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***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Artninja1995 » Sun Aug 08, 2021 1:54 am

The sad part about that Snaga is I know all too well but I still wanna cry and wish for the ability to go back and smack myself before I ever looked at the shota. Then again, I’ve sad that before on here so you know that already :/

Also I feel as though I should be truthful. When I see people talking about how fantasies can be things you don’t want, I get triggered a little. I’ve always understood fantasies as things you DO want, and nothing else.

I feel like I’m holding this great evil thing back, these false feelings, and I feel a tightness in my chest. It feels nothing like what I know I’ve liked and what I know made me happy. And why would I have gone through that period of feeling absolutely miserable and sick to my stomach if I actually did want the thoughts?

It’s funny some of the compulsions I’ve done make absolutely no sense. I’ve prayed that I could go back to how I used to be, I’ve wished on online wishing wells, I’ve wished on stars, and I even continuously check the sky to make sure it’s not “impossibly blue” (I read a thing somewhere where everything is right in your life when the sky is “impossibly blue”) and sometimes even refuse to look at the sky for the same reason. I look back at my old posts both on here and my therapy app to remind myself that I didn’t feel this way previously. I know I know it’s really bad to do :(
I am the dancing queen, young and sweet, only...not seventeen :/

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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Snaga » Sun Aug 08, 2021 2:09 am

Artninja1995 wrote: When I see people talking about how fantasies can be things you don’t want, I get triggered a little. I’ve always understood fantasies as things you DO want, and nothing else.


Have you never enjoyed watching a movie about something you never want to experience? A horror movie, maybe? I watch war movies- I don't want to be in a war! You've never imagined yourself being in some situation but if presented with that in real life you'd be like, running the other way? Is it just maladaptive daydreamers that do that? I've lived lives in my head, with story arcs, and sometimes bad things happen to whatever version of me is taking center stage. A fantasy can have something you're drawn to in the mental realm, but be nothing you want or approve of in the real world.

It seems to me, pwOCD take their thoughts far too seriously. And I'm guilty of that, too. I've done my fair share of thinking I'm a horrid creature for something that ultimately hurt no one. When you're OCD, you have to take the attitude that you're not your thoughts. Otherwise we would curl up in a hole in the ground and never come out.
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Artninja1995 » Sun Aug 08, 2021 7:17 am

Huh, I guess that is a good point. No, I don’t watch horror movies. Can’t stomach them honestly. Not so much for any gore but I can’t handle psychological stuff. I get too anxious. And not cause of OCD, I’m just an anxious person in general. (Which is funny because you get me talking about volcanic disasters and or the Chernobyl explosion and you can’t get me to shut up. Horrifying and fascinating stuff). I guess I was only thinking in terms of sexual fantasy, which again, I never had any involving kids or teens. Other fantasies, however have involved them, as in I’ve fantasized about being a mother.
I am the dancing queen, young and sweet, only...not seventeen :/

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"Stand Fast. Stand Strong. Stand Together." -Admiral Hackett, Mass Effect 3
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Snaga » Sun Aug 08, 2021 5:26 pm

Well I've had sexually explicit fantasies that involve things I would never want to have happen to me, or that I would never in a million years consider actually doing to anyone. More the former, than the latter- I'm not a Sadist or a pedophile, after all. Masochistic, well that's another story! I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have wanted to be brutalised as a child- I mean extreme things, like castration. I've fantasized about that and have elaborate imaginative worlds based on things like that. Doesn't mean that would have been pleasant in reality. I'm weird but I'm not stupid.

Look, we're Human. You can think of us as Fallen creatures God granted sentience to and we ###$ it up in The Garden of Eden, or you can think of us as big brained apes with opposable thumbs and Nuclear rocks to throw at each other. Either way, we're wired to be capable of imagining all sorts of things, and even enjoying the imagining- without for a moment, considering doing those things or thinking they're right or moral or desirable from a practical sense. I'm a Libertarian leaning person. It comes back to the NAP- the non aggression principle. Do my thoughts- especially ego-dystonic thoughts that are not a part of my core being, like my intrusive harm thoughts- harm anyone? If they don't, then I will defer anxiety or guilt over them, until someone is harmed. If we don't do that, we're ###$, and we'll constantly be afraid of ourselves.
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Kaleb28 » Tue Aug 10, 2021 10:45 pm

I feel ok currently I probably won't in a couple of of minutes but hey chairish the good times right. I still feel depressed as usual but at least currently I feel slightly more energetic
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Artninja1995 » Wed Aug 11, 2021 7:41 am

Ugh I remembered a thing from a while ago. When I watched a show and one character was acting suave and almost seductive and I made a few comments about it, and I recently realized the character was like 16. But I never imagined pairing myself with the character like I do with characters I actually am attracted to. Who were/are all older. But I just remembered that after finding some of my artwork that had a few of those comments (nothing explicit, but I still hate that I made the comments anyway) and I felt really bad. And I didn’t remember this when this spike first started so I would say it would be nothing to really worry about, but I still feel really blegh because of this. I took the comments down.

I do have a question though. Is it possible to “decontaminate” things that the intrusive thoughts/feelings have attached to? Like say you listen to a song/read a book/play a game that you love and that you know will comfort you. But then your OCD comes and attaches a horrible thought/feeling to whatever it is, and “tainted” it, and now you feel like you can’t enjoy that thing anymore because you’ll just remember that thought/feeling? I hope that makes sense.

On an unrelated note, I’m trying to formulate a plan to convince my mom to let me get a snake. A ball python specifically. They’re just so cute. I’m doing my research and calculating how much money I would need to set aside for both the snake and all the supplies. Not to mention looking at the different morphs and deciding which ones I like. There are some really pretty ones, and there’s around 5000 morphs in existence.
I am the dancing queen, young and sweet, only...not seventeen :/

"You do you, and I'll do me, and we won't do each other...Probably." -Markiplier

"Stand Fast. Stand Strong. Stand Together." -Admiral Hackett, Mass Effect 3
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Snaga » Wed Aug 11, 2021 4:24 pm

**trigger warnings**

Artninja1995 wrote:Ugh I remembered a thing from a while ago. When I watched a show and one character was acting suave and almost seductive and I made a few comments about it, and I recently realized the character was like 16. But I never imagined pairing myself with the character like I do with characters I actually am attracted to. Who were/are all older. But I just remembered that after finding some of my artwork that had a few of those comments (nothing explicit, but I still hate that I made the comments anyway) and I felt really bad. And I didn’t remember this when this spike first started so I would say it would be nothing to really worry about, but I still feel really blegh because of this. I took the comments down.


If I think a character is cute, I unapologetically think it. As an example, I like femboy imagery. Cute AF. Some of that looks rather young, despite legal disclaimers to the contrary- after all, Youth sells. I don't feel guilty. If it looks young enough I'm like ehhh I don't know about this, I pass it by and move on. Am I going to go out and find the youngest femboy I can lay my hands on? No of course not, I'm an old man, that's just gross. Am I going to find myself looking at CP or anything that could be reasonably construed as CP because I'm suddenly possessed by a pedophilic demon? Hell no. Or even go to those creepy but somehow legal websites of underage children in non-sexual situations and stare at the photos? Ew, Hell to the No. I have my lines, and I don't cross them. For all my fantasies I've had about being with my pederast (with me as the adolescent), in the flesh and blood world, adults doing things to kids is just creepy and gross and immoral. I will cut slack to young adults in what the law calls a Romeo and Juliet legal situation because, like the states that have R&J exceptions realise, it's unrealistic to expect someone just out of their teens to not still be attracted to teenagers within a reasonable age difference. Otherwise, I'm pretty much a believer in the Half Your Age Plus Seven rule. My pederast was probably approaching 30, and I was 12 or 13- and this wasn't online he could clearly see how old I was and he had his hand literally down my pants- so yeah no, he's a damn pederast. It's wrong. I don't do wrong things. That's the line I draw. I'm not ever going to do wrong things, and no intrusive thought can ever make me do a wrong thing, just as no intrusive thought has ever made me go kill family members- and as someone with Harm OCD I've had more of those thoughts than I can count.

Your core being has lines that you don't cross, either. You are over thinking this. Try not to pick everything you've ever said and done apart. In the real, flesh and blood world, you are not seducing little boys- you are not one of those Jerry Springer teachers who got caught with her teenage lover, you are not the adult daycare worker caught on camera doing Bad Touches on a child- you are none of those things. That is your baseline.

Try to defer anxiety until you cross your lines. We worry about mere possibilities- which is a good survival skill- that is, until it goes off the rails like it does with OCD. You haven't molested a child- don't worry about it, until you do. You have to make yourself say meh- I'll worry about it, when I've done it. Not before. When you actually lust after, and need minors- for the sake of being minors, not some occasional thought one is cute or something but because you absolutely are taken with kids and that's an itch that won't go away- then worry about it. Not before. It's something you have to make yourself do, no one can do it for you and there's no magic to it. It's knuckling down and copping an attitude, is what it is. It's out-stubborning your brain.

Artninja1995 wrote:I do have a question though. Is it possible to “decontaminate” things that the intrusive thoughts/feelings have attached to? Like say you listen to a song/read a book/play a game that you love and that you know will comfort you. But then your OCD comes and attaches a horrible thought/feeling to whatever it is, and “tainted” it, and now you feel like you can’t enjoy that thing anymore because you’ll just remember that thought/feeling? I hope that makes sense.


That's a level of OCD that I've never experienced, at least not consciously. I've seen it time and again in forum, and I have no idea how y'all manage to do it. I've come close when it comes to enjoying certain things, but it stems from remorse from real world actions or inactions on my part that I can point to, that involve real living people. Not intrusive thoughts or feelings. It's either as if you're punishing yourselves, or it's as if your OCD just refuses to let you escape the fear, so it attaches it to whatever you'll let it. OCD needs fear to live, and it'll get it any way it can. I often view OCD as a living entity- it's been helpful to me to do so. I suppose that stems from the ego-dystonic nature of OCD intrusive thoughts. Also the fact that as a child, I thought I was literally being assailed by demons. Tomayto, tomahto, either way it's handy for me to continue acting as if OCD is an external entity. My OCD needs fear- the less fear I can make myself give it, the weaker it gets. It never goes away, but still, the weaker it gets.
Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also confusing and terrifying.

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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Kaleb28 » Wed Aug 11, 2021 7:53 pm

Today I've been feeling pretty stressed out, the usual stuff I'm still unsure about what it is I'm going through though I'll probably have to contend with that for a while. I can't imagine being living like this for the rest of my life it's just so hard for me to do basic things ,and what about when I get a job someday I don't want to be around men my own age because there attractive (depending on who where talking about) likewise I also still find women attractive I think I could get into a relationship with a woman but at the same time I'll still have these other feelings of mine I don't get this good feeling when thinking of women anymore it's like I see both a man and a woman and there both attractive depending on which one it is one might be stronger than the other. I just think about my future beyond my sexual desires and I can't imagine living like this and holding a job it's gone on for four months and hasn't gone away or at least settled to a point where it's bearable.
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Pocdsucks » Sat Aug 14, 2021 4:05 pm

*tw*
I'm tired of my brain. I can't, just no. One time I feel attracted to women the other time I feel no attraction/repulsion. I feel like I'm turning into a p and I don't want that to happen to me, especially with how there are many evidences proving otherwise. Seriously, this has got to stop!
When life is sad,
Learn to be see the world,
For it is hard,
As it is absurd
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Re: ***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Postby Pocdsucks » Sun Aug 15, 2021 8:22 am

DAMMIT!!!
I was going to visit my cousin, and then I saw him topless. I didn't get any arousal whatsoever. And then when I slept my brain kept telling me that I was just faking not being aroused by it. Any help please?
When life is sad,
Learn to be see the world,
For it is hard,
As it is absurd
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