***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

And back again feeling even worse now :/ I just wish it would go away and leave me alone. I know I never wanted this, and I still don’t, but it’s making me feel like I have always wanted it and was always like this.

Hello all, it’s been a while.

POCD is still bad, and I think this time it’s due to things changing in my life. I got a new job, so that’s pretty cool. My first factory job, and I’m on second shift, which helps since I’m a night owl. And it pays decently and I’ll get benefits after my 90 days are done. And my godbrother works there too so at least I know someone there already). I’ve also finally (after like, what…eight or so years??) gotten my room all clean and I have a new bed. I upgraded to a full size bed from a twin that I’ve had pretty much my whole life. It’s nice to be able to spread out.

Things have gotten bad in the past week or so. I recently got into one of the newer Disney movies, Encanto (which if you haven’t seen is amazing and I highly recommend it, the attention to detail and homage to Colombian culture is amazing) and I’ve developed quite a crush on Bruno Madrigal (which I know is okay cause he’s 50, and even made a character to ship with him that’s also 50. And we WILL talk about Bruno because he is lovely and deserves the world). But a good portion of the fandom is so freaky and gross. They’re shipping Bruno with Mirabel, his UNDERAGE NIECE. And it’s near impossible to filter that crap out. Like why????? Why does that exist. And because I’ve accidentally seen it, my brain is now just equating him as a pedo even though that’s not true at all, and any affection that they share is romantic?? No! Just NO!

And I had been looking at some porn (nothing nasty of course) a while back and had one of those ads pop up where someone has animated cartoon characters/anime characters banging, and it happened to be an UNDERAGE character from an anime (who is also one of my favorite characters because she’s amazing and I shipped her parents together so hard) and now it’s like I can’t see her as I used to anymore (I always used to say she was my daughter and practically acted like I was her mom and would always be so proud of her) because my brain will just remember that ad and I hate it I hate it so much

So I saved this in drafts for a few days and brought it out again cause it’s still getting worse. It’s really starting to feel like I’ve “warmed up” to the thoughts and like them now. I don’t want to like them. They’re horrible and disgusting. I know I never wanted this when this all started and I was terrified I would somehow learn to like it. Like even over the course of one day (as I had tried to add on to this post last night but took too long and got logged out) it’s just gotten so much worse and I feel disgusting and horrible and wrong. I know I never wanted this before. I know I’ve always wanted older men and men my age.

I also worry I’ve become addicted to sex. I don’t really think so because I don’t feel like I can’t function without masturbating, or feel like I’ve lost control in that regard. I haven’t looked up anything inappropriate.

I hate this sickening feeling I have. I know I never wanted this and I know I felt grossed out/disgusted by it/disturbed by it before (of course my brain is like “well guess what that can change and it has changed!) I don’t feel happy. When I compulsed and came to the conclusion that I was not and was only attracted to older or same age men I was relieved. I’m just so confused by everything it’s feeling like “you know you’re in denial and lying, why don’t you just admit it.” But there’s nothing to admit! I don’t feel like I’m in denial. I don’t want these thoughts at all. I wish the very concept of pedophelia didnt exist, it’s just horrible

-- Thu Apr 21, 2022 6:56 am --

Hello all, it’s been a while.

POCD is still bad, and I think this time it’s due to things changing in my life. I got a new job, so that’s pretty cool. My first factory job, and I’m on second shift, which helps since I’m a night owl. And it pays decently and I’ll get benefits after my 90 days are done. And my godbrother works there too so at least I know someone there already). I’ve also finally (after like, what…eight or so years??) gotten my room all clean and I have a new bed. I upgraded to a full size bed from a twin that I’ve had pretty much my whole life. It’s nice to be able to spread out.

Things have gotten bad in the past week or so. I recently got into one of the newer Disney movies, Encanto (which if you haven’t seen is amazing and I highly recommend it, the attention to detail and homage to Colombian culture is amazing) and I’ve developed quite a crush on Bruno Madrigal (which I know is okay cause he’s 50, and even made a character to ship with him that’s also 50. And we WILL talk about Bruno because he is lovely and deserves the world). But a good portion of the fandom is so freaky and gross. They’re shipping Bruno with Mirabel, his UNDERAGE NIECE. And it’s near impossible to filter that crap out. Like why????? Why does that exist. And because I’ve accidentally seen it, my brain is now just equating him as a pedo even though that’s not true at all, and any affection that they share is romantic?? No! Just NO!

And I had been looking at some porn (nothing nasty of course) a while back and had one of those ads pop up where someone has animated cartoon characters/anime characters banging, and it happened to be an UNDERAGE character from an anime (who is also one of my favorite characters because she’s amazing and I shipped her parents together so hard) and now it’s like I can’t see her as I used to anymore (I always used to say she was my daughter and practically acted like I was her mom and would always be so proud of her) because my brain will just remember that ad and I hate it I hate it so much

So I saved this in drafts for a few days and brought it out again cause it’s still getting worse. It’s really starting to feel like I’ve “warmed up” to the thoughts and like them now. I don’t want to like them. They’re horrible and disgusting. I know I never wanted this when this all started and I was terrified I would somehow learn to like it. Like even over the course of one day (as I had tried to add on to this post last night but took too long and got logged out) it’s just gotten so much worse and I feel disgusting and horrible and wrong. I know I never wanted this before. I know I’ve always wanted older men and men my age.

I also worry I’ve become addicted to sex. I don’t really think so because I don’t feel like I can’t function without masturbating, or feel like I’ve lost control in that regard. I haven’t looked up anything inappropriate.

I hate this sickening feeling I have. I know I never wanted this and I know I felt grossed out/disgusted by it/disturbed by it before (of course my brain is like “well guess what that can change and it has changed!) I don’t feel happy. When I compulsed and came to the conclusion that I was not and was only attracted to older or same age men I was relieved. I’m just so confused by everything it’s feeling like “you know you’re in denial and lying, why don’t you just admit it.” But there’s nothing to admit! I don’t feel like I’m in denial. I don’t want these thoughts at all. I wish the very concept of pedophelia didnt exist, it’s just horrible

Congrats on the job!

As for the cartoon characters...

They are just cartoon characters and fanart and in the case of the ad, sleezy tasteless animated porn.

A pedophile they do not make. Hang in there.

I’m trying, it’s hard.

Those things are what my brain has started to “default” to for some reason and I hate it. At times it feels like my brain has rewired itself against my will :/

Artninja1995 wrote:I’m trying, it’s hard.

Those things are what my brain has started to “default” to for some reason and I hate it. At times it feels like my brain has rewired itself against my will :/

Isn't defeating obsessive/compulsive behavior about rewiring the brain? Literally- I seem to recall that it can be seen in brain scans...

Having a panic attack while at work. I wish I could rip these feelings out of my chest. It’s the same old “im feeling like I like the thoughts now” and it just feels so real. But for a moment I can sometimes think clearly and remember that no, I remember feeling relief when I concluded I was not an actual. And some times remember that OCD is capable of making you feel all these things. I know it’s me mentally checking to see if I like the thoughts and the OCD responding to make me distressed. It just feels like this sickeningly “sweet” feeling if that makes sense. And like it gets harder and harder to distinguish from my true feelings.

I just want to go home. I want to go play video games and distract myself.

Also I hate that I feel like I can’t play Skyrim anymore. I don’t know what it is about that game specifically, but there are kid NPCs in this game and my OCD sometimes throws horrible intrusive thoughts about them and it’s sucked all the enjoyment away. I mean there’s probably mods that can get rid of the kid NPCs (and there’s a few of them that I’ve always wished you could get rid of anyway cause they’re beyond annoying little bullies to the other kids.)

I know thoughts don’t really mean anything but it’s so hard to keep that in mind.

It’s weird, there were feelings and concepts that I never put thought into, just felt them, and was like “oh yeah this is a maternal feeling” or “oh yeah this man is attractive” but now OCD has made me over analyze literally any vague concept and I’m like “I don’t ever remember it being this complicated???”

And THEN I worry about “comp het”. I don’t really think it’s comp het. But it worries me because I’ve never had a full on wet dream about a guy before (okay maybe once but that one was unclear). I’ve had dreams where I’ve cuddled and kissed on a guy (real or fictional) that I’ve crushed on and I’ve felt really happy from those. But any wet dreams that I’ve had (and I’m not sure if they’re fully wet dreams) included other women. Which makes me wonder if I’ve been faking my crushes on guys the whole time. I don’t think I have? They made me happy, and not in a “oh good I’m blending in” way.

I know ultimately sexuality is a spectrum and it fluctuates. And I just need to remember that. Okay I think I’m calm enough to go back to work now. Only a few more hours and then I can go home and play games.

And of course it got worse. I just don’t even know what’s real, what’s fake, what I want, and what I don’t want anymore. I know I never wanted this before. I know I never had this feeling. But it’s saying “yes you have, you’ve wanted it this whole time, you just didn’t know it yet.” I know I was never drawn to it, and largely didn’t know it as a concept existed. I know I felt disgusted when I heard about people being caught with CP and/or would do that to kids, and felt horrified at the mere thought. Now I just don’t know anymore. I want to say that I still don’t but it makes me unsure (and it even goes as far as to be like “you’re just saying you still wouldn’t”) I know OCD is the doubting disease. I know I’ve felt immense relief when concluding I wasn’t an actual. But there’s this part that’s like “oh but aren’t you curious as to what it might be like?” No not really?? At least I don’t think so. If I’ve read about someone getting caught sexting an underage person and still continuing I mostly just wonder “what is going through their heads? How could this have been prevented?”

Ive only ever really been drawn to older men and men my age (but mostly older men lol) I fantasized and hoped that one of the youtubers I’ve watched would notice me and fall in love with me. I’ve fantasized about being with an older man in bed. I’ve fantasized about being a mom and what kind of mom I would be. These thoughts/feelings/urges that my brain is conjuring now were never part of that, nor do I want them to be.

I’m just so confused and a** backwards :/

-- Sat May 07, 2022 12:20 am --

And of course it got worse. I just don’t even know what’s real, what’s fake, what I want, and what I don’t want anymore. I know I never wanted this before. I know I never had this feeling. But it’s saying “yes you have, you’ve wanted it this whole time, you just didn’t know it yet.” I know I was never drawn to it, and largely didn’t know it as a concept existed. I know I felt disgusted when I heard about people being caught with CP and/or would do that to kids, and felt horrified at the mere thought. Now I just don’t know anymore. I want to say that I still don’t but it makes me unsure (and it even goes as far as to be like “you’re just saying you still wouldn’t”) I know OCD is the doubting disease. I know I’ve felt immense relief when concluding I wasn’t an actual. But there’s this part that’s like “oh but aren’t you curious as to what it might be like?” No not really?? At least I don’t think so. If I’ve read about someone getting caught sexting an underage person and still continuing I mostly just wonder “what is going through their heads? How could this have been prevented?”

Ive only ever really been drawn to older men and men my age (but mostly older men lol) I fantasized and hoped that one of the youtubers I’ve watched would notice me and fall in love with me. I’ve fantasized about being with an older man in bed. I’ve fantasized about being a mom and what kind of mom I would be. These thoughts/feelings/urges that my brain is conjuring now were never part of that, nor do I want them to be.

I’m just so confused and a** backwards :/