***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

I feel frustrated and content. Things have finally felt like they're falling into place in my life. However, I feel like I've got too much on my hands. I'm working a job that pays too less, without benefits, while also having plans for school. I've recently become engaged and I'm trying to help keep my partner's life balanced, as they have a lot of mental health stuff they're trying to juggle. However, I feel like as much as I love my partner and as much as I feel loved by them, I feel like they take me for granted, just a bit. I've also recently come out as trans and my transitioning is slow and tedious.

My bf doesn't understand ocd and keeps moving stuff trying to annoy me. He doesn't mean any harm but it's stressful!

Willow

Feeling rough.

Trying to sleep and feel a if I'm not breathing when I drift off. My sinuses are stuffy and I am congested. Ocd playing with me trying to tell me if I don't remember to breathe l suffocate

Snaga wrote:Feeling rough.

Trying to sleep and feel a if I'm not breathing when I drift off. My sinuses are stuffy and I am congested. Ocd playing with me trying to tell me if I don't remember to breathe l suffocate

I remember having those symptoms before. It was awful. Esp wen ur trying to sleep!
Huge hugs

Willow

Thanks. I would lose track of my breathing then ofc obsess over it. I'm writing this, so obviously the autonomous nervous system didn't let me down.

Major disassociation today- we might be OSDD1b or something. Ofc the OCD parts of us are freaking out that we've had a stroke or something, or that the parts that been coming to the surface won't go back in and we'll act all weird in front of family. Gets so tiring to wear a mask, every now and then our separate parts want to act out. We're... me Snaga... is barely back in control right now. Hands are tingly and head feels full, muscles tight. Was having bouts of dizziness which we have when we have strong (and rare) switching. Weepy feel like we need to cry but our eyes are just flirting with tears without really doing it. I don't know. Just know we're a really messed up thing.

Slowly coming down- watching some Youtubes helps.

Hi all, been a while.

Not doing too hot today. I think POCD is rearing it’s ugly head once more.
I made the mistake of going back to a hentai manga that I read years ago that was shota esque, but I wasn’t really going back to it because it was shota. In my mind I was picturing myself as the shota if that makes sense. I was imagining myself in those positions with someone older than me or just the same age as me. And honestly I felt disgusted at the older guy in the manga. But of course OCD would like to turn that into something far worse. And I think I was trying to test myself too, which I know, bad bad thing to do. And of course it magically takes my attraction to whom I’m normally attracted to away (typically Taller, older guys with chest hair). Also didn’t help like afterwards I was listening to those reddit stories on YouTube about dodging bullets both metaphorically and real. And a lot of stories were about people that were found out to be pedos and my peanut gallery of a brain was like “that’s what’s gonna happen to you!!!”

So yeah, not doing so hot. I know I would never do something like that. I don’t want to do something like that. I hate the blatant sexualization of kids in media. Whenever I hear about someone getting busted for that sort of thing I feel appalled that they would do such a thing. But according to my idiot brain I secretly want to be like them.

And if this makes things less favorable to me (which it probably does), I’m 25.

Also one thing I should explain. And idk how to make it clear. Since my trifle with OCD started several years ago I’ve had this feeling in my chest, centered around my heart. I think it’s my brain being like “it’s what your heart wants!” But it’s not a good feeling. It’s a chest tightening painful sort of thing. And I hate it. I want it to go away. At some point it got so bad that I would only sleep a certain way cause I was worried about it “traveling”. That’s what always seems to flare up when I have these intrusive thoughts.

God and saying I don’t want these things and that I don’t like these things is making my brain be like “no you do want these things. You do like these things” I was very confident I didn’t a few days ago until I did that stupid thing mentioned above. Now I’m just all over the place. But I guess that’s what happens huh?

Edit: I just looked up the definition of Shota and now that makes me feel even worse. Why did I look that manga up a few days ago if I knew it was going to trigger me??? Why did I do it?! I Never want to harm kids. I get angry when pedos get found out! That they are so sick and twisted that they would harm children!

I want to be a mother myself someday! I want to protect my future kids from people like that! I feel so awful and scared now.

When I first saw your name, I was like all ARTNINJAAAAAAA



Then I read your post

Girl, we both know you're really not a pedo, or a monster. I think I remember what kind of imagery you liked- and this is just another version of it, yes? And unless I'm mistaken, you wanted to be the younger partner? And your real-world like is... older males.... seems like you'd naturally be fascinated with being the shota.

I fail to see how this makes you terrible- and you're definitely not the only person to post to OCD or Remorse, because your mind has twisted around a desire to be a much younger sexual partner to an older person (a fantasy I've often had, because a pederast groomed me) to mean you want to have the younger partner. When all you wanted, was to be the younger partner.

No, sweetie.. just... no.... in no way, me imagining to be the too-younger partner, is going to equate to me being a pedo. Not now, not ever; even if I have often fantasized about being with my abuser or wishing he'd done more to me (which is ofc what grooming is supposed to do I imagine, and I was groomed, and such thoughts and fantasies are common-as-dirt among victims of sexual abuse and in no way makes them the abuser or want to abuse). And no, I don't look at Shota or Lolicon or anything that dodgy- because hey I'm OCD too, & even if I wasn't queasy on the legality of it, I'd probably stay away from it by instinct, for the exact same reason it's eating at you, now. Sexual fantasies can get freaky, and fuzzy, and I don't care to poke the POCD bear. I know I'm not a pedo- and I'd like to keep it that way and not be afraid of being one, even if I firmly believe that a person can have mental fantasy completely beyond their real-world proclivities. If not acted upon, or genuinely a part of your core being, thoughts... are, in the end, just so much ephemera. I know, for example, that people who meet (consenting adults) to engage in fetish age-play, for example, are no more likely to be pedo/hebe/ephebophiles, than the general population- but still, I'm OCD- that's just a jar I do NOT want to open!

But there are some things a person with OCD ought to just set back down, and slowly back away from and try not to spook it or it might eat you.

Don't let this eat you.

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been groomed in the past Snaga. That’s just horrible!

Of course, when I wrote that I was super confident in what I was saying, but now I’m not so sure. And I know it’s OCDs fault.

I know part of me is just like “oh you can just forget it ever happened and things will go back to normal” and no one else would ever know, but a part of me feels like it has to acknowledge what happened and that there’s no turning back and the simple fact that I’m 25 and I decided to look that up is a huge red flag in my head.

And now any time I see people that I am normally attracted to I feel like they are now associated with “kid” in my head, even if they’re in their 30s or 40s.

I just want to go back and smack myself in the face

Aaaaaaaghhhh sweetie!


You're overthinking this and taking it far too seriously. Which... is what we do best, I know- I'm no different, but, just saying.

Instead of trying to forget it happened- how about deciding (a conscious decision not based on any feelings) to simply not care?

I... don't care if I get an intrusive thought to kill my partner. I have Harm OCD; I've had it for more than long enough (40+ years good enough?), that if I was gonna kill people or animals- I'd have done it. So... screw it. It's a thought. I'll get over it. I make the decision to Not Care. When I 'come to', covered in someone else's blood- THEN, and only then, will I care. Even now, I feel OCD screaming at me that I'll do something unless I DO care now! But I know where that leads- obsession, and compulsions, and being afraid of myself. If I just make myself not care, long enough, it goes away again.

The few times I allow even the barest sliver of POCD to happen- and I don't care what kind of thought flipped thru my brain, what kind of sleeping dream I woke up to, nothing- I.... Don't CARE. I'll care, when I find myself actually perving a kid- not before. The moment you allow yourself to 'care', OCD will try to worm in. I go by what I know to be my basic sexual proclivities, and perving little kids, ain't one of them. Not like, say, trying to not be bisexual. I'll lose that battle, every time. Because that's what I am, regardless of my opinion on being it. The heart wants, what the heart wants. And when people can dispassionately disconnect themselves from their anxiety a moment, I think most people can see 'oh, I don't want that really!!'

You go by the sum total of your sexual likes and dislikes in the real-world, practical sense. Not looking at fantasy, or having a more outrageous daydream. I have... had sexual fantasies about things being done to me, that would be horrible to go thru, if they were to have really happened to me. Doesn't mean I really want them to have happened. There is a difference. Too often with OCD we equate things that are literally, only in our head- in the confines of our thoughts only- with really doing, being, or wanting something. Well, I reject that notion. We must reject it, if we're to gain a hold over our OCD and retain some sanity. And I don't know about you, but I'm already pretty crazy, I don't aim to invent any more craziness than I can manage not to fall into.