Is this OCD? This is getting really bothersome!

Hey everyone,

This is my first post here, and I thought I would share my thoughts and I want to know if this is OCD.

First off, I don't have any rituals or anything like that, only distressing thoughts.

All of my distressing thoughts started about a year and a half ago. One day I was simply driving around when I passed a person that was walking near the road. I thought to myself "what if I hit them?" Though I subconsciously knew that I didn't, it still bothered me and only got worse with time.

After that, I would worry every time I went driving about hitting someone. This is especially bad for me since I am a car enthusiast. I would envision myself in prison for a long time and the potential to hurt someone while driving bothered me significantly every time I got behind the wheel. I have told my brothers about this and they all think that I am playing some sort of elaborate joke. When they are in the car I always ask them if I hit someone on the trip to wherever I was going and they will roll their eyes and tell me to get over it.

The problem is, it only got worse, to the point where I would inspect my car for damage every time I got to where I was going. I would also drive around and around, going back to make sure that I didn't hit someone. However, this didn't do any good since I would then just worry about whether or not I hit someone ont he previous trip checking to see if I hit someone. That sounds so ridiculous written down, but I would just get this overwhelming feeling that I had hit someone and that I would end up in prison.

I think I have gotten over that to some extent, but I still drive EXTREMELY carefully and I get worried after I have some fun in my car or if I accidentally run a stop sign or something that I had run over someone and that I will end up in prison. However, upon arriving at college, my intrusive thoughts have gotten SO much worse.

First off, I love college and I love being here. It is something that I have looked forward to doing all my life. I think that that contributes to my unwanted thoughts, because the happier and more content I am, the more I worry and obsess over doing something stupid and unwanted on impulse to lose it all. The night before I left for school, I completely obsessed over making sure that nothing would go wrong on the trip there or beforehand that would prevent me from going. I checked the stove like 20 times, I checked the faucets many times to make sure that they were off, etc.

When I got here, all was well for the first few weeks until I started to get unwanted thoughts about people. Whenever I was around different people, I would insult them in my head. Yes, that sounds ridiculous, but I would obsess over it. When I talked to people I would automatically picture the worst possible insult I could say to them in my head for some reason. I have no idea why I started to do this, but it just came out of nowhere. After the insult would appear in my head, I would worry about whether or not I said it sub-conciously out loud. I would worry myself constantly with this. I VERY afraid that one day I would just say one of these insults out loud and get kicked out of school or something, and this worried me constantly.

I struggled with this for months until recently the unwanted thoughts changed their course. Now, for some reason, I worry about acting on some sort of unwanted impulse and attacking or causing harm to someone. Even thought deep down that I would NEVER do this, I just struggle with it nonstop. I am so afraid of for some reason just flipping out on someone and getting locked up, kicked out of school, etc. and having my family and friends disown me. I struggle with thinking about this every day. It gets worse when I am in a crowded area, such as a mall, because I just fear that I would subconciously punch someone or start strangling them or something stupid. I know that I would never do anything so horrible, but for some reason I just cant shake these thoughts and they are really inhibiting my school work and ability to focus in class.

Then, when I was home over break, I had driven home with my brother. There was some construction and I was going about 10 over the limit and when I got home I figured that I better go back to check and make sure that I didn't hit anyone or anything. So, I made up the excuse to go get something to drink at a convienience store and my brother came along with me. When I got there, I hadn't hit anyone (what a surprise), but when I was leaving, I had already paid for my drink and I was standing next to the door waiting on my brother. The clerk looked at me strangely and I began to worry to myself with thoughts of "what if I sub-conciously tried to rob the store." After that, I couldn't go in any store without worrying if I would suddenly for some reason rob it. That has cleared up now though and that worrying was relatively short-lived.

Also, I have a horrible fear of going blind. Not sure why, but I do, so I am ridicululously cautious about protecting them. I also wash my hands a lot because I always worry that I will get very sick if I don't and that I will touch my eyes with dirty hands and acquire some sort of horrible infection that would cause me to go blind.

In addition, I am afraid that I will E-mail some sort of insult to one of my professors that will get me kicked out of school. So, whenever I am on the internet I worry about this and if I have to send an E-mail to a professor, I get really worried about whether or not I E-mailed some sort of vulgar message that will get me into trouble.

I know that is long, but that is pretty much the gist of what I have been feeling over the last year or so. I know that these are not things that I shoudl worry about, but I still do and I can't help it. I just can't stand it anymore. Excessively worrying about these things is so physically taxing and I find it hard to be friendly to people when I am worrying so much. I also find it hard to do homework and pay attention in class. For instance, if I need to get some work done and I have just been on the internet, I think to myself "oh well, I'm kicked out anyway, why do it" when I know that I didn't send some insulting message to any professors or anything like that. However, I just worry nonstop about it.

My life was completely free of all this worry up until high school, so I know I can get rid of it again, but I just don't know how. I have seriously tried to approach my brothers and friends about it, but they won't take me seriously. I haven't said anything to my parents, because I am afraid that they'll think I'm a nutbag or something. I just want to get this stupid worrying behind me so I can start enjoying my life again.

Since getting to college, my diet has gotten a lot worse, could that have something to do with it? Also, I don't really want to take any medication because I feel that it will alter the real me, personality-wise. I have considered meeting with the campus psychologist, but I am just afraid to talk about this stuff. I feel so weird and ackward, and the fact that my brothers didn't take me seriously has really made it hard to talk to anyone else about it.

What can I do to stop worrying and thinking about all of this stuff all the time? Please help!

Thank you.

Hello there,

In many articles about Pure O, I came across your exact driving experience. I'd say it's a somewhat common problem for OCD sufferers.

I was surprised to read that you insult everybody in your head. Lately this has been a big problem for me. Nearly all the time I'm with my friend, I scrutinize him to death in my mind and pass absolutely horrid judgements. Then I feel horrible about such a thing, and try to tell myself "don't be so judgemental" or "shutup", but my mind just keeps criticizing him.

Also, I've been having thoughts about causing harm to people I care about. I don't worry about it too much. I used to have the intense fear that I was a serial killer, but I feel that getting over that fear keeps me from worrying about hurting people. It's basically the "what if I lose control?" impulse.

As for your robbing the store fear, I can relate but not exactly. Whenever I shop, I have this overpowering feeling that the person expects me to be stealing. I wonder if that's paranoia


I wish I knew how you could stop worrying. All I can say is all the worrying takes a toll on you. Reading your post further convinces me that I have to take care of my worries as well.

Best of luck to you