***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Artninja1995 wrote:o be perfectly honest Snaga, I feel like your words of comfort did more harm than good. It’s not that I don’t appreciate you trying to help, but I feel like they triggered me even more :/ but in a way it helped me see that I was hardcore seeking reassurance from here. As I’m sure we’re all sneakily doing without realizing. So in a roundabout way it did help?

I tried to hard, but it's hard sometimes to just let people post out into the air, with no response. As it is, I sat on my hands, several times. When the OCD is bad enough, anything anyone says, is bound to get twisted. It can be.... frustrating, but it's the OCD talking- not the person trying to be deliberately stubborn.

So yes I did try too hard, I own up to that.

Artninja1995 wrote:I still wish I had never ever looked at that hentai site again, or ever, as it is the source of all my current problems.

Maybe.... maybe something else would have come along? I think our OCD is going to find things whether we want it to or not.

Yeah, I thought about that too when I wrote it. I was like “well if it isn’t this, it would probably be something else.”

Is it awful of me to wish I had a different theme of OCD, like contamination OCD? I don’t want to delegitimize anyone’s contamination OCD, because I’m sure it would be absolutely horrendous if I had it regardless, and OCD in itself is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, but a foolish part of me feels like it would be preferable to this absolute bulls*** that I’m dealing with now. Then again I’m sure a lot of people wish it were a different theme than the ones they’re stuck with, right? I would probably be singing a completely different tune if I had it. It’s like when you don’t like how someone handled something in a movie or show or book or game and you’re like “well I would have definitely done it differently” or “I would have never have done that” but you don’t really know unless you’re put in that situation.

It’s interesting, because I know I’ll sometimes have intrusive thoughts about harming myself and/or others, but I don’t ever really ruminate on them even though I know I have OCD. *knock on wood* I don’t want that to sound like I’m bragging, I’m sorry :/ it’s just something I’ve noticed.

My therapist taught me about ego syntonic and ego dystonic thoughts. Ego syntonic thoughts are just basic truths you know about yourself. Aka I know I am fascinated by volcanoes and the Titanic and I can’t handle spicy food at all. Ego dystonic are thoughts that are completely unwanted and opposite, and intrusive thoughts are dystonic thoughts that OCD is trying to make you believe are syntonic.

But as I’ve said before, I’m trying to find images that could be anxiety inducing and I’m just not coming up with much of anything. And I’m wondering if it’s uneasiness with the idea of ERP and sitting with uncertainty that’s holding me back, or just OCD being like “no no no therapy bad. You might learn the thoughts are true”? I just mentioned this to my therapist. Haven’t heard back yet.

I know I’m tired of feeling like this. And I know I didn’t used to, even after my previous POCD spike. OCD is a persuasive little b****** that craves the spotlight. And I know this year has certainly not helped, what with it being the apparently evil and unlucky year of 2020. Stands to reason I would spike myself.

Yes 2020 has been unkind and in the US at least, I don't expect it to get better for a while. Meh. Look up 'Strauss-Howe Generational Theory' and you'll see why. These things happen and we're lucky enough to be here for a paradigm shift. What that shift will be, who knows? We'll find out.

Artninja1995 wrote: I’m trying to find images that could be anxiety inducing and I’m just not coming up with much of anything.

That's good, yes? If you're not feeling anxiety.

I mean yeah, but they’re for my therapy. How is this going to help my therapy if I can’t find any for exposures? I did tell my therapist what I thought about it being either me being hesitant or the anxiety being exhausted and he asked what I thought it was. I think it’s a little of both, also being mixed in with OCD trying to resist. The triple threat, you know. I apologized and told him I hoped I wasn’t wasting his time, and he said it’s a common thing for people to be scared of ERP at first.

Yeah 2020 is a huge s***show. Being cooped up in the house definitely wasn’t helping. Normally I’d be super okay with that, but not for extended periods of time like this pandemic. And it definitely won’t get better for a little while (cause of idiots not taking it seriously).

Ugh so I was browsing on Twitter and read that apparently another YouTuber was caught grooming someone underage. Not doing good for my OCD at all. I’m mildly freaking out.

Crazy how when you’re trying to avoid anything that you know will set your OCD off, you run into it almost everywhere. In my instance it’s news about people being caught grooming.

It’s also crazy how paranoid OCD has made me become. Now I’m like squinting suspiciously at people and thinking “are you secretly a pedophile?” Which is very sad. I’m even paranoid about my favorite Youtubers! I don’t think they would ever actually do something like that, but I don’t actually know them. And that’s what the fans of the Youtubers that have been caught probably thought too.

I’m trying to call up things that both my therapist said and what you have told me a few times Snaga. “Maybe they are and maybe they’re not. I Don’t know. Worry about it when the scandal actually breaks.”

I shared with my therapist my fear that my previous crushes were just compulsions for my HOCD. I don’t think they were but then again I not sure. I enjoyed them, and I’ve been heartbroken over some of them. Again, I just don’t know. And I know I have to get myself to be okay with that uncertainty.

Try not to worry about what other people are, or aren't- unless you're personally involved. Such as if I had suspicions someone was hinky with my Godchild (I don't recommend it).

Artninja1995 wrote: shared with my therapist my fear that my previous crushes were just compulsions for my HOCD. I don’t think they were but then again I not sure. I enjoyed them, and I’ve been heartbroken over some of them. Again, I just don’t know.

Yeah you do. Or at least, I believe you know, if you can step outside of the OCD and the overthinking long enough.

I mean, look at me. I'm Bi, and I'm OCD- so... obsess obsess obsess. So I ask myself hmm do I like gay porn? Well, yeah. Okay so I like that, it's not a compulsion, it's not checking, so step outside of my OCD and decide, 'do I like that?' and yes.

Ohhh but you're gay gay gay my OCD says.

Okay, well, I posted the first of many Xmas music posts I'll be making to the music thread:
just-for-fun/topic55588-9370.html#p2277199

Does that video make me smile?

Um, YES, 'smile' is an understatement. I can't help but feel warm and fuzzy when I see Helen, Angie, and Tara. Again, if I'm not letting my OCD have its way with me, I'm like, oh yeah, I like that. Obviously, whatever brand of effed up I am, it's not something as simple as 'gay', any more than 'straight' describes me.

Okay then. I stepped outside of my OCD enough to know what I like, and what I don't like- or in my case, what I like, and what I like... I have more 'likes' than 'don't likes', methinks. So... OCD can scream at me all it wants, but it doesn't matter what I feel at any given moment, I know what I know, via good old empirical method, while NOT letting myself get all bent up by my OCD.

It started for me, by just looking back at before I obsessed. And... nothing has changed to change that conclusion as to what I am. I don't have to like it, but it is, what it is.

Yeah, I’m trying. It’s not easy. But when is anything ever easy? My OCD has me to the point where I don’t know what it is I truly want anymore. Or at least I think I don’t. Like I said I’m working to make myself be okay with the uncertainty.

My therapist says that I’m maturing in that I can recognize the thoughts as just thoughts and to just let it be. But knowing and actually putting it into practice are two totally different things.

The answers are often simple, but that doesn't equate to 'easy', no.

It’s also amazing how hyper vigilant you become. Like, you start worrying about things you didn’t really worry about before. Example: I’ve watched a few “magical girl” animes and cartoons in my time, and most of them include transformation sequences that somewhat shows them being naked. Of course it’s all simplified and barbie-dolled for TV, and it’s not anything sexual at all, but it’s still got my OCD on alert. Especially since pretty much all of the time the characters are in their teens. I always liked to imagine myself transforming into these powerful forms in the exact same ways. Not anything sexual. And I didn’t watch the shows because they were naked when they transformed. I watched because their magical forms were cool looking and their powers were cool and I liked the story. But again, OCD is labeling literally anything as proof of your fears being true, as it is want to do.

And it likes to label literally everything as underage even when you know it’s not. It’s just really manipulative in general. There’s barely any anxiety anymore, but the fear is still there, if that makes any sense? Which is making it all the harder to work on ERP.

I think a thing that happens too is when I try to find something to do an exposure, especially with my therapist, OCD is suddenly like “oh yeah that doesn’t make you anxious anymore”. It’s like the boy who cried wolf.

God, anytime I try to describe anything, I feel like I’m digging myself into a deeper hole. Which I mean in a sense I am. In the sense that I’m just digging myself further into my OCD and letting it root even further in. I can’t remember what it felt like when I didn’t have OCD at all. Then again it’s been ten years so of course I wouldn’t. But I still know I was never like this before, no matter how much OCD tries to convince me otherwise.

I think this (and HOCD) are so pernicious, in that sexuality is fuzzy. There's a world of difference between finding someone under a certain age, sexually attractive in a detached fashion with absolutely no desire to really do something with them, and having a paraphilia for underage that overrides your morality. There's a world of difference, between having the occasional same-sex thought/fantasy/dream, and actually real-world 'I would do that'.

OCD seeks to reduce everything to 'You Are THAT OMG YOU'RE DOOMED'