “letting go” and just letting the thoughts exist I feel like my brain is saying “see, you’re finally admitting you’re a pedo and you like it, was that so bad?”

Yes. Yes it is. I don’t want that.

[OCD peanut gallery in the background]: are you suuuuuure you still don’t want that??

Pretty sure, now shut the ###$ up. What part of “I was happy ogling and fantasizing over older men and men my age” do you not understand. Don’t answer that. I know you understand it and don’t care cause you suck.

Sometimes I feel like my brain has that expression that really dumb cartoon characters have when they’re at peak idiot: big closed-lipped smile with visible cheeks and looking cross-eyed, sometimes with their tongue sticking out and it’s like “I’m HeLpInG”.

Argh. I feel horrible. Like I just accepted that this is who I am now and I’m “content” with it. I hate that. I know it was never like this before. And every time I think about the older guys I was attracted to it’s like I feel like “meh” if that makes any sense.

Also doesn’t help that my stomach hurts. I know it’s unrelated. And I know I’m essentially keeping myself miserable by continuing to ruminate and question. God for a moment I thought to finish that with the word “deny” and now I feel very uncomfortable. I don’t think I’m in denial. If I was, why did I feel immense relief when I ruminated to conclude I wasn’t a pedo?? And like you said Snaga, I really haven’t done anything to make one think that I am, but I feel like I have just by these thoughts existing. I hate that they exist. I really wish they didn’t.

But the thoughts do- so you must learn to ignore them, sweetie. My harm thoughts only have the power to make me scared, if I don't ignore them....

I had the overwhelming feeling of “if I just let the thoughts be I’ll still feel like I actually like the thoughts and what they could mean”. I still have that immense fear that I learned that I do like the thoughts and still having the feelings like that’s what happening and I’m just in denial. But I know I felt disgusted and uncomfortable by it before and I wouldn’t have felt so sick to my stomach when the spike first started if it were true and I wouldn’t have felt relief at ruminating to the conclusion that I wasn’t one. And I feel like I’ve had all these “memories” of liking this stuff and being “curious” about it but I don’t think they are real memories because I don’t remember having them earlier into this spike but like you’ve said before Snaga, I don’t think I feel drawn to any of that stuff (I say I don’t think because OCD has made me question that before, and is in fact doing that right now). I’m pretty sure I’ve always felt drawn to older men or men my age, and didn’t feel the least bit sorry for admitting that I liked older guys.

Ahh I’m sorry I’m spiraling right now.

Still kinda spiraling unfortunately :/ feels like it’s got me backed into a corner and no matter what I try (as far as bad checking and ruminating of course) it just feels like some part of me is like “why are you still trying to fight this. You know you’re an actual now, you’ve started liking the thoughts, you’re just delaying the inevitable. Don’t even bother trying to say you had crushes on older men or men your age because that doesn’t matter now, and in fact you were just pretending those times anyway”

But I’m pretty sure I still don’t like the thoughts I’m pretty sure I never had these thoughts. I definitely know that if I hadn’t looked at that damn Shota I wouldn’t be in this f*****g mess. And I know if I looked at nearly every attractive guy my brain never used to be like “oh yeah they’re definitely underage”. I know I’ve fantasized about older guys and those fantasies made me feel good.

I just feel so defeated. I know the truest way to get past this is to not care and not give the thoughts attention but why do I feel like if I do that I’ll find out I actually do like the thoughts. Trick question, it’s probably the OCD doing that too.

It just feels like I’ve fully accepted it now and that I genuinely do like the thoughts. I feel so sick and I want to cry. I know I NEVER wanted this before! I know realistically it can’t turn me into an actual but why does it feel like it really has??? Or why does it feel like I sat with the thoughts for so long that I started warming up to the thoughts.

I don’t want to hurt children. I don’t want to have these inappropriate thoughts. I know I’ve only had thoughts about older men and enjoyed them. And I’m not lying. I KNOW I felt relief when I ruminated and concluded that I wasn’t attracted to minors. I KNOW I’ve felt really happy if I dreamed about being with a celeb crush (all of whom were older than me). I know I’ve daydreamt about those cliche moments in movies and meeting “the one” and having one-night-stands. NEVER with minors or kids. EVER.

To be honest Snaga, when you insinuated I liked Shota that one time really upset me and I think sent me spiraling further. I’m not blaming you, I’m just being truthful. I hate that it’s making me feel like I’m just pretending to be upset and just pretending that I still don’t want or like it.

I thought you did! And I also think it wouldn't matter if you did.

It doesn't matter what it feels like- that it feels as if you like the thoughts- if you did, why the protestations on an anonymous forum? You'd be making excuses for them, wouldn't you? Excuses to dwell on them, not to be rid of them. You have to accept the thoughts are there, in my opinion, because it's pointless trying to not think about something- but that in no way means you have to accept the thoughts are true. I do not accept the veracity of my harm thoughts- I only accept they're there, then I proceed to ignore them.

But why does it feel like I do why does it feel like because I’ve had these thoughts for so long that part of me is practically considering them

I was crying so much and pleading with the universe to not let me become one. I actually called the suicide prevention hotline earlier in blubbering hysterics.

God this has probably been sad and painful to watch me slowly descend into hysterics over the past year hasn’t it. And it’s my own damn fault because I just refuse to listen. I just can’t make myself not care. I know I have to, but it seems impossible. I know these feelings are probably not real but they feel like they are.