***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Right. I mentioned what I had typed earlier to my therapist today and he said something very similar.

You know if there’s one thing I can definitely say about you, Snaga, is that you always give me the opportunity to learn new words XD

My OCD makes me feel like I have to automatically know everyone’s age at all times, even without talking to a person, which is impossible. Especially on the internet and social media, where people are known to lie about their age. I’ll even admit I did that a few times too, in order to create an account to post my artwork (aka saying I was a lot older than I was. I was like 13 at the time) and to make my first YouTube account (which has long since been deleted cause the videos I made for it are embarrassing and cringy XD). I had also mentioned about the paranoia about youtubers being found out as pedophiles too, and that OCD will try to attach that to literally anyone in order to make me go “well I liked this person and/or their content before I found this out, what does that say about me?”

OCD is like those conspiracy theorists with the cork boards with photos and strings trying to make connections where there is none. Loose associations as my therapist would say.

Oh god. I was watching the latest Phil DeFranco video and apparently there’s been a huge things where people are finding trafficked minors and children and revenge porn and rape videos on PornHub. I mean it’s naive of me to think that wouldn’t exist on there, but from what it sounds like it’s pretty extensive. And I’m lowkey panicking. I don’t think I’ve ever watched any of those. I will admit ive been on PH before. I know I’ve never come across any videos that looked like they had children or minors in the thumbnails, and I’ve never nor will I ever want to actively look for those. And if I ever saw that the title of a video had “teen” in it I would stay as far away from it as possible. And now my OCD has me questioning if I ever did watch anything like that without knowing (obviously I would know if it had children in it. Like I said, I’ve never ever seen anything like that, and I’m very glad I haven’t). But now it has me worried.

What the hell is it with all these news stories recently??? Why do they all have to include this thing that my OCD is obsessing over??? It was like this with my TOCD and HOCD too! Just what the everloving hell man???

Okay, I’m calmer now. But the worry is still there. Like how do I know some of the videos I did watch weren’t mislabeled on purpose to avoid the poster getting in trouble and I did watch something I really shouldn’t have without knowing.

The best thing to do, I know, would be to be like “hey, I see you, thought. Maybe I did, and maybe I didn’t. I have no way of knowing, and I’m okay with that.” But I’m still scared of doing it. Like I said before, knowing how exposures are supposed to work and actually doing them are two different things.

A thing my therapist said is to also separate the shame and guilt I have from looking at those shota hentai. I don’t know how I can do that other than being like “hey, that’s a thing I did in the past. I’m not proud of it, but I can’t change the past, as much as I would like to.”

One thing is for sure, I don’t think I will be going back to PH anytime soon, or at all. As much as I liked some of the gay stuff there (man x man, and they were definitely of age), it’s not really a healthy thing. Especially if it can be potentially very easy to find very bad things on there. No thank you. I think I got very lucky, or at least I was conscious enough to some potential of finding things like that that I actively steered as far away from it as I could.

On a side note, apparently people have found complete uncut movies there. Like I’m talking non sexual, movies you’d go see in the theatre or watch on Netflix. Someone saw Star Wars Revenge of the Sith there. That’s a hell of a way to watch movies for free, and it’s kind of amusing.

Okay, so I was wracking my brain for why it was somewhat easier to get past POCD the last time I had an episode. I think I figured out a big part of the reason: I was still on my high dosage of sertraline (Zoloft). After seeing a new psychiatrist and trying other meds before ultimately going back to sertraline, I was put at a lower dosage.

Last time I had a bad POCD spike I was at 300mgs. Now I’m down to 100mgs, and taking it has been very spotty as of late. Actually I’ve pretty much been not taking it at all for the past several months. Part of it is cause I kept forgetting (and also forgetting to set alarms, I’m trying to look into getting tested for ADHD, since my memory can be horrible at the worst possible times), and now more recently I have no insurance because my mom lost her job and I was on hers. So yeah.

And yes I know it’s not good to be doing that with these kinds of medications.

But then again I was doing sort of alright without it (then again I was lowkey doing compulsions all the time). I don’t know.

I just don’t know anymore. Everything feels the same. It makes me feel like it was wrong to have crushes on Leon from Sword and Shield and Claude from Fire Emblem (post time skip), even though they are both clearly in their 20s. It makes me feel like having a crush on Hanzo from overwatch is wrong, even though the dude is in his 30s! It makes me feel like I never had a crush on Markiplier or Dan from Game Grumps, when I know I clearly did (celeb crushes they may be). I know Ive never had sexual fantasies that involve children or minors. I know if I had never looked at that stupid site then I would probably be okay. I know I’m sounding like a broken record. This is what OCD has reduced me to.

As far as fictional characters go, I utterly refuse to feel guilty for having a crush on one. They're a construct. Which makes my crush, just as much a figment of the imagination. We don't have Imagination Police, yet.

A crush doesn't equate the real life body I/we occupy (assigned male at birth, mid fifties) with wanting to have sex with the crushee, real or fictional. Ew, gross, no, I'm not some pervy old man. But I can think someone is cute, I sure can, and it doesn't have to be pervy, it just means I've yet to assume room temperature, and even though there are parts in me that are still stuck in their teens, we understand we're old- we get that- and old people just don't do certain things, it's gross and creepy and just EW. But we can admire, we can get warm and fuzzy over 'cuteness'. Doesn't make us a pedo. It's just being human, baby girl. Don't over think being human.

I hate this. Just what the hell happened in the span of a month??? At the beginning I was so sure it was OCD and that I hated the thoughts and feelings and was feeling super anxious and depressed and I could recognize that I was feeling anxious and depressed. And now I just don’t even know anymore.

Then again that’s what OCD does. I’ve been ruminating and doing compulsions so much that it’s just dug further in and I feel like I’ve all but accepted the thoughts as true. Like a complete disregard for everything else that I’ve felt stating that they weren’t true. I don’t like feeling like this. And it feels like I’m not even anxious about it. Like “yup, this is what’s gonna happen, and you’re gonna like it. You don’t have a choice.”

Is it possible that because I recognized feeling anxious and depressed as a sign that I didn’t actually want the thoughts and took comfort in that, that OCD was like “okay well what about if you didn’t feel that way anymore”

I know it did this sort of thing with TOCD and HOCD but this feels different and worse somehow. Like it feels like I’m slipping further and further every day. And now I’m worrying that I’m just lying about this whole thing and only phrasing it in a way to manipulate how you guys see me. I worry that I’m just suddenly learning that I do like this stuff when I know I never have before. And I worry that I’m lying when I said I didn’t like this before.

Just leave me alone, OCD. You’ve long overstayed your welcome. And you weren’t even welcome in the first place.

Artninja1995 wrote:I hate this. Just what the hell happened in the span of a month??? At the beginning I was so sure it was OCD and that I hated the thoughts and feelings and was feeling super anxious and depressed and I could recognize that I was feeling anxious and depressed. And now I just don’t even know anymore.

Then again that’s what OCD does. I’ve been ruminating and doing compulsions so much that it’s just dug further in and I feel like I’ve all but accepted the thoughts as true. Like a complete disregard for everything else that I’ve felt stating that they weren’t true. I don’t like feeling like this. And it feels like I’m not even anxious about it. Like “yup, this is what’s gonna happen, and you’re gonna like it. You don’t have a choice.”

Is it possible that because I recognized feeling anxious and depressed as a sign that I didn’t actually want the thoughts and took comfort in that, that OCD was like “okay well what about if you didn’t feel that way anymore”

I know it did this sort of thing with TOCD and HOCD but this feels different and worse somehow. Like it feels like I’m slipping further and further every day. And now I’m worrying that I’m just lying about this whole thing and only phrasing it in a way to manipulate how you guys see me. I worry that I’m just suddenly learning that I do like this stuff when I know I never have before. And I worry that I’m lying when I said I didn’t like this before.

Just leave me alone, OCD. You’ve long overstayed your welcome. And you weren’t even welcome in the first place.

That's certainly the power of OCD. It makes us think we are what we are not. It's soooo annoying!

I certainly remember that what I had was OCD, but then I was uncertain, then I was certain, then I was uncertain and so on. It tries to adapt, it tries to make you feel like you are something you are not, and when you find out you are not that thing, it tries to make it feel as if you are that.

It's the worst thing ever.

It’s making me feel like I almost want the thoughts now! And that I’m becoming more sympathetic towards pedos and that pedophilia is somehow okay! Pedos do not deserve sympathy! Pedophilia is not, nor will it ever be okay! It’s wrong and horrible!

And it’s making me feel like I’m just saying that cause it’s what I’m supposed to say. And making me feel like I’ve always felt this way when I know I haven’t! Please OCD, please just leave me alone! I don’t want to be a pedophile! I’ve never had sexual thoughts or fantasies about children or minors! I know I’ve never wanted to harm kids or minors! I know I’ve wanted to be a mother!

Artninja1995 wrote:Pedos do not deserve sympathy!

I can think of a few that might, in the old Paras forum. Ofc, they also had not, nor intended, to act on it, no matter what. If you were an otherwise decent person saddled with a horrible paraphilia, wouldn't you want a little sympathy?

Another.... OCDish thing. Black and white, no Grey. It won't allow you to be dispassionate.

I never thought about it that way. And maybe I’m saying it in a backwards way to try and make myself feel some semblance of better. You’re right. Outwardly I wasn’t so intolerant when I had my bad HOCD and TOCD spikes. But I think I still internalized it to try and combat the horrible things I was feeling.

See and I don’t know if I would want sympathy. Like you said, black and white, no grey. I feel like I would just want to be punished or put out of my misery.

I don’t want this to turn into a “just discovering that I do like this” thing. It’s what it almost feels like and I hate it. Or at least trying to feel like. I know what it feels like to discover something about yourself (I’ve mentioned before that Mass Effect made me realize that I would totally be okay with banging aliens). It was just like “huh, guess I learned something about myself. Okay, cool.” This doesn’t feel like that, in any way, shape, or form. This feels like a hollow, empty, uncomfortable ache in my chest that’s trying to pass itself off as a good feeling, when it does not feel good at all. It’s got me tense a good majority of the time, and my muscles hurt.

What happened to a month ago where the mere thought of the possibility of being attracted to a minor made me feel sick to my stomach and scared out of my mind that I was gonna be put in jail. Has OCD really dug it’s claws in that deep? If so, it’s because I’ve let it. I fell for it’s game again and again and again. And I’m so hesitant about doing ERP, I’ll literally make up any excuse not to do it, even though I know I would benefit. I’m worried there’s a “deeper reason”. Realistically I know I should just be like “we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it”. And do the ERP anyway, but I’m still holding myself back.

My brain’s all scrambled. I can’t tell what’s up from down, and which thoughts are intrusive or my genuine thoughts anymore. I can’t even feel any anxiety, which also makes ERP hard. When I try to do exposures (and I’m probably not doing them properly), it’s like I can’t provoke the anxiety. It’s like I clam up. And that worries me.

I still just want to hide in my room a lot. I’m still avoiding doing most of my hobbies because I still don’t want them to be tainted. Games, music, my writing, my drawing, doesn’t matter. I don’t sleep very well still. I avoid looking at the Christmas cards anyone has sent in with younger children.

I just want to go back to how it was before this spike :/