***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Yeah. Part of me would actually prefer the anxiety to...whatever the hell this is. But I guess this is OCD too huh?

It’s not even purely POCD anymore. It’s doing a combo with HOCD. I was gonna say something about TOCD too but let’s not jinx it.

I made the mistake of watching an old Jimmy Fallon skit that had K*vin Sp*cey as the guest (I guess I didn’t read the title, I just saw big bird in the thumbnail and got excited cause childhood memories) and that did not make me feel very good afterwards. The skit was before everything came out about him, but I also made the mistake of going to the comment section. God, even thinking about it makes me feel weird and not good. I didn’t watch the entire thing once I realized who it was. I skipped to the part with big bird and then I got the hell out.

I wondered for a little bit if I had been developing a sex addiction. I don’t quite think so, since it wasn’t completely consuming my life, but it called a few of my “arguments” against the OCD into question. I know, you can’t argue with OCD. I know sex addiction can go hand in hand with OCD.

Aren't we all addicted to sex, even a little? At least in between getting our hormones, and then watching them fade in the rearview mirror?

I've noticed with the sexual and gender OCD themes, people feel as if they're never allowed even a stray thought, when I can hardly see how stray thoughts are avoidable. A person WILL think about someone underage. Doesn't make them a pedo. A person WILL have a same-sex thought. Doesn't make them gay. A person WILL think about being the opposite sex. Doesn't make them trans.

Straight men will sometimes look at gay porn as part of their porn addiction, but never really want that in real life (which I totally can't wrap my bisexual head around, but I read that it's a 'thing'), ditto 'shemale' porn, which again, I don't understand since my libido simply doesn't care what's between a cute girl's legs, but they say it's a thing.

People will have taboo sleeping dreams and it doesn't make them that thing.

But OCD says you have to be light years removed from... basically being human. Which is going to involve the occasional mental thought of something that isn't really something you're into.

Yeah, isn’t OCD just magical? (Heavy on the sarcasm)

Off topic but I burnt my thumb making ramen and it hurts.

What I find disturbing the most about OCD (or mine at least) is it makes me feel like what I would assume pedos feel, even though it probably wouldn’t realistically feel any different to how I would feel normally. I hate that it gives me this “feeling”. It can go screw right off. OCD in itself can go screw right off, but I know it doesn’t work that way.

Semi okay day today. Put up Christmas decor and watched a bunch of titanic documentaries and Try Guys videos. Still feel this numbness that I still really don’t like.

Artninja1995 wrote:it makes me feel like what I would assume pedos feel,

I have my doubts. OCD is a wonderful mind-twister, but when you have a sexual paraphila or orientation, even if you don't want it, your body years for it past words. at least I would think having a seriously taboo para would be similar to having a sexual orientation you don't want... but you do....

I’m sorry, that confused me. What?

I hate feeling whatever it is. I didn’t feel it before the spike started and I wish it would go away. It still makes me feel sick, but there’s also no anxiety anymore like I said before which worries me.

I hope you don’t think I am a pedo now. I really really don’t want to be and I don’t think I am but it’s hard to tell anything anymore now that the anxiety isn’t there :/ it’s all just...bleh

And I feel like this bleh feeling gets worse every time I sleep.

No, I don't think you are.

I think if you were, it wouldn't matter how much you didn't want to be one, you'd yearn for that forbidden fruit. There have been lots of times I wished I wasn't bisexual, but that doesn't stop the need. And I doubt I'd take a magic straight pill, if you handed it to me. Or a magic gay pill, for that matter. I would recoil in horror- despite the fact I wish I wasn't.

I don't see why a paraphilia wouldn't be the same way for a person who was firmly entrenched. Desire wants, what it wants.

That's something I don't think OCD can fully fake, I do not recall any posts in Paraphilias that present the way the vast majority of y'all do in OCD.

I could try in more detail to unconfuse you, but this ain't my first OCD forum rodeo.... anything I say, the OCD is gonna twist. I've probably already said too much.

When it's OCD and not 'real', and you have OCD so it's a good chance this IS OCD... When it's OCD, you're going to have to make up your mind you're not a pedo and make that your story and stick to it.

I just wrote this really long post and bam, the website logged me out and it was all gone.

I just wrote that I had a somewhat bad day today but my boyfriend made it a lot better at the end.

I have also been ruminating on my porn history today and how from the time I was 13-15. I get anxious because it feels like it sets me apart from other POCD sufferers as when they first saw these things they stopped and their OCD was triggered. I had occasionally looked at shotacon which I initially found on accident trying to find yaoi doujinshi when I was 13 and how when I was 15 I stumbled across this furry website that had a lot of gay stories between an underaged character/adult and read these stories for a couple of months. I knew there was something very wrong with these things but I read them anyway because I didn't connect the dots between them and real kids. It was just so blatant and overt on these websites. Then I learned how it normalized abuse and was used by actual p***s to groom kids so I stopped. I didn't think about it for months, had a suicide attempt which was unrelated to the content because I have struggled with depression since I was a little girl, and eventually watched the black mirror episode with Alex Hawthorne and thus my fears began.

I watched a lot of porn at this time and definitely used it as some sort of coping mechanism but these things are the ones I derive the most guilt from. Regardless I have been unsure if I should tell my psychologist about these things? I genuinely fear that she may think I am an actual p*** and think that I looked at real cp when that hasn't ever been the case. However, it may be something I have to face because it is basically real event-oriented OCD at this point.

I feel super embarrassed about my previous post. When I get anxious and in my head, I just have this need to talk to someone and confess all of these things. I feel good today, I am feeling anxious but not nearly as bad as the other day. My apologies for triggering anyone.

I'm feeling good today! Did some meditation and focused on my breathing. There's this feeling that everything will be good. Fingers crossed.

So I’ve been reading over my posts from the past three weeks and...yikes. I was definitely living in my OCD head and letting it eat me alive. I mean I still don’t feel so hot, and the spike is still ever present, but jeez louise was I spiraling bad. I mean it’s nowhere near as bad as when my TOCD spike was hitting me all those years ago, but it was still pretty bad.

To be perfectly honest Snaga, I feel like your words of comfort did more harm than good. It’s not that I don’t appreciate you trying to help, but I feel like they triggered me even more :/ but in a way it helped me see that I was hardcore seeking reassurance from here. As I’m sure we’re all sneakily doing without realizing. So in a roundabout way it did help?

Tried my first ERP exercise today. Not very anxiety inducing, but my therapist says I need to find what will absolutely provoke the anxiety for our next session. And I’m kinda drawing a few blanks. I think all the previous things I was super anxious about have exhausted themselves to the point where they’re not as anxiety inducing anymore. If that makes sense. And maybe it’s my fear of doing the ERP holding me back. As well as the OCD being like “no, if you do that then the thoughts are gonna come true”. It’s a sneaky b*****d.

I still wish I had never ever looked at that hentai site again, or ever, as it is the source of all my current problems. I would still be doing fantastic with occasional small spikes of HOCD. But of course I can’t just wave a magic wand and make it all go away and make it so it never happened. It would be nice, but I can’t. It’s the one thing I wish for Christmas that I know I won’t get.