I'm starting to doubt my HOCD. Help. Please.

This has been bothering me for a while. Wondering if I'm the only one..who is going through this.. I feel like I'm actually lookong forward to being in a relationship with the same sex..I start to get annoyed and frustrated..other times I feel nothing. And sometimes I think "I'm gay" then I feel relieved..but then..I remember how happy I was being straight..and how when I was little..or even till this year..I've always wanted to date guys and marry the guy I love..how excited I felt. How happy I felt just thinking about it. I remember one night I was laying in bed..and after watching this video..I remember..how I just mentally squealed "Oh I Just Love Boys!!!" I just remember how happy I was..then I just get so sad..thinking I don't want all that to go away. I still want to love boys. And only boys. But why do I feel relieved when I thought "I'm gay"? Why do I look forward to being in a relationship with a girl, when I never have before? I. Want. To. Be. Straight. Period. But gah!! All these feelings seem so effing real!! Thinking back..I don't want to say goodbye to my straight life..I want it back..so much.

Do the feelings only happen when you have the thoughts always?

Meaning you expect it to now so it does out of the fear.

I just think I'm the least likely to be suffering from hocd at this point.

@Kjoy954 I know exactly how you feel. When it feels so real you don't even know who you are anymore? I feel like I actually want it now and it's getting harder and harder for me to fight back especially since all of my anxiety is gone. I just don't understand it. Sometimes I feel like coming out but THERE'S NOTHING TO COME OUT FOR. The only thing that's keeping me going is the fact that I want to marry a man like I always have and I've gone through this before about 5 years ago when I was 12. I don't know what I did, but it went away and I guess I just learned to "control and repress" it, which is why I guess it's way worse and real his time around. I wake up super anxious and it seems to subside/feel "real" as the day goes on and then it's the same routine the next day. If I had a choice I would stay home all day.

That's exactly how I feel as well @thinkingcat. Except I'm a guy.

I don't avoid people so much but I would rather stay home and I avoid looking at the TV and movies and as much on the computer with pictures as I can though.

@Kjoy have you been seeing any improvement? It's been about four months now for me and I'm still hoping this all goes away. Looking back at my old posts I realize I was extremely anxious and noticed how that affected the way I was thinking. I hope everyone has been seeing improvement and remember that God is always with us.

I know I haven't seen much improvement at all.